Jokes

Q: A smart blonde, a stupid blonde and Santa Claus play poker. Who wins? A: The stupid blonde -- the other two don't exist.

Why do blondes not talk while making love? Their moms told them not to talk to strangers.

Why was the BLIND blonde sitting on newspaper? So she can lip read.

Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? She missed.

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw a box of Cheerios? A: "Wow! Doughnut seeds!"

What do blondes do after they comb their hair? They pull up their pants.

Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde? A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.

Why'd they create the microwave? So blondes could cook, too!

The blonde was at the blood bank and sold a pint of blood. As she was leaving counting her $25, a man was leaving counting his money. He had $40. She asked if he had some rare blood type that he got more than she did. He said no, that he had donated sperm. The next day the bimbo was back at the blood bank. The receptionist asked if she was there to donate blood. The blonde could only shake her head, as her cheeks were bulging.

She is so blonde that it takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes."

Q. Did you hear about the funny blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car? A. She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

Be careful never to let a blonde have a coffee break... It takes too long to retrain her afterwards!

A brunnette and a red haid were riding in the front of a pickup truck the blonde was in the back. The truck crashed into the lake and the redhead and the brunnette made it to shore quickly but it took the blonde ten min. They asked when she got there, "What took so long"? The blonde replied, " I had to get the tailgate open".

Why do blondes like sunroofs? More legroom!

how can u tell when a blonde is trying to commite suicide theres 6 bullet holes in the mirror

Brunette is walking down Main St with her blonde friend and she spots her boyfriend in the flower shop buying roses. The brunette says, “Oh great, I see my boyfriend buying me flowers again and that means in return I will have to spend a week on my back with my legs in the air”. Blonde says, “You poor thing, don’t you have a vase”?

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Q: How do you know when a blonde has a brain fart? A: Her ears flap.

Why does it take longer to make a blonde snowman? Because you have to hollow out the head first.

A blonde walks into a gas station and says to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?" The manager gives the blonde a bent coat hanger. A few minutes later, he goes out to check on her. As her approaches the blonde working the hanger in window, he notices another blonde inside the car, coaching "No, no! A little to the left."

Three blondes girls were walking in the woods and came upon tracks. The first one said, "Look, it's deer tracks." The second one said, "No, it's wolf tracks" and before the third one could answer, they got hit by a train.

A blonde is watching a ventriloquist perform at a bar and the ventriloquist, with his dummy, is telling blonde joke after blonde joke, filling the bar with laughter. After several of these jokes, the blonde stands up, infuriated, and yells, "Listen here, jack*ss. Not all blondes are stupid and the jokes need to stop, it is a very cheap way to get laughs." Stunned, the ventriloquist timidly begins to apologize, "Ma'am, I am so sorry. I had no idea I was offending anyone." The blonde replies, "Stay out of this, sir. I'm talking to that little sh*t on your knee!"

An old man asks a blond: If a guy would try to rape you, will you scream for help? If he can’t manage me by himself off course!

Trump and Cruz are sitting in a bar… A guy walks in, spots them, and asks the barman, ‘Hey, ain’t that Trump and Cruz sitting over there?’ The bartender says, ‘Yep, that’s them.’ So the guy walks over and says, ‘Wow, what an honor! What are you guys doing in here?’ Trump says, ‘We’re planning World War III.’ The guy says, ‘Really? Whaddaya think you’ll do?’ Trump says, ‘Well, we’re planning to kill 140 million Muslims, and a stunning blonde with a Double-D rack.’ The guy exclaims, ‘A beautiful blonde with double-D rack? You’re shittin’ me. Why kill a gorgeous blonde with big tits?’ Trump turns to Cruz, and says, ‘See? I told you, no one gives a shit about 140 million Muslims.’

There was a blonde driving in the country side when she went around the corner and saw an ocean of wheat fields. Then she saw a blonde in a row boat frantically paddling. The blonde driver yelled out, "Hey! It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name and if I knew how to swim, I'd swim out there and kick your ass!"

Mr. Brown was working in his garden when on the other side of the fence, he heard his neighbor crying. Mr. Brown popped his head over the fence and asked, "What's the matter Mary? What has upset you?" The blonde neighbor replied, "My dog has died and I'm going to bury it here." Mr. Brown said, "You only have one dog, so why have you dug three holes?" She answered, "The first two were too small."

A blonde has sharp pains in her side, so she goes to the hospital. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis." The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."

There was a blonde who wanted a promotion at work, but her employer denied her the oppurtunity because she was blonde, so she dyed her hair a light brown colour, thinking it would do the trick, she would try it at work but first she was going to try it on the general public. So one day, she was in the countryside, and she pulled up by a farm, there was a farmer tending to some sheep, when she asked, "if I can count how many sheep are in your field, could I have one." "That is a deal, young lady," he replied. So she counted them up and finally counted them all. "126" "Well young lady, a deal is a deal, take your pick" She was walking back to the car when the farmer called. "Young lady, if I guess what colour your hair really is, can I have my dog back??"

There was a blonde at a stoplight and it said “walk.” She started walking and, when she was in the middle of the street, the sign turned to “don't walk.” So she stopped.

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off. "How did this happen?" the doctor asked. "Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?" "No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, ‘I just paid $6,000 for these,’ then I put it in my mouth and I thought, ‘I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth fixed.’ So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, ‘this is going to make a loud noise,’ so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger.”