Jokes

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? "Run faster....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth."

Q. Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car? A. Because she blows the horn!

Q: How does a blonde turn the lights on in the morning? A: She opens the car door.

Blondes have more fun but brunettes remember it the next day! ;) ?

A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he’s drinking. He says, “Magic beer. You want one?” “Aw, that’s stupid. There’s no such thing” she says. “Look, I’ll show you”. He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the building, and back into bar window. “That’s incredible! I don’t believe it!” she says. “Hey barkeep, throw me another one o’ them Magic Beers”. The bartender shakes his head and pours another beer and slides it down the bar. The man chugs about half of it and proceeds to leap out the window and circle the building again. “Here, you try it” he says to the blonde. She takes a big draw on the glass, jumps out of the window, and falls about 30 feet to the ground - breaking both her legs - and begins screaming in pain. The bartender says, “Superman, you’re a real ba*tard when you’re drunk.”  

What did the blonde say when she saw Cheerios? Donut seeds.

Friend: What did the triangle say to the circle? Me: I dont know... Friend: OMG! Your so f*cking pointless. Me: That joke was pointless.

A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!

Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid? Because they can't fit eight cups of water in the little packet.

Q: Two blondes are standing on top of the Empire State Building. How can you tell which one is the true blonde and which one is the bleached blonde? A: The bleached blonde isn't throwing bread crumbs at the helicopters!

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course!!), new to boating was having problems. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get her brand new 22ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn’t plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran, the out drive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath only to come up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. REMEMBER THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pick it up, pull the pin and throw it back

How can you tell when a brunette is actually a blonde who dyes her hair? When she trips over the cordless phone.

A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf. She asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?” The clerk replies, “That is a thermos.” The blonde then asks, “What does it do?” The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.” The blonde says, “Oh! I could use something like that! I’ll take it!” The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, “I just got this yesterday, isn’t it wonderful! It’s a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!” The boss asks, “And what do you have in it?” The blonde replies, “Some coffee and a popsicle.”

A cop pulled over a car for swerving all over the road. The blonde at the wheel looked very confused and scared. "What's going on here, ma'am?" "Well, I was driving along when all of a sudden there was a tree right in my path. I swerved to miss it, but there was another tree. And after that, another, and another." The cop looked inside her car and sighed. "Ma'am. That's your air freshener."

A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o’clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, ” I BET you $50 the man is going to jump.” The blonde replies, “Okay you’re on.” Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette says, “I can’t accept this MONEY. I watched the 5 o’clock news and saw the man jump then.” “No, you have to take it,” says the blonde. “I watched the 5 o’clock news too, but I didn’t think he would do it again.”

A brunette, a red-haired and a blonde comes to an edge of a hill. The rule is: if you lie, you fall off the hill. A brunette says: - I think I'm the most beautiful... And she falls off the hill. A red-haired says: - I think I'm the most clever... And she falls off the hill. A blonde says: I think... And she falls off the hill.

How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Blonde: Hey, what does IDK,TTYL,ILY mean? BF: I don't know, talk to you later, I love you Blonde: OK Blonde: Just for the record, what does STFU mean? BF: Shut the fu*k up Blonde: THAT IS SO RUDE! WE ARE BREAKING UP. BF: *facepalm*

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?" The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?" The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

Why are blondes only allowed a thirty-minute lunch break? If they took an hour it would take too long to retrain them.

blonde calls me on her phone ... blonde: Hello whats your phone number? Me:(slams down he phone)

A blonde walks into a bar and sees her friend sitting there with a drink in her hand and looking very sad. She walks over and sits down to ask what is wrong and to see if can she help. Her friend says, " I feel awful, I went out last night got drunk and wound up sleeping with a Brazilian." The blonde says, "OMG, wow. How many is that"?

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1,000 feet to see how you're doing." At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2,000 feet, he said she was still doing well. Right before she got to 3,000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crashed and pulled her out of the helicopter. He asked her, "What went wrong?" The blonde said, "At 2,500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

A blonde and a redhead are taken hostage by terrorists. The women are taken to a remote island and put before a firing squad. Just before the squad fires, the redhead points and yells, "Tornado!" The terrorists run in all different directions, and the redhead escapes. When they realize what has happened, the terrorists come back to where the blonde is still standing. They raise their rifles, and thinking quickly, the blonde points and yells, "Fire!

A brunette, redhead, and blonde are stranded on the edge of a cliff. An angel appears and instructs them to jump off the cliff and say out loud what they would like to land on safely. The brunette goes first. She jumps and says, "Pillows!" She lands on a pile of pillows at the bottom. The redhead goes next. She jumps and says "Feathers!" She lands on a mass of feathers below. The blonde walks up to the edge, but trips on a rock, yelling, "Shit!" as she falls off.

Blonde and Anant are walking around a zoo, when Anant says, ''Look at that lion with one eye!'' The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, ''Where?''

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? That's where you wash all your vegetables!