Jokes

Yo mama so fat that she is called America.

A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

In a Classroom the teacher asks; Maria, go to the map and find North America MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria.

A Pakistani boy took admission in an American school... Teacher: "Whats your name?" Boy: "Nadir" Teacher: "No, now you are in America, your name is Johnny from today." Boy went home and his mother asked: "How was the day Nadir?" Boy: "I am an American now, so call me Johnny." Mom and Dad both got offended and beat him up. Next day he was back to school all bruised... Teacher: "What happened Johnny?" Boy: "Ma'm, just 6 hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Pakistani terrorists."

1. Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now Ali Baba and the thirty thieves.  Ten were laid off. 2. Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin…. and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate 3. Iron man now “air-pooling” with Superman to save fuel costs. 4. Women finally marrying for love, and not money 5. Q: With the current market turmoil, what’s the easiest way tomake a small fortune? A: Start off with a large one. 6. The credit crunch is getting bad isn’t it? I mean, I let my brother borrow $10 a couple of weeks back, it turns out I’m now America’s third biggest lender. 7. Q: Why have Dubai real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning? A: Because otherwise they’d have nothing to do in the afternoon. 8. Q: What’s the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean? A: In a few weeks, nothing. 9. Dow Jones is re-branded as “Down Jones”.

An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station. The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA. Little Boy says " He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!" Officer says "Yes." Little Boy asks "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture.

Shredded cheese has officially been banned at grocery stores in the US. President Trump will make America grate again.

I was playing pool with a black man in America today when he had to stretch across the table to pot a ball. The police barged in to the place and shot him for resisting a rest.

It's America, not a load of laundry -- no need to separate the white and the colors.

One day, a blonde wanted to travel from America to Europe. She rang a Travel agent to ask how long it would take. Blonde: How long does take to travel to Europe from America? Travel agent: just a minute, Blonde: Thanks *hangs up phone*

I like immigrants 'cause they really appreciate America. They get here; they happy. They look up at the buildings like, 'Wow! It's beautiful.' And we're like, 'You like it? Good. You gonna clean the bathrooms.'

Teacher: Shamu, go to the map and find North America. Shamu: Here it is! Teacher: Correct. Now, Ramu, who discovered America? Ramu: Shamu!

What's the big deal about flag burning? I know it's a symbol of America. So what? So is apple pie -- my mother used to burn those all the time.

America where we celebrate Memorial Day with mattress sales.

Little Boy Anant's Latest pledge America is my nation, Girls are my destination, Dating is my passion, Flirting is my occupation & What the hell is this EDUCATION

When interviewers asked USA presidential candidate Gary (“Aleppo”) Johnson to find Syria on a map, he showed them a piece of sandpaper.

AMERICA: The only country that used a Goverment shut down to solve its problems.

The next President of the United States of America will be Hillary "I kicked Trump's ass in every debate" Clinton. Can't wait for Trump and his deplorable's to get lost.

Mexico’s president has cancelled his trip to America to visit Trump. The wall isn’t even built yet and it’s already keeping one out.

In America its called the big bang theory, in england they call it Jeremy Kyle.

Chuck Norris became famous when he coached the American rugby and America won the fifa world cup.

Phone Calls from Hell … George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. … Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. … Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished, the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check. … Finally, George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. … When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. ,,, The devil smiles and replies, “Since Obama took over, the USA has gone to hell, so it’s a local call.”

A Kingdom is ruled by a King An Empire is ruled by an Emperor The USA is lucky! It almost became a Country on November 8th!

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. … When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” … The Irishman replies, “Well, ye see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for me self.” … The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. … One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. … When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.” … The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that m’ wife had us join the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected me brothers, though.”

A dying man gives each of his best friends -- a lawyer, doctor and clergyman -- an envelope containing $25,000 in cash to be placed in his coffin. A week later the man dies and the friends each place an envelope in the coffin. Several months later, the clergyman confesses that he only put $10,000 in the envelope and sent the rest to a mission in South America. The doctor confesses that his envelope had only $8,000 because he donated to a medical charity. The lawyer is outraged, "I am the only one who kept my promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained my own personal check for the entire $25,000."

As USA gets closer to the 2016 election year, US citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs. The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky. And Monica blew it.

Top ten things WOMEN would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day: ….. ….. 10. Get ahead faster in corporate America …. 9. Learn to stare with that “I’m undressing you” look. ….. 8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat. ….. 7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal. 6. Determine why NO MAN can hit the bowl consistently. 5. Find out what it’s like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm. 4. Touch/shift/scratch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem. 3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks. 2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man’s eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement. And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis… 1. Get a blow job.

T here was a Japanese guy who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the Japanese leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!” After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!” And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!” The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, “Wah… so expensive!” Thereupon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!”

Only on America do we accept weather predictions from a rodent but deny climate change evidence from scientists.

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, “I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, “I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don’t want me to die.” He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, “My son, I am old and don’t have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.” The little boy said, “That’s okay, Your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for you. America ‘s smartest President took my schoolbag.”