Jokes

A blonde’s neighbour went across to visit and found the blonde crying profusely. She asked what was wrong and the blonde said that her mother had died. The neighbour made her a cup of tea and comforted her until she had calmed down and then went home. The next day the neighbour visited again, and once again he found the blonde in tears. She again asked what was wrong this time. The blonde replied, “I’ve just been on the phone to my sister, her mum died too”.

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. “How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her. “Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied. “What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?” “No silly!” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I’m not shooting myself in the chest.” “So then?” asked the doctor. “Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.” “So then?” “Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.”

A blonde comes home to find her husband in bed with a redhead. She grabs a gun and holds it to her own head. The husband begs her not to shoot herself. The blonde shouts at her husband, ‘Shut up! You’re next!’

a guy is outside watching the day view until a blonde comes out of her house and checks her mail box she opens it and then she closes it. a few seconds later she comes out again and checks it again but angry and the she slams it shut .seconds later she comes out angryer than ever then the man walks up to her and said whats wrong she answers my stupid computer keeps saying that i have mail.

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident. When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, "St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can’t find him!" St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn’t make it to Heaven." This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other. John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure I’m in the right place?" "My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn’t!"

Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer? So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

Q. Why is it okay for dumb blonde's to catch cold? A. They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

There are three 6th grade girls: a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. Which one has the biggest tits? The blonde....she's 18.

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the Las Vegas Casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. “Yes! Yes! I won, I won!” She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know - I thought you were watching.” MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ….. but all men…are men!

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out “green side up!” In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled “green side up!” The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing. In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled “green side up!” The lady then asked him, “Why do you keep yelling ‘green side up’?” “I’m sorry,” came the reply. “But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

She is so blonde that when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice.

Why does a man prefer blondes? Men always like intellectual company.

The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant owned by two blondes: "Parking for drive-through customers only!"

Why did the blonde roast a chicken for three and a half days? The instructions said ‘cook it for half an hour per pound’, and she weighed 125.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday Night morning? "Tell her a joke on Monday Morning."

Q: How did the blonde die raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree.

Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering? The noise gave her a headache.

What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? Nice tits!

A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn’t done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and after looking around for a while selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some scented candle, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there’s nothing but static on the screen. She got so mad and called the video store to complain. Blonde: “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape, but static.” Store Clerk: “Sorry about that. We’ve had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?” Blonde: “It’s called, Head Cleaner.”

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back. Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? A: Run because she has a grenade in her mouth.

A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

Natalie, a pretty but distraught blonde model, took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time a man takes me out, I wind up in bed with him. And then afterward I feel guilty and depressed all day long." "I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will power." "Heavens, NO!" exclaimed the model. "I want you to fix it so I don't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

A blonde a red head and a brunet rob a bank and are running away from the cops. They are cornered in an ally way and hide in potato bags and the police check the bags by kicking them. They kick the 1st bag with the brunet and she says "meow" and the cops thought it was a cat. Then they kick the 2nd bag and the red head says "woof, woof" and the cops think it's just a dog. Then they kick the last bag and the blonde says " Potato, Potato."

Anna and blonde arguing.....Which is the best contraceptive?- Blonde - An aspirin Anna - ??? Blonde - Take an aspirin, put it between the knees and keep it tight

Q. Why can't a blonde get a drivers license? A. Because every time the instructor says "Let's park" she jumps in the back seat.

A blonde, a brunet and a red head were running from the cops when they came upon three empty sacks laying in front of a closed store. "Let's hide in these and the cops won't find us!" said the red head, and they each dove into the sacks. The brunet hid in one that said CAT. The red head hid in one that said DOG, and the blonde hid in one that said POTATOS. When the cops came by, they saw the bags and said: "Maybe they're in these sacks. Kick one of them." to the other. The other cop kicked the bag the brunet was in that said CAT and she said: "Meow!". So the cop kicked the second bag with the red head that said DOG. She said once kicked: "Woof!". So the cop moved on to the final sack that said POTATOS and kicked it. The blonde cried out: "Potatos!"

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? A: When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks.

Why are blondes so easy to get into bed? Who cares?

Q. Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? A. She kept having affairs with men!