Jokes

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it. AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money. ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:>

If Operating Systems were beer.. DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available. Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan. Windows 95 Beer: You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

10) E-Mail flames from some guy named 'Fluffy.' 9) Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 8) You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip. 7) Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/. 6) Your mouse has teeth marks in it...and a strange aroma of tuna. 5) Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of 'CyberDog.' 4) Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it. 3) You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II. 2) On IRC you're known as the IronMouser. 1) There are little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

A guy was walking beside a pond when a frog jumped out and told him that she was really a beautiful princess and if he were to kiss her, she would make him VERY happy! He picked up the frog and put it into his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog poked her head out and said, "Didn't you hear me?! I'm a beautiful princess and if you kiss me I will stay with you and do ANYTHING you want!" The guy took the frog out and said, "Look, I understand what you are saying, but I am a computer programmer and right now I don't have time for a girlfriend,........but a talking FROG is REALLY, REALLY COOL!"

Did you hear that Netscape is moving to Tel-Aviv, Israel? They're going to rename themself "Netan-Yahoo"

DIRECTIONS for MICROSOFT TV DINNER 1. You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. 2. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. 3. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter: 4. If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. 5. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor. 6. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. 7. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. 7. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. 8. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. 9. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. 10. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION: LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood. MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove. DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season BYTE: What them dang flies do CHIP: Munchies fer the TV MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all" RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

If Operating Systems Were Airlines DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, jump off... Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie. Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants courteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning. OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty - only a few prospective passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just departed, although no planes appear to be on the runway. Airline personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe until mid-2005. Maybe longer

1. Home is where you hang your @. 2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 5. Great groups from little icons grow. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7. In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories. 8. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice. 9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish. 10. The modem is the message. 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse. 12. The geek shall inherit the earth. 13. Don't byte off more than you can view. 14. Fax is stranger than fiction. 15. What boots up must come down. 16. Windows will never cease. 17. Virtual reality is its own reward. 18. Modulation in all things. 19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. 20. There's no place like your homepage.

How many IBM PC owners does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.

The 12-Step Program for Internet Addicts 1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I use to. 2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing. 3) I will get dressed before noon. 4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash the dog, get the kids off to school, all before even thinking of the Internet. 5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived. 6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet. 7) I will read a book...if I still remember how. 8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear what is happening on the Web. 9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email. 10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not. 11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on my computer. 12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed some time....and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

Things to do While Downloading A File On Your Computer: · Buff your mouse pad  · Make a list of things to download  · Play a percussive beat on your thighs in time with your modem  · Count to 500 in "click" language  · Go outside and actually breathe fresh air (don't overdo!)  · Do a pushup for every blue bar on the progress meter

An application was for employment; a program was a TV show; a cursor used profanity; a keyboard was a piano. Memory was something you lost with age; a CD was a bank account; a hard drive was a long road trip.  A web was a spider's home, and a virus was the flu!

Signs you've had too much of the '90s Part I 1. You try to enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played patience with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask, "Do you fancy going down the pub?" and they reply, "Yeah, give me five minutes". 5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year. 6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. 7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 8. You consider regular mail painfully slow or call it "snail mail". 9. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. 10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person. 11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. 12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a 0 to get an outside line. 13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. 14. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro. 15. Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket. 16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise. 17. You learn about your redundancy on the 6 o'clock news. 18. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes. 19. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. 20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

If Restaurants Functioned Like ... Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Patron: No, it's still there. Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up? Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?! Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?? Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day changes every hour. Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato. Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now. [waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check] Waiter: Here you are, Sir, the soup and your check. Patron: This is potato soup. Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet. Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything. [waiter leaves.] Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup! The check: Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5.00 Fly Feature. . . . . . . . . . . . . . no charge Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . .$2.50 Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.00

How can you tell if you have been spending too much time at home on the Internet? Your spouse emails you a message saying dinner is ready and she/he uses the address "Your [email protected]."

It says: "Press Any Key" It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving." It says: "Press A Key" (This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.) It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E" It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem." It says: "Installing program to C:\<Directory>...." It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them." It says: "Please insert disk 11" It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks." It says: "Not enough memory" It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K." It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...." It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..." It says: "Please Wait...." It means: "... Indefinitely." It says: "Directory does not exist...." It means: ".... any more. Whoops." It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close." It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."

Why did the chicken cross the road? He was practicing good Social Distancing.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chickens didn't exist yet!

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the dirt, and cross the road again? Because he was a dirty double-crosser!

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? He didn't, because during the Jurassic period there were no roads.

Why did the duck cross the road? To prove he was not chicken.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To visit someone that is not very smart. Knock, knock Who’s there? The chicken!

Q: Why didn’t the rooster cross the road? A: Because it was chicken.

Why didn't the chicken cross the road? There was a fork in the road.

After crossing the road, the chicken goes up to James Bond and asks him, "What's your name?" "Bond, James Bond. What is yours?" "Ken, Chick Ken."

Q: Why did the 12 chickens cross the road? A: It dozen really matter...

Why did the gum cross the road? It was stuck to the chickens foot!

Why did the chicken cross the road? To go to the house where the most gullible person in the world lives. Knock, Knock Who's there? The Chicken