Jokes

Last year, I went to America on a mountain climbing holiday. I had an accident, and fell 30ft. I broke both my legs and was bleeding heavily. I managed to make it to a road, where I flagged down a car which drove me to the hospital. I crawled into the waiting room, and two nurses ran over to me. “Oh my God, are you alright?” one of them shouted. I said, “I’m absolutely fine, why do you ask?” before passing out. After waking up in the same spot 6 hours later, I realised there’s a time and a place for sarcasm.

For the record USA…. Today is 9/11.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria. TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile?” GLENN: “K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L” TEACHER: No, that’s wrong GLENN: Maybe it’s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable -- unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.

What’s the difference between the USA and a bird? …. On a bird, the left wing and right wing work together for the benefit of the whole bird.

Mexico doesn't win Olympic medals because all the best runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in America.

Afghanistan picking a fight with America -- what the hell? They can't afford cheese, and they want to fight America. You can't fight America if you can't afford cheese. First you get cheese, then you get cable, then you fight America.

I was thinking about how the Americans have butchered our language and decided to list a few ‘key’ words they have spelt incorrectly. I have shown the correct version, then the American version and noted the letter that is wrong: English -----> USA pyjamas -----> pajamas --- Y moustache ----> mustache -- O colour -----> color ----- U mollusc ----> mollusk, ---- C encyclopaedia --> encyclopedia -- A bannister ----> banister ---- N carburettor ---> carburetor --- T cosy ------> cozy ----- S sulphur -----> sulfur ---- P enquiry -----> inquiry ---- E fuelling -----> fueling ---- L labelling ----> labeling --- L Coincidence?

A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving west and the CB crackles to life. “Hey Roadway driver, who are the two biggest fags in America?” comes from the CB. The Roadway driver replies, “I don’t know.” The other trucker says ” You and your brother.” Well the Roadway driver gets annoyed but the other driver tells him “It’s just a joke - tell it to the next truck you see.” Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour and finally sees another truck. He gets on the CB and says “Hey other truck, do you know who the two biggest fags in the world are?” The other trucker says, “I don’t know, who?” The roadway driver replies “Me and my brother.”

Yo mum so fat when captain America threw his shield it never came back

I was reading about former baseball stars in America, and apparently Lou Gehrig died of Lou Gehrig’s disease. What are the odds?

On the seventh day, God said, "Let there be football." And it was good. Later that day, God said, "Let there be one team to rule the others and set the standard for excellence." With that, he plucked a star from the heavens and placed it on the helmet of silver and blue. God said, "Let it be called, ''The Dallas Cowboys'' - America''s team." Later that day, God said, "Even Cowboys need a**holes." So he made their fans.

A mother in China gave birth to a 15-pound baby. Chinese officials say it’s so big, it can do the work of two babies.” -Conan O’Brien Donald Trump announced he is building a new hotel four blocks from the White House. And with any luck, that will be about as close to the White House as Donald Trump will ever get.” -Jay Leno “President Obama has ordered new sanctions against Iran’s central bank for engaging in deceptive practices. I’ve got a better idea, how about sanctions against OUR banks for deceptive practices?” -Jay Leno A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.” -Jimmy Fallon According to USA Today, more Chinese tourists are coming to America. They get to see things they’ve never seen before: the Grand Canyon, the Statue of Liberty, adults working in factories.” -Jay Leno Today, the United Nations approved a resolution to lift the sanctions against Iraq. … Yeah, the move will allow Iraqis to buy things they don’t have, such as medicine and weapons of mass destruction.

In America, Chuck Norris finds you But in Soviet Russia, you find Chuck Norris.

Q: You know what would make America great again? A: If we kept the Mexicans and deported the hipsters.

Columbus may have discovered America, but after a conversation with Chuck Norris it was decided, Chuck Norris discovered America.

I still remember the good old days in America, when it was “Hands up OR I’LL shoot!”

Trump’s first day at the Oval Office. First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI: Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others. Trump: The Democrats created them. CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you would lose funding from the natural gas lobby. Trump: Stop funding Pakistan. Let India deal with them. CIA: We can’t do that. It is Modi in India and not Manmohan. Trump: So what? CIA: Modi will cut Balochistan out of Pak. Trump: I don’t care. CIA: India will have peace in Kashmir. They will stop buying our weapons. They will become a superpower. We have to fund Pakistan to keep India busy in Kashmir. Trump: But you have to destroy the Taliban. CIA: Sir, we can’t do that. We created the Taliban to keep Russia in check during the 80s. Now they are keeping Pakistan busy and away from their nukes. Trump: We have to destroy terror sponsoring regimes in the Middle East. Let us start with the Saudis. Pentagon: Sir, we can’t do that. We created those regimes because we wanted their oil. We can’t have democracy there, otherwise their people will get that oil - and we cannot let their people own it. Trump: Then, let us invade Iran. Pentagon: We cannot do that either, sir. Trump: Why not? CIA: We are talking to them, sir. Trump: What? Why? CIA: We want our stealth drone back. If we attack them, Russia will obliterate us as they did to our buddy ISIS in Syria. Besides we need Iran to keep Israel in check. Trump: Then let us invade Iraq again. CIA: Sir, our friends (ISIS) are already occupying 1/3rd of Iraq. Trump: Why not the whole of Iraq? CIA: We need the Shi’ite gov’t of Iraq to keep ISIS in check. Trump: I am banning Muslims from entering US. FBI: We can’t do that. Trump: Why not? FBI: Then our own population will become fearless. Trump: I am deporting all illegal immigrants to south of the border. Border patrol: You can’t do that, sir. Trump: Why not? Border patrol: If they’re gone, who will build the wall? Trump: I am banning H1Bs. USCIS: You cannot do that. Trump: Why? Chief of staff: If you do so we’ll have to outsource White House operations to Bangalore. Which is in India. Trump: What the hell should I do??? CIA: *Enjoy the White House, sir! We will take care of the rest!!!* God bless America!

Teacher: "Jill, where is the America on the map?" Jill: "Right there, ma'am." Teacher: "Correct. Now, Jack, tell me who found America." Jack: "Jill."

Put tape over the optical sensor of someone's mouse.

Paint a bar of soap completely with clear nail polish so it won't suds up.

Place a pair of pants and shoes inside the only toilet stall in a rest room to make it appear someone is using it all day.

Write a message on an upside-down paper cup that alludes to something horrible being trapped under it. Leave it on a coworker's desk or in a conference room.

Pull on a coworker is to press ctrl+print screen on their workstation, then paste it into Paint, save the pic, and set it as the desktop background. Move all of their icons to the trash. When they get back to their desk, clicking won't accomplish anything!

Take a squirt gun into the rest room stall next to someone and shoot little drops over the wall every couple of seconds while pretending to pee.

Hide an alarm clock in someone's bedroom and set it for 3:00 a.m.

April doesn't fool Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris fools April.

Find a sleeping person, fill their hand with shaving cream and then tickle their nose.

Put a "Please Use Other Door" sign on the entrance to your office building if it only has one entrance.

Change the coffee in the office coffee maker to decaf.