Jokes

The math professor says, "Pi R square".... But everyone knows "Pi R ROUND"!

While visiting Annapolis, a lady tourist noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. "What are they doing?" she asked the tour guide. "Each year," he replied with a grin, "the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard." When they were out of earshot of the freshmen, the curious lady asked the guide: "So, what's the answer?" The guide replied: "One."

Back in my hippie college days, a professor came up to me in the cafeteria and asked me, "Ya dig?" I thought to myself, this guy's pretty far out. I answered, "Yeh, man. I dig!" That's how I got hoodwinked into joining his archaeological expedition.

In anatomy class at medical school, suddenly one of the dead bodies sat straight up! The instructor said, “OK, who said Abra-Cadaver?”

Some people at a university operated a "bank" of term papers and other homework assignments where students could buy ready-made work. There were papers to suit all needs. The "bank" had A grade, B grade, and C grade papers, since it would be rather suspicious if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay. A student, who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment, went to the "bank" and purchased a paper with an inconspicuous C grade. He then retyped it and handed in the work to his professor. Soon, the student received the paper back with the professor's comments, which read, "I wrote this paper myself 25 years ago and I always thought it should have been graded an A, so now I'm more than pleased to give it one!"

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock", the man replied. "How's it work?" the friend asked. "Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's two AM in the morning!

Being at my college often meant having your umbrella taken without your knowledge and if lucky returned during the rainy season. So I was pleasantly surprised when my roommate showed me an umbrella and asked me if it was mine. My umbrella was a brand called "Happy". So I told him, "Check if it's Happy." He promptly proceeded to open and close the umbrella twice in quick succession. He looked at me and gravely concluded, "Doesn't sound so happy."

After studying all night for his zoology final, David, a senior, enters class confident that he will conquer the test. He takes his seat and looks around at all the panicked faces around him. "I got this," he says to himself, pulling out his lucky pen. The professor calls for attention and only then does David see the six stuffed birds covered with canvas with only their feet showing. The professor says, "Identify the birds. You have the entire class time. Begin." "This is impossible," says David. "Nothing is impossible," replies the professor. Little by little the other students finish their exam and turn in their papers. David looks down at his blank sheet and shakes his head in disgust as the anger of defeat bubbles forth. "THIS IS RIDICULOUS! I studied all night!" He crumples his test and throws it on the floor. "THIS IS THE DUMBEST TEST I HAVE EVER SEEN!" He jabs his finger in the professor's direction but says nothing, and storms toward the exit. The professor calls out, "What is your name young man?" In response, David spins around, hikes up his pants and thrusts his foot at the professor. "You tell me!"

At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated by attending a late night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many any "potential dates" at the party. "Oh, I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to the party animals," she said. "What's your G.P.A.?" Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 25 in the city and 40 on the highway."

A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Walmart in a buggy. Each time she put something in the basket she would say, "And here's something for you, Diploma," or "This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma," and so on. Eventually a bewildered shopper who had heard all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?" The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to Virginia Tech and this is what she came home with!"

Me wee Oyrish Mum yanked me out of Med School immediately upon learning that the boy and girl students had to share a single curriculum.

Freshman: Is never in bed past noon. Senior: Is never out of bed before noon. Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut. Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend. Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall. Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class. Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher." Senior: Calls the professor "Bob." Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class. Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away. Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade. Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade. Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university. Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually. Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed. Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand. Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are. Senior: Has own personal workstation. Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week. Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe. Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year. Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year. Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm. Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm. Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night. Senior: Calls Domino's every other night. Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of professors. Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer. Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions. Senior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night. Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus. Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house. Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society. Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room. Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class. Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class.

Three students all have dinner together, a sophisticate, a vulgarian, and a foreigner. They return to their shared dorm rooms that night and when they wake up in the morning they all have painful gas. The sophisticate says, "Zounds! I just broke wind with such intense vigor my anus hurt!" The vulgarian says, "Crap, dude! That fart hurt my butt-hole!" The foreigner who would have understood, "Wow, stinky pain!" tries to fit in by saying, "Broke fart intense butt-hole!"

