Jokes

College A college's student body is composed of the sons and daughters of the very rich who could not meet the academic requirements of any other college. Lo and behold, the college basketball team wins every game and dominates their league. All this success is due to one amazing player - a cross between Larry Bird and Michael Jordan. This kid is terrific. The player and the team become the center of nationwide media attention. The student body is thrilled. Now, the NCAA goes to the college and asks for proof of this player's academic eligibility. The college administration promises such documentation in a few days. The faculty works night and day coaching the student for the crucial test. The day of the public examination arrives, and the entire student body is there to support their star player. A professor stands, and announces the first question, "How much is five and two?" The student frowns in deep concentration - he thinks, he sweats, he shakes with effort. At last he shouts the answer, "SEVEN". The entire student body rises, and as a single voice, they cry. "Give him another chance. Give him another chance".

Teachers Three college professors were driving down the highway at a very slow speed. A policeman pulled them over and explained that driving so slowly on the highway could be hazardous. The driver pointed out the sign that read "20." He explained that he was going 20 mph because of the sign. The policeman pointed out that the sign indicated they were driving on Highway 20. Somewhat embarrassed the professor apologized and promised to be more observant. As the policeman turn to walk back to his car, he noticed the other two professors on the floor ...looking scared to death! He asked the driver, "What's wrong with them?" The driver replied, "We just turned off Highway 105."

A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. "The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says. "Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password." "Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

If you were in the Apple store when a robbery occurred... Does that make you... an iWitness?!?!

What is a web developer's favourite tea? URL Grey.

Wikipedia: “I know everything.” Google: “I have everything.” Facebook: “I know everybody.” Internet: “Without me you’re nothing.” Electricity: “Keep talking losers.”

What do you call it when you have your mom’s mom on speed dial? Instagram.

Little Mary's father was typing away at his home computer, when she sneaked up behind him. Suddenly, she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it?" her sister asked eagerly. Proudly Little Mary replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

Jim bought a computer, even though he had never even used a typewriter before. After investigating the computer, he decided to call the help line. A friendly voice explained step by step how his new machine worked. All went well until the voice told him to press the space bar. After studying the keyboard, Jim said, "I've got the latest model and it doesn't have a space bar." But after further explanation, he managed to find it. A week later, Jim again had problems and called the help line. An instructor was then sent to his house for training. But after a few minutes, Jim's head was spinning. "You don't need to go any further," he sighed, "I don't understand a thing." To cheer him up, the instructor said, "Hey, there are people who understand a lot less than you. Last week we had someone on the phone who didn't even know where the space bar was!"

Me: I'm very sorry, but my dog ate my homework. Computer Science Professor: Your dog ate your coding assignment? Me: ... Prof: ... Me: Well, it took him a couple bytes.

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

A boy asks his parents for a new computer because his old one is running too slow. His parents tell him it’s not in the budget. Determined, the boy goes into the kitchen, grabs the microwave and food processor, comes back and begins attaching the two appliances together. His parents see the boy and ask him what he’s doing. He says, “First I’m building the microprocessor and then I’ll see what else we got lying around.”

The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy... So I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable WiFi!

How easy is it to count in binary? It’s as easy as 01 10 11.

Mom had just returned from shopping and was surveying the ghastly scene in the den. The family computer had been totally smashed into a dozen pieces. "What happened to the PC?" she asked of her 14 year old son. "That was dad's doing," he replied. "As usual he couldn't get it to do what he wanted. I told him to reboot it. That's exactly what he did."

I tried to change my password to "14days"... It was rejected as "too weak"!

A computer-illiterate called the help desk asking how to change her password. “Okay,” I said, after punching in a few keys. “Log in using the password 123456.” “Is that all in caps?” she asked.

Tech support: “What does the screen say now?” Customer: “It says ‘Hit enter when ready.’” Tech support: “Well?” Customer: “How do I know when it’s ready?”

Why didn't The Terminator upgrade to WINDOWS 10? I asked him and his reply was, "I still love VISTA baby!"

Why was the robot upset? Everyone was pushing its buttons.

My email password has been hacked again... That's the third time I've had to rename the cat!

My laptop was driving me crazy. “The A, E, and I keys always stick,” I complained to a friend. She quickly diagnosed the problem, “Your computer is suffering from irritable vowel syndrome.”

Tech: "Hello, this is tech support. What can I help you with today?" User: (describes problem) Tech: (rattles off computer jargon) User: "Sorry, I don't understand. Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?" Tech: "Okay... 'Hi, could you please put your mommy on the phone?'"

While trying to explain to our six-year-old daughter how much technology had changed, my husband pointed to our brand-new desktop computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house. Wide-eyed, our daughter asked, "How big was the mouse?"

How do trees go online? They log-on of course.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks. JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Nobody can find it. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. The virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. PBS VIRUS: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

What is the cause of most computer problems? It's the loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.

I heard about a new website: www.needleinahaystack.com. Took me ages to find it!

CHARACTER DENSITY: The number of very weird people in the office, divided by the floor space COMPUTER: A device designed to speed and automate errors COMPUTER CLUB: Used to strike computer forcefully upon receiving error messages CONSOLE: What one does to a "down" computer CURSOR: An expert in 4-letter words DUMP: A system programmer's work area FEATURE: Hardware limitation as described by a marketing representative KEYBOARD: An instrument used for entering errors into a system LANGUAGE: A system of organizing and defining error messages PASSWORD: The nonsense word taped to your terminal