Jokes

3 Database Admins walk into a NoSQL/GraphDB meet-up group. A little while later they walk out. They couldn't find any tables.

Why did the computer programmer call his mother long distance? Because that was her name.

In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe non-linear waterfowl issue." Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is that?" The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."

A chemical engineer, electrical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer are on a road trip. The car breaks down. The electrical engineer looks under the hood and can't find anything wrong. The chemical engineer checks the oil and fuel and can't find anything wrong. The Microsoft engineer says, "Close all the windows, and try again."

A client called my help desk saying she couldn’t send an e-mail. When I was done troubleshooting the problem, she interrupted me to ask, “Wait a minute, do I type @ in lower or uppercase?”

Why can't cats use computers? Because they only want to chase the mouse.

Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there's substantially more information available through the rev code than that. This is a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify. 1.0: Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that you'll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy. 1.1: We fixed all the killer bugs... 1.2: Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too. 2.0: We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it. 2.1: Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs. 2.2: Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't believe how much trouble it caused! 2.3: Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!! 3.0: Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this. 3.1: Of course, we did break a few little things. 4.0: More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor ... 4.1: Just one or two bugs this time ... Honest! 5.0: We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing after this. 6.0: We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it's been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number. 6.1: Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I've made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they wouldn't do anything). They're talking about obsolescence planning but they'll try to keep selling it for as long as there's a buck or two to be made. I'm leaving the bits in as good a shape as I can in case somebody has to tweak them, but it'll be sheer luck if no one loses them.

The Creation of the PC 1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word. 2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good. 3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. 4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware. 5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them: Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory. 6. And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data. 7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows. 8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer, and admire the Programmer, and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User. 9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good. 10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs ? 11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die. 12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try? The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse. 13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless since Windows could replace it. 14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good. 15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you that you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to ! 16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows. 17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help. 18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time. 19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password. 20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT

The man who invented autocorrect has died. His funfair is next Monkey.

Do you know the song "Yesterday"? Then sing along to this computer version. Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone hanging over me. The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong. What it was I could not say. Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay, now I believe in yesterday.

A really dumb woman tries to use her computer, but it wouldn't work. So she calls a computer repairman to come out and fix it. The computer repairman comes and looks at the computer. He notices that it wasn't plugged in, so he plugs it in. He starts up the computer and the woman was so overjoyed that she asks him what was wrong with the computer. He replied that it was an "I D 10 T error"

1. Open a new file in your PC. 2. Name it "Housework." 3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN. 4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN. 5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?" 6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.... 7. Feel better?

What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips!

A woman was notified that her grandmother just passed away and left her a big inheritance. The instruction were, "My dear I left you some money but you need to log on to this account I had set up for you with my bank. The money should be right there in the CD I had set up. But you need a computer in order to get your money." The granddaughter was excited and went to her home computer and logged on to the account. She was sad that after 10 minutes of waiting she did not see the money coming out from the CD-ROM insert. Her husband came home to see his wife sitting in front of the computer with a very sad face. He asked his wife, "What's the matter my lovely wife I thought you would be happy to received that kind of inheritance?" The wife replied, "I would if the dang computer would just spit the money out."

Well we just cut the Cable... Facebook offers the Jerry Springer show, Dr. PhIL, Rachel Ray and Captain Kangaroo all on one channel -- Facebook -- gotta love it!!!

If you love someone, set him free. If he comes back, I think we can charge him for re-installation fees, but tell him that he's getting an upgrade.

A guy asked his very good friend if you could stop over to his place and spend a little time working on his computer. His friend agreed and turned the system on. When he turned on the PC he had an unpleasant surprise. He asked: ”Why is the display completely black?” His friend answered: ”The PC is mourning his video card...”

I just figured out how to get into Pandora... Use a credit card!

Well the last time I Tweeted, I was disqualified because Twitter said it was a chirp!

Why is it always login on a computer or logout? Why not add the option... Unsure?

Q: Is Google male or female? A: A female because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Waitress: 'Do u have any questions about the menu?' Me: 'What kind of font is this?'

I don't always test my code, but when I do, it is in production....

Four engineers where riding in a car when it just stopped. The chemical engineer said, "We need to drain/refill all the fluids". The electrical engineer said, "No, we need to rewire it". The mechanical engineer said, "Lets rebuild it". They all turned to the Microsoft engineer and he said, "Why don't we all get out of the car and back in....."

Give a man a rod and you wont see him all day, because he is fishing Give him the net and you won't see him for weeks????

John: Hey! Want to go watch a movie in 3D?! Tim: Sorry! I can't watch movies in 3D! It MHz.

Q: Why did the computer lose its trust relationship with the domain? A: Because it was corrupted in active directory and needed to be removed and re-added again!!!!

Apple Inc. has developed a new high tech toilet. The details are not yet clear, but the company is torn between two names for the new device: Either the iPood, or the iPeed.

Q: Why was the computer so cold? A: Because it forgot to shut its window

You Might be an Internet Hobo if: You spend more time online trying to find a way of making money than actually making money. You have more than one degree from an online university. Your little black book is full of usernames and passwords. Your space is My-space. You think a vacation is Google’s earth. Your 15 minutes of fame is on You-tube. Road rage means a dial up connection. You hear your kids say "the snail man's here".