The professor of a university was extremely busy explaining something important with regard to his subject to the students when a girl belonging to the same class arrived late at the door and said, "May I get in, sir?" "Don't you think you're terribly late today?" said the angry professor to the girl. The girl then said, "When I was coming to college, a boy was following me, sir." "I hope he hasn't stalked you. Yet, why did you get late?" demanded the professor. Without a moment hesitation the girl replied, "But, he was walking slowly, sir."

A college student stated, " I DON'T LIKE HISTORY." "THERE'S NO FUTURE IN IT."

COLLEGE MATHEMATICS EXAM PAPER INSTRUCTIONS: ATTEMPT ALL QUESTIONS. ALL QUESTIONS CARRY EQUAL MARKS. You have dated a girl for 2 years, eventually she drops you for another guy. Calculate the percentage of time wasted. (20 marks) You bought a phone for your girlfriend and she gave it to another guy. Using trigonometric identities, derive a general formula for this type of love. (20 marks) (For Boys) You’re dating around 15 girls and every girl is demanding for a Samsung Galaxy and an iPhone 6s. (a) Plot a graph of girls against prices of phones. (15 marks) (b) Use your graph to estimate your future poverty. (5 marks) You are dating other peoples’ sisters yet you don’t want to see any guy with your sister. Calculate the Percentage Error in your thinking capacity. (20 marks) You are a civil servant, your wife is a petty trader, your combined household income is less than $500. Your daughter who is awaiting result is using iPhone 6s and Samsung Galaxy both worth $2,000. Calculate the Percentage of your Parental Negligence. (20 marks) (For girls) You’re a girl and you have dated 20 guys with hard labor, use the law of diminishing return to calculate the substance that will be left for your husband to enjoy. (20 marks) You can’t give your wife $15 for a pot of soup, but you spend over $100 in bars and restaurants. Calculate the radius of your ‘stupidity’, take p=3.142. (20 marks) GOOD LUCK!

One night four college students were out partying late night and did't study for the test which was scheduled for the next day. In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to take the test. So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time. On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days. The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks. Q.1. Your Name…………………….( 2 MARKS ) Q.2. Which tire burst?……………( 98 MARKS ) a) Front Left b) Front Right c) Back Left d) Back Right

Boy: The principal is so dumb!Girl: Do you know who I am?Boy: No...Girl: I am the principal's daughter!Boy: Do you know who I am?Girl: No...Boy: Good! *walks away*

A Son who was schooling far away from home once sent a sms to his father. “Father, the situation here is critical. Please, send me some money, suicide contemplated”. The Father replied, Son, the situation at home is more critical. Suicide approved.

A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting outside at a nudist colony. The history professor asked: “Have you read Marx? The psychology professor replied: “Yes. I think it’s from the wicker chairs.”

A frustrated father told a work colleague: “When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son’s room, he has his own color TV, computer, games console, cell phone and CD player.” “So what do you do?” The father replied: “I send him to my room!”

A college student said to his mother, “I decided that I want to be a political science major and that I want to clean up the mess in the world!” “That is very nice,” muted his mother. “You can go upstairs and start with your room.”

There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a study course. He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy. "Tell me your choice;" said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind." The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question." "Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?" The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir." "How???????" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.) "Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!" Admission for the course was thus secured.

“So, thundered Greg’s furious father, “you have been expelled from college, have you?” “Yes, Dad. I am a fugitive from a brain gang.”

Q. Why do University of Michigan graduates hang their diplomas from their rear view mirror? A. So they can use handicapped parking.

A young man studying in a college abroad sent this SMS to his father: Dear dad, no mon, no fun, your son. The father replied: Dear son, too bad, so sad, your dad.

“Now my motto in life,” said the school chaplain, “is work hard, play hard and pray hard. How about you, Harriet?” “My motto is let bygones be bygones.” “That’s good. Why did you choose that?” “Then I wouldn’t have to take any history classes!”

A son is calling his mom from college, and telling her that he had just got his degree. The mother says: That's great honey! What kind of degree? And the son, almost squealing with excitement says: The best one ever, a Celsius degree!

Q: What do college students and deer have in common? A: They both stand in the middle of the road and stare at your headlights.

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"  At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much for a season pass?"