Jokes

So, Donald Trump has chosen Mickey Pence as his vice-president…. ….not even Walt Disney could’ve imagined that one day Mickey and Donald would be running America!!

President Vladimir Putin called President Trump with an emergency: “Our largest condom factory has exploded!” the Russian President cried; “my people’s favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!” “Vladimir, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,” replied the Newly Elected President.. “I do need your help,” said Putin. “Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?” “Why certainly! I’ll get right on it!” said Trump. “Oh, and one more small favor, please?” said Putin. “Yes?” “Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10″ long and 4″ in diameter?” said Putin. “No problem,” replied Trump said and, with that, he hung up and called the President of Durex. “I need a favor, you’ve got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia.” “Consider it done,” said the President of Durex. “Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10″ long and 4″ wide.” “Easily done. Anything else?” “Yeah,” said Trump, “print ‘MADE IN USA, SIZE MEDIUM’ on each one.

Q: What do blondes and railroad tracks have in common? A: They've both been laid all over America.

George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech.  After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is? “Bob”. “And what is your question, Bob?” “I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Kerry got more votes? And third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden? Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, “OK, where were we? Oh that’s right - question time. Who has a question?” A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is? Steve” “And what is your question, Steve?” “I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Kerry got more votes? Third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?! And fifth, Where is “Bob”?!!

Ban pre-shredded cheese…. Make America grate again!!

America’s policy of shooting first and asking questions later has always been their downfall. I mean, just think how useful King Kong could have been on September the 11th.

People make it seem like looting is bad. Looting is not bad. America was formed by looting. Any Indians here? Course not! See what I mean?

I’m thinking of starting a new business. Because of the high tax rate here in the USA I have decided to explore abroad. Unfortunately, it’s mid-week at my local watering-hole and female patronage is rather low so I will have to wait to do my exploring on Friday and Saturday night.

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!" "Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President. "I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms as soon as possible to tide us over?" "Why certainly! I'll get right on it,"said Bush. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin. "Yes?" "Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin. "No problem," replied the President. Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything. George hung up and called the President of a condom company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia." "Consider it done," said the president of the condom company. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said the President, "print 'Made in America, size small' on each one!"

If u hate Donald Trump vote kick ass I mean what freak stops a civilisation Look at his(sarcastically) "well thought plan to stop Muslims from entering America, " Police will ask them if they r Muslims" Ever heard of lying genius!

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

Yo momma's so fat, when she went skydiving over Iraq, everyone thought America dropped a nuke.

On a scale of North Korea to America, how free are you tonight?

Teacher: Class, who can go to the board and show us the map of the North America? George: Yes, ma'am. Teacher: Okay George. George: Here is the map of North America. Teacher: Class, who discovered North America? Class: George!

Boy’s father come back from uk & was calling his wife. Boy:- papa mom has died. father slaped boy & said why u dont inform me when i was in America Boy :- i thought i will give u a surprise.

Q: If a plane crashed on the Canada/USA border, where would the survivors be buried? A: You don't bury survivors.

A rich Arab Sheikh was admitted at a hospital in USA for a major surgery but prior to the surgery the doctors asked to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found easily. So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally a Jew named Isaac was located who had a similar type of blood. Isaac willingly donated his blood for the Sheikh. After the surgery, as appreciation for giving his blood the Sheikh sent Isaac a new BMW, Gold, Diamonds, Lapiz Lazuli Jewellery, and a million Dirhams. A few weeks later the Sheikh again had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned Isaac, who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Sheikh sent Isaac a thank you card and a jar of Almond sweets. Isaac was shocked to see that the Sheikh this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Sheikh and said ‘This time also I thought that you would give me car, jewelry and other expensive gifts, but you gave only a thank you card and a jar of Almond sweets.’ To this the Sheikh replied: “ Shalom Isaac,…. now I have Jewish blood in my veins!! What do you expect?”

Only in America do we chain $2.00 ink pens to the counter but leave our $58,000 cars out in the driveway.

there are 4 guys standing on a bridge. A chinese guy, russian guy, mexican guy, and an american guy. the chinese threw off noodles. they all asked, why did you do that? the chinese said, because we have to much of that in china. the russian guy throws off vodka. they asked why did you do that? he replies, we have to much of that in russia. the mexican guy throws off a taco. they asked why did you do that? he says, because we have to much of that in mexico. the american…picks up the mexican, and throws him. they all asked WHY DID YOU DO THAT! the american replies, oh because we have tooooo many of "those" in america.

You hoes saying you’re leaving America but can’t even leave your boyfriend after he’s cheated on you 32 times

America doesn't need a military... We've got Chuck Norris

An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: “Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?” … … The Irishman replies: “No! I have two other brothers back home in County Cork, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both.” The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys. The barman asks: “Did something happen one of your brothers?” “Oh no,” replies the Irishman. “Me New Year’s resolution was to quit drinking!”

A Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were on a North American transcontinental flight. The Canadian stuck his hand out of the plane, and said, "We have reached Canada." The others asked, "How do you know?" The Canadian responded, "Because I have just touched the tip of the CN tower." A couple hours later, the American sticks his hand out of the plane and said, "We have reached the USA." The rest asked, "How do you know?" The american replied, "Because I have just touched the tip of the Empire State Building." Another couple of hours passed and the Mexican said, "We have just reached Mexico." The American and Canadian asked, "How do you know?" The Mexican answered, "Because when I stuck my hand out the window someone stole my watch."

Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team? All the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the USA.

Chuck Norris discovered America.

Everyone's got their own beliefs on this. It's America; you're entitled to your belief. My belief is that life begins when you start minding your own business.

An blond went into a pet shop and asked the owner if he had any parrots. The owner replied, “Sorry, I don’t have any at the moment.” “Damn and blast!” said the blonde, “I have been invited to a fancy dress party for the first time in my life and I want to go as a Pirate, and I have been told to be as authentic as possible, hence the need for the parrot explained the Blond. “Well” said the owner, “if you come back here next week, specifically on Thursday, I am expecting a shipment from South America and I’ll be able to supply you with a parrot, guaranteed,” “Damn and blast!” said the blonde, “I can’t come on that day or for some time after.” “Why not?” Asked the owner. “Because that is the day I’m having my leg amputated!

Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: what the hell was I thinking? ‘Eighty per cent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.’ Jackie Mason

MARS MISSION Russia 19 attempts. USA 21 attempts. India just 1 attempt and that's a success. Now do you understand why India is the country with the highest population growth.....!!!!!

Me; what are the 3 most used in america?? Friend; I Love You?? Me; no... Made in China