Jokes

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!

Upon enrolling in college my father gave me a really bad THESAURUS... Not only is it terrible, but it's really TERRIBLE!

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

College student: "Hey, Dad -- I've got some great news for you!" Father: "What, son?" College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?" Father: "I certainly do." College student: "Well, you get to keep it!"

Two college girls looking at their car's flat tire. "I don't understand?" "What?" "How come the bottom part of the tire always gets a flat?" "Good question!"

A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it. His mom said, "Sure, sweetie. I'll will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?" "Uhh, oh yeah, okay," responded the kid. So his mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, her husband asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?" She said, "Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20 and the other for $1000 out to him." "That's $1020!" yelled her husband. "Are you crazy?" "Don't worry, Hon," she said. "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!"

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. “Why do we have to learn this stuff?” one young man blurted out. “To save lives,” the professor responded. A few minutes later the student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?” The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally, the professor continued, “Physics saves lives because it keeps certain people out of medical school.”

Professor: "Why do pimples make horrible prisoners?" Student: "Because they keep breaking out!"

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the University's intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."

While away from home in college I wrote a letter to my dad. It said: "No mun, no fun, your loving son." He wrote back saying: "Too bad, so sad, your loving dad."

A college student could not take his seminar final exam because of a funeral. "No problem," the teacher told him. "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral. "You'll have to take the test early next week," the professor insisted. "I can't keep postponing it." "I'll take the test next week if no one dies," the undergrad replied. By now I the instructor was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" "I don't know any of these people," the student exclaimed. "But I'm the only gravedigger in town."

John: When I was in college one of my professors did a study on "WHAT IS THE BEST LENGTH FOR A PERSON'S LEGS." Fred: That sounds interesting. John: Yes it was, and do you know what he found to be the best length for a person's legs? Fred: No, what was it? John: Just long enough to reach the ground.

We were hosted by a community for our practicum in Nursing. The town hall was already full so the town representative offered the stage next to a basketball court for our temporary abode. One student came to me and told me that one of our students, Jason, wouldn't sleep on the stage. I asked why. My student replied, "Jason has stage fright."

Business professor: "Who can give me an example of a system where you are billed before you actually receive your goods?" Student: "Tuition!"

"Class, do you know how many hours you are wasting on your smart phones daily?" A quiet hush falls over the class. One student breaks it up. "I know, Sir, let's google it!"

Once two star football players had failed a test, and could not play football in the championship game. So, after much begging from the coach, the teacher finally let the two take the test again. They took the test, and turned it in. The coach and the two students watched carefully over the teacher grading the tests. She checked over the first test, then over the second test. Half way through the second test she stopped and put a great big "F" on both tests. The coach was furious and demanded an explanation. She said that they had cheated. "Why?" the coach asked. The teacher showed him number six. The coach looked at number six on the first test. The answer read "I don't know." The coach said that it did not prove anything. The teacher handed him the second test. The answer read "I don't know either."

Now that the new "professor watch" site is in operation, my college professors just stand there and don't know what to say. Now I just read the books, but my GPA has climbed an entire point!

What did the iodine say to copper? "I Cu!"

Do you want to hear a potassium joke? "K".

Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will be a good educational experience. (I stayed out too late last night and didn't have time to prepare a lecture.) The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important. (I don't understand the details either.) The test scores were generally good. (Some of you managed a 'C'.) Some of you could have done better. (Everyone failed.) It's been very rewarding to teach this class. (I hope they find someone else to teach it next year.)

How many PHILOSOPHERS does it take to change a light bulb? TWO: One to argue it's not dark. The other to argue that true light is impossible.

The teacher was describing the dolphin and its habits. "And, children, "she said impressively, "a single dolphin will have two thousand offspring." "Goodness!" gasped a little girl in the back row. "And how about married ones?"

Teacher: What do you all aspire to become? Student 1: A Doctor! Student 2: An Engineer! Student 3: A Lawyer! Student 4: I just want to watch and see whether they'll become what they say they'll become."

One day a college student comes home for spring break, and he and his dad start a conversation. "So how are your classes?" Asks the father. "Good." "How is the football team playing this year?" "Okay." "Making new friends?" "Some." "What are you thinking of majoring in?" "Communications."

Professor: And now, Mr. Jones, what do you know about French syntax? Student: I didn't know they had to pay any.

A new student at Harvard stopped an upperclassman and asked, "Where's the library at?" The upperclassman said, "Never end a sentence with a preposition. Cops do it on TV, but it isn't proper, so to speak." The new student said, "Pardon me. Where's the library at, MORON?"

Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet?" "Two days ago." "Hmm. Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May, he'll be an engineer. What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college?" "At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty." "No, I mean what's he taking in college?" "He's taking every penny I make." "Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?" "He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil." "Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?" "Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about him!"

An angel appears at a College faculty meeting and tells the Dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, infinite wisdom, or infinite beauty. Without hesitating, the Dean selects infinite wisdom. “Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the Dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, “Say something.” The Dean sighs and says, “I should have taken the money.”

You Know You Are Out of College When: - Your potted plants stay alive. - Sleeping in a twin-sized bed seems absurd. - You have to pay your own credit card bill. - Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal. - "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be. - "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married. - Jeans, flannels and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe. - You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. - You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run. - You go to parties that police don't raid. - You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore. - Your car insurance goes down. - You refer to college students as kids. - You feed your dog science diet instead of taco bell. - Half your conversations with current college students start with, "When I was in college..."

When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant. Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, "Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag!" It was then he realized we'd removed the drainpipe beneath the sink.