Jokes

How does a tree access a computer? Like anyone else would.. it logs on.

Who is general failure and why is he reading my disk?

"My computer suddenly started belting out 'Someone Like You.'" "Why?" "Because it's A-Dell."

Today I came across my old password... Who was walking down the streets with her husband and her baby.

Two spiders got engaged. I heard they met on the web .

Here's a list of the latest computer related best-sellers... - A Tale of Two CD's - Gates of Wrath - Gone with the Windows - War and PC - Moby Disk

Why did the computer show up at work late? It had a hard drive.

Give a man a fish, and he’ll 
Instagram it... Teach a man to fish, and he’ll still Instagram it.

"I just changed my Facebook name to 'No one'." "Why did you do that?" "So when I see a dumb post, I can click like and it will say no one like this."

After an enthusiastic recommendation from my wife, I began listening to the audiobook version of Frank McCourt’s 'Teacher Man'. “I love it, but his writing style is so disjointed,” I complained. “He refers to characters I don’t know and introduces them a half hour later.” My wife was as confused as I was, but I soldiered on, disoriented by the jumpy story line. It wasn’t until the end of the book that my dilemma was explained—I had set the iPod to Shuffle mode.

My techie husband and I were walking in the high desert when he stopped to photograph one stunning vista after another. Overcome by the sheer beauty, he paid it his ultimate compliment: "Wow... everywhere I look, I see a screen saver!"

The chef of the upscale restaurant I manage collided with a waiter one day and spilled coffee all over our computer. The liquid poured into the processing unit, and resulted in some dramatic crackling and popping sounds. After sopping up the mess, we gathered around the terminal as the computer was turned back on. "Please let it work," pleaded the guilt-ridden waiter. A waitress replied, "Should be faster than ever. That was a double espresso."

My husband, a computer-systems trouble-shooter, rode with me in my new car one afternoon. He had been working on a customer’s computer all morning and was still tense from the session. When I stopped for a traffic light, I made sure to leave a safe distance from the stop line to keep oncoming drivers from hitting the car. I couldn’t help but laugh when my husband impatiently waved at me to move the car forward while saying, "Scroll up, honey."

Apple plans on releasing the very first iCar... But it has a problem installing Windows.

I realized the impact of computers on my young son one evening when there was a dramatic sunset. Pointing to the western sky, David said, "I wish we could click and save that."

I used to find buying books from Amazon slow and inconvenient... Until one day the receptionist suggested I use their website.

We were at a red light when a car pulled up, its music blasting. “He’ll be deaf before he’s 25,” I said. “That won’t help us,” my wife replied. “He’ll only turn it up.”

I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is [email protected]. My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His e-mail was [email protected]. My name is James Pan. Every other permutation of my name was taken (e.g., jpan, jamesp), so I’m stuck with [email protected].

In the high school computer class the teacher asked, "So what is malware?" From the back of the room Donna stood up and replied, "Briefs and Boxers!"

I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back. We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”

I used to work in a superstore. One day a sparrow flew in and perched itself by the ceiling. Management wondered how to catch it. I suggested that we keep a computer terminal unoccupied. "You can catch it when it stops by to tweet."

"Hey, what do you call a singing computer?" "I don't know, what do you call a singing computer?" "A-Dell."

They say spending too much on the internet is bad for you... I wonder if there's a website to find out more information about it?

What is a hard drive? A hard drive is driving across country with my wife, three kids and a dog.

Customer: “I can’t seem to connect to the Internet.” Tech Support: “All right. What operating system are you running?” Customer: “Netscape.” Tech Support: “No, what version of Windows are you using?” Customer: “Uhhh…Hewlett Packard?” Tech Support: “No, right click on ‘My Computer’ and select properties on the menu.” Customer: “Your computer? It’s my computer!”

The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up. After watching me struggle with it, one of my students came up and took over. "Your hard drive crashed," he said. I called the computer services office and explained, "My computer is down. The hard drive crashed." "We can't just send people down on your say so. How do you know that's the problem"? "A student told me," I answered. "We'll send someone over right away."

What's the first symptom a computer is getting old? Memory problems.

Q: Why didn't the fly go near the computer? A: Because he was afraid he would get caught on the Web.

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it." A smart-aleck who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, "Where is my father?" There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: "Fishing off Florida." The smart-aleck laughed, "Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question." The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better. The smart-aleck said to the Ultimate Computer, "Where is my mother's husband?" Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room. After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."

Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but the following call to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway. After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded, "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."