Jokes

Two girls speed down the highway at 90 mph. "Hey," asks the brunette at the wheel. "Do you see any cops following us?" The blonde turns around. "As a matter of fact, I do." "Damn!" says the brunette. "Are his flashers on?" The blonde turns around again. "Yup. Nope. Yup. Nope. Yup."

Q: What did the blonde say when she tried driving stick for the first time? A: "How do you shift this thing?" (you make jacking off motions).

Im changing my name to 'Benefits' on Facebook. Next time someone adds me, It will say 'you are now friends with Benefits'

Why did the blonde jump off the cliff? She thought her maxi pad had wings.

Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers liscence? A: She wasn't used to the front seat!

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? Toes go in first!

Q: What happens after you find out that a blonde passed a test? A: You wake up.

Two blondes walking together, one stops and says " OMG do you see that!" "see what" replies the other trying to look. " Look in front and slightly to the left!" "my left or your left?"

A blonde was driving across several states to go visit her family. She was five hours late and her family was getting worried. When she finally got there she explained that she had seen 10 signs that said “CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD...”

A blonde walks into an appliance store and sees a TV she'd like to buy. She goes to the register and says, "I wanna buy that TV." The man says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes." The blonde walks out and dyes her hair brown. She comes back in and say, "I wanna buy that TV." The man gives her a look and says, "Ma'am, I've told you, we don't sell to blondes." So she walks out and dyes her hair black. She comes back in and says, "I wanna buy that TV." The man gives her another look of pity and says, "Ma'am, I've told you three times, we don't sell to blondes." The blonde walks out and dyes her hair red. She comes back in and says, "I wanna buy that TV." The man gives her a very tired look and says, "Ma'am, I've told you. We don't sell to blondes." She asks, "How have you known I'm a blonde this whole time?" The man replies, "Because ma'am... that's a microwave."

Q: Why did the blonde bring a pencil to her bedroom? A: She wanted to draw her curtains.

Boy1: A blonde and brunette are on the top of a building. Who falls off first? Boy2: The blonde? Boy1: No, she has to ask for directions on how.

Why did the blonde have a sore belly button? Because there are blonde men too!

Blonde Logic January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..."duh"...bottles won't fit in typewriter! March - Got excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...box said "2-4 years!" April - Trapped on escalator for hours...power went out! May - Tried to make Kool-Aid...8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets! June - Tried to go water skiing...couldn't find a lake with a slope. July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition...learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms! August - Got locked out of car in rain storm...car swamped, because top was down. September - The capital of California is "C"...isn't it? October - Hate M & M's...they are so hard to peel. November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days...instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108! December - Couldn't call 911..."duh"...there's no "eleven" button on the phone! What a year!

Q: Why does the blonde keep a wire coat hanger in the backseat of her car? A: In case she locks her keys inside.

Why don't blondes like to breastfeed their babies? It hurts to boil their nipples!

Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes? A: Peroxide.

A brunette who really hated blondes was walking through the desert when she came across a magic lamp. After rubbing the lamp the genie told her that she got three wishes with one catch: All the blondes in the world would get twice whatever she asked for. So the brunette thought a while and then wished for a million dollars. "Every blonde in the world will get two million." The brunette said that was fine and then she asked for an incredibly handsome man. Every blonde in the world will get two incredibly handsome men. The brunette said that was fine too and the genie granted her wishes. "Now for your third wish." said the genie. "See that stick over there?", asked the brunette, "I want you to beat me half to death with it."

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is living it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the heck's going on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?" The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?" The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."

Q: How do you get a blond on the roof? A: You tell her the food is on the house.

Q: Why did the blonde quit her restroom attendant job? A: She couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer.

Why did the blonde pee on the floor? Because the sign said "Wet Floor"

I was just about to go speed-dating, when I asked my mate for some advice. “Just agree with what she says,” he said, “and, more importantly, act as if you like everything she likes.” “Thanks, mate,” I said, before trotting off to the venue. I arrived and took my seat. As I sat at the table a stunning blonde girl came over…”Hi,” she said. “I’m going to put this out in the open right now: I love nothing more than sucking cock and being fcuked up the ass.” “Me too!” I replied.

Why did the blonde have square boobs? She forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

My blonde wife called me at work and said she can’t find her glasses, so I told her to use her contacts. She rang me back an hour later to say she had called everyone in her phone and none of them knew where they were either.

A blonde meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic. "Everything ok with your car now?" "Yes, thank goodness," the blonde replies. "Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?" "Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"

Three blondes were applying for the last available position in the Wyoming Sheriff’s Department. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So ya’ll want to be a cop, eh?” The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice such things as distinguishing features and oddities, like scars and tattoos.” So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. “Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?” The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!” The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!” The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the same photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, “What about you? Did you notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?” “Yes! He only has one ear!” The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other ? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused, too!” The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but….” He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, “All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?” The blonde replied, “I sure did! This man wears contact lenses.” The detective frowned, examined the picture and began reviewing some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?” The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, duhhhhhhh! With only one eye and one ear he certainly can’t wear glasses!”

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively: "How do you give shoulders?"

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette look through a dictionary for the hardest words they know. The brunette's word is "quizzical." The redhead's word is "sardonic." The blonde's word is "d**k."