Jokes

HR Heaven and Hell One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to," replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff..."

The following is a true story. Following a miserable year, the CEO of a company called all the Project Managers for a performance review meeting. After giving them a piece of his mind, he asked each Manager to present his/her case. One of the Managers gave a long winding speech of excuses on his Project’s performance over which the CEO got irritated and yelled “Just tell me Yes or No”. The Manager coolly said “Yes or No” and sat down!

The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office. "What is your name?," was the first thing the manager asked. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..." 

A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

One day in New York City, a banker was driving his new Jaguar down the streets. He parked it and opened the door to get out. Suddenly a taxi went by and ripped the door off. The driver reported this to a nearby police officer. The officer saw the whole thing and said "You bankers are so involved in your possessions. You didn't even notice that your arm was ripped off as well" The banker stared at where his arm used to be and said "OH NO! My new Rolex is gone too!"

A businessman, on his deathbed, called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?" The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, 'Now, you have everything.'"

10 fun things to do at your local retail store..... 1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. 2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. 3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in. 5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. 6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. 7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. 8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. 9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in thin, narrow aisles. 10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, 'I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares,' and see what happens.

Do you know why malt stands are constantly rated best businesses of the year? They always give customers a fair shake.

Did you hear about the problems in the Woodworkers Union? A radical group broke off and formed a splinter group.

There was once a couple named Nancy and Mike Tate, and it was their life's dream to have a compass company. They finally saved enough money and started the Tate's Compass Company. Luck was with them, for the first contract they acquired was to manufacture 750,000 compasses for the Boy Scouts. Nancy and Mike worked feverishly day and night to meet their deadline, and finished just before the Boy Scout Jamboree was to begin. On the day of the Boy Scout Wilderness hike, each boy scout was given a Tate's Compass to help them find their way. Unfortunately, it was discovered a little too late that every single compass was made with the colored point of the needle facing the wrong way, so when one was facing North, the needle pointed to the South. Needless to say, all of the boy scouts got lost and it was the biggest fiasco known in Boy Scout history. The Tate's compass company went out of business, but from this experience came the familiar adage, "He who has a Tate's is lost." (Say it out loud).

Here's a humorous story about a wealthy businessman as told by one of his grandchildren. Back in 1927 the businessman was bringing his wife, new baby and a nurse home from the hospital in a brand new Lincoln. As luck would have it, the car stalled on the tracks and they could hear a whistle blowing in the distance. Now, the man would rather risk his life than admit he couldn't handle any problem. He looked at his watch and said calmly, ''The 4:05 is right on time.'' ''My baby!'' screamed his wife. ''Let's get out!'' ''What! And leave a $6,000 Lincoln on the tracks!'' He snapped. ''If you will just settle down, I'll get it started.'' But nobody settled down, and the train came into view. Everyone left the car except the businessman. He leaned out the window and yelled to his wife, ''Hey Ruth. In case I get killed, the key to the vault is behind the Shakespeare book in my study.'' The conductor, slowing down for a stop anyway, managed to halt the train ten feet from the car. ''Darn!'' cursed the businessman. ''Now I've got to find a new hiding place for the vault key!''

Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another, much heavier set actor, took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

The mathematics professor noticed that one of his pupils was going from day-dreaming to sleep and back. He was oblivious and not following the instructions on the chalk board. To recall his attention the professor said sharply: "Brown, Brown, board!" Brown, startled looked up and replied, "Yes sir, very much."

One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student at the University of Illinois. "Why our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary." "You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from our son in college, we have to go to the bank!"

"You in the back of the room, what was the date of the signing of the Magna Carter?" "I dunno." "You don't? Well let's try this. Who was Bonny Prience Charley?" "I dunno." "Well, tell me what the Tennis Court Oath was?" "I dunno." "I assigned this stuff last Friday. What were you doing this last weekend?" "I was out drinking beer and fishing with friends." "You were? What audacity to stand there and tell me a thing like that? How do you ever expect to pass this course?" "I don't. I just came in to fix the radiator."

On the first day of class the chemistry professor was asking around the room the elements in the periodic table. "Jones, what does HNO3 signify? Jones, searching for the answer replied, "Well, ah, I've got it right on the tip of my tongue, sir." Professor: "Well, you better spit it out. It's nitric acid."

While working in the psychology department at a local college, I was asked to enlarge a chart for a meeting. I called the copy room and asked, "Can I get something blown up down there?" After a pause, the voice on the line replied, "I think you want the chemistry lab."

"When are you going to fix that front fence," said the farmers wife. "Next week when Johnny Jr. comes home from college," replied Johnny Sr. "What will the boy know about fixing a fence?" "He ought to know a heap. He wrote me that he'd been taking fencing lessons for over a month."

A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning. The surprised girl said, “What was that?” The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!” The girl slapped him soundly. “What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek. “Customer feedback.”

A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

The Dean is hospitalized after a heart attack. As he is lying in his hospital bed reflecting on his near brush with death, an attendant arrives with a lovely bouquet of flowers. The Dean asks the attendant to hand him the card and finds that it reads, "By a vote of 26 to 3 with 2 abstentions, the faculty wish you a speedy recovery."

Q: What did Paul Revere say at the end of his ride? A: “Whooaa, horsey, whooaa!”

What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.

Thank you student loans for getting me through college... I don't think I can ever pay you back.

You Might Be A College Student If..... ... you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen. ... you live in a house with three couches, none of which match. ... you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal. ... you have ever written a check for 45 cents. ... you get more e-mail than snail mail. ... you have ever seen two consecutive sunrises without sleeping. ... your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups ... your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads. ... you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night. ... your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't. ... you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy. ... you wake up 10 minutes before class. ... your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over. ... you get more sleep in class than in your room.

If pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on? Scholar-ships.

Optimist... A college student who opens his wallet and expects to find money.

A not so bright student was asking why we studied only civics in school... He wants to study other cars as well and not show favoritism towards Honda products!

As the philosophy professor looked out over his 8:00 am class he noticed that half of them were sound asleep, and the remaining students were struggling to keep their eyes open. Near the back of the class sat Betty, bright eyed and bushy tailed, eagerly taking notes. After class, the professor stopped Betty and asked, "Betty, why is it that half way through my lecture I notice that most of the students are sleeping, but there you are wide awake rapidly writing notes." Betty replied, "Well, sir, the night before our class, I remove my contacs,and place them in the fridge. The next morning I put them on before class."