Jokes

If I had a pound for every time my wife accused me of being unfaithful, I could’ve bought my girlfriend that necklace she’s always wanted.

I really wanted to surprise my wife for her birthday So I introduced her to my girlfriend

My best buddy said to me yesterday, “If I shagged your wife, would that make us related?” … … I said, “No man, that would just make us even.”

A man is talking to his best friend about married life. “You know,” he says, “I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there’s always that doubt.” His friend says, “Yeah, I know what you mean.” A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend. “While I’m away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there’s always that doubt.” The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town. Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend. “So did anything happen?” “I have some bad news for you,” says the friend. “The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light.” “Then what happened?” says the man. “I don’t know. It was too dark to see.” “Fcuk! you see what I mean? There’s always that fcuking doubt.”

I’ve been having an affair with a film director’s wife. Yesterday he caught us in bed together. He was furious. I said to him, “Look, mate, don’t make a scene.”

My wife hit me in the face with a frying pan and yelled, “That’s for all the cheating!” She has a weird way of apologising.

A man was wandering around a carnival and he happened to see a fortuneteller’s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. “Ah…” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.” “That’s what you think,” said the man scornfully. “I’m the father of THREE children.” The woman grinned and said, “That’s what YOU think!

I proposed to my girlfriend yesterday. But my family are all against it, they think it’s wrong and this should never be allowed to happen. Especially my wife.

I finally found my wife’s G-spot! Who would have thought her sister had it the whole time?

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman’s house where they engage in passionate love making. … … The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, “quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!” So the man runs into the bathroom. Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. “Why are you naked?” he asks. “Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready for you.” “Okay.” the man replies “I’ll go get ready.” He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands. “Who the heck are you?”, the man asks. “I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with.” The husband exclaims, “But you are naked!” The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise. “Those little bastards!”

As my sister-in-law roared off in her new car my wife commented “I think I made a mistake marrying you, Look how happy my sister is in her new car” I said “Yes, maybe if you sucked a lot of cock your boyfriend would buy you a Porsche too” “I may well just do that” she sneered. “It’s a bit late now” I replied “I can’t afford two”.

My wife stormed into the living room with my phone bill in her hand. “You’ve spent £500 on texts to a “Slutty MILF”? “You’ve got a lot of explaining to do!” “Not as much as O2,” I said. “They told me that I had unlimited texts.”

Last night my wife found me in the pub, threw a pint over my head, and called me an asshole. Every year she has to go and ruin our wedding anniversary.

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, “Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.” “Certainly, darling,” he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, “Say,” said the druggist, “I know you - aren’t you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?” “Yeah, so?” said the officer. “Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?” ====

Two women were waiting to get into the Pearly Gates of Heaven when they struck up a conversation. “How did you die?”, the first woman asked the second. “I froze to death,” said the second. “That’s awful,” said the first woman. “How does it feel to freeze to death?” “It`s very uncomfortable at first,” says the second woman. “You get the shivers and shakes and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But, eventually, it`s a very calm way to go. You get very numb and just sort of go to sleep. How did you die?” “I had a heart attack,” says the first woman. “You see, I knew my lousy husband was cheating on me, so one day, I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, but I found him alone, watching TV. I ran down to the basement but no one was hiding there either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there, so I ran as fast as I could up to the attic. Just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.” The second woman shakes her head. “That`s so ironic,” she says. “What do you mean?” asks the first woman. The second woman tells her, “If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we would both still be alive.”

A woman walks in on her husband performing änäl sεx on his secretary. … … The wife screams, “You can’t do this to me!” … … The husband says, “I know. That’s why I’m doing it to her.”

“How old is your girlfriend?”… “She’s52” … “Haha, dude, she could be your mom!” … “Yeah, actually it’s yours.”

It’s Bill and Hillary Clinton’s fiftieth anniversary… As they sat over a candle lit dinner, Hillary made a confession. “Bill,” she says. “You know that rather large box in the basement you told me never to open?” “Yes” says Bill. “It had been bothering me for years and finally curiosity won over. I opened it.” Bill sighed in disappointment. Hillary asked, “I found twenty-three empty beer bottles and three hundred seventy seven dollars. Can I ask why you were keeping twenty-three empty beer bottles?” “Well, Hillary. I’m going to be honest. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I would come home and open a beer. I would drink it thinking about how I really love you and how sorry I was. The beer bottles are reminders of the mistakes I made cheating on you.” Hillary was surprised but she knew his past and accepted it. “Bill, I’m disappointed, but we have been through worse. I love you and I forgive you. Can I ask why there was three hundred seventy seven dollars in the box?” Bill shrugged. “Every time the box filled up with beer bottles, I took them back for the deposit.”

T he two female teens were discussing a news article concerning gasoline fumes causing impotence in the male. “Aren’t you worried about Tommy’s new job at the gas station? Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his pencil.” “Doesn’t matter,” giggled the other girl. “He doesn’t do all my writing anyway.”

The mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase. “What happened ?” she asks anxiously. “What happened!! I’ll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip. I get home… and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my wife , with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!” “Calm down, calm down!” says his mother-in-law. ” There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.” Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. ” I told you there must be a simple explanation ….. she didn’t receive your E-mail!

Bill and Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. “Bill, Bill wake up.” Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, “Bill, Bill wake up.” Bill finally wakes up and says, “What do you want?” Hillary responds, “I have to go use the bathroom.” To which Bill says, “Please tell me you didn’t wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom.” Hillary says, “No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot.”

A family was having dinner on Mother’s Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong. “Nothing,” said the woman. Not buying it, he asked again. “Seriously, what’s wrong?” “Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, you don’t even tell me so much as “Thank you.” “Why should I?” he said. “Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father’s Day gift.” “Yes,” she said, “but I’m their real mother.”

My wife has just left me for Arnold Schwarzenegger. She’ll be back.

A man was talking to his friend at the bar. The friend said “Did you know that 9 out of 10 women with brown eyes cheat on their husbands?” “No, I didn’t know that.” The man replied. “So what color are your wife’s eyes?” asked the friend. The man replied, “I’m too drunk to remember. Geez, I better go home and find out.” So the man hurries home to find his wife in bed and asleep. The man carefully lifts his wife’s eyelid and exclaims, “Oh my God! Brown!” Suddenly, another man pops out from under the covers and exclaims, “How the hell did you know I was here ?”

My wife said, “Can you be honest with me, have you ever cheated?” I said, “No.” She said, “So you’ve never cheated?” I said, “I didn’t say that, I’m just not going to be honest with you.”

I would never cheat in a relationship, because that would require two people to find me attractive.

What is the definition of adultery ? The wrong woman in the right place.

“What on Earth do you see in that woman that you don’t see in me? ” asked my wife. “My cock, ” I replied.

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell… They’re going at it for a couple minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them-it’s a police officer. “What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer. “I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly. “Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.” “Well,” said the man, “neither did I until you shined that light in her face.”

My daughter came home from school yesterday carrying a child’s artwork… “Look what I made daddy,” she said, “We were supposed to draw a scene from inside our house.” I looked at it and said, “That’s nice sweetheart, but when have you seen a gorilla and a pink elephant standing under a waterfall in this house?” “That’s not what that is daddy. That’s mommy and her friend Tyrone in the shower when you’re at work.”