Jokes

When you don't know, what you are doing, it's best, to do it quickly.

Is yur name Atilla cuz you can be my hun anytime!

Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.

Laziness Level: I get jealous when it's bedtime in other countries

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

I like to finish other people's sentences because... my version is better.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Anyone who says "good morning" on a Monday is a sociopath.

If you feel unsure about a new haircut, ask a man if it looks okay. But ask him many, many, many times. Never be satisfied with his answer.

I never admit or deny anything it makes things more interesting.

White smoke from under my hood means either my starter went out or my car has elected a new Pope.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around.

If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Updating your relationship status in public is fine. Updating your relationship problems in public is stupidity.

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

My mind wants to dance but my body is a really awkward white guy.

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

I'm black in complexion, not dark in color.

When I said "I was afraid of the dentist", I meant the bill.

We must pay for the mistakes of our youth… at the drugstore.

Our conscience is clear- we don't use it.

I'm not trying to boss you around just do what I say.

What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

What did one autumn leaf say to another? I'm falling for you.

It gets kinda awkward when you’re stuck slap bang in the middle of a couple starting a full blown argument right in front of you… They could have at least waited for me to pull my pants up and leave their bedroom first.

Mike: “I’ve been taking night courses for five months now, and I have an exam next week.” John: “Oh!” Mike: “For example, do you know who Graham Bell is?” John: “No.” Mike: “He is the inventor of the phone in 1876. If you take night courses you would know this.” The next day the same discussion took place: Mike: “Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?” John: “No.” Mike: “He is the author of “The 3 Musketeers”. If you took night courses you would know this.” The next day, once again: Mike: “And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?” John: “No.” Mike: “He’s the author of “Confessions”, if you took night courses you would know this.” Now this time John got irritated and said, “And do you know who Steven Turner is?” Mike: “No.” John: “He is the guy sleeping with your wife! If you stopped night duties you would know this!”

It’s coming to that day again when I make a resolution not to cheat on my wife for the rest of the year. December 30th.

Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left ajar. She peeks in and sees 3 golf balls and $6,000. She confronts her mate with her findings, and asks for an explanation. He explains “Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer.” She figures 3 times in 30 years isn’t bad. But what about the $6,000? He explains “Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold ’em!”