Jokes

The Missing Gravy Ladle … …. John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. … …. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. …. …. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.” About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. “You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Julie said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.” Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.”

My woman and I have finally worked out a good arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the guys and one night a week, she goes out with the guys.

A mortician was working late one night examining dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he was amazed. Schwartz had the longest ‘member’ he had ever seen! “I’m sorry, Mr. Schwartz,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with such a tremendously huge as this. It has to be saved for posterity.” With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s unit. He then stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. “I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said as he opened up his briefcase. “Oh my God!” the wife suddenly screamed, “Schwartz is dead!

The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap. One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom. The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs and into the maid’s bed. She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came in silently………. He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his dick, got on top of her and fcuked her like there was no tomorrow.When he finished and while he was still panting, the wife said You didn’t fcuking expect to find me in this bed did you!!” and switched on the light. “No madam”, said the gardener.

A policeman pulled me over and asked if I had anything in my pockets that might hurt him. I answered, “No, just this naked photo of my girlfriend.” How was I to know it was his wife?

I said to my mate who is always cheating on his wife, “The grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence you know. ” “Maybe not, ” he replied, “but the cows are a lot nicer. “

I was entering a singles bar last night when a bouncer started patting me down. He said, “Have you got anything on you that you shouldn’t have?” “Yes,” I replied, “My wedding ring .”

My girlfriend is always getting quite suspicious about my behaviour. She’ll often ring me four or five times a day asking where I am or what I’m doing. It really is very irritating. Even more so when my wife does it too.

My Jewish mate got caught cheating by his wife. He’s growing her some flowers.

A young boy asks his Dad, “What is the difference between confident and confidential?” Dad says, “You are my son, I’m confident about that. But see your friend over there? He is also my son. That’s confidential.”

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?” Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason. Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?'” Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?” Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?” Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.” “I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.” “Alright,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

My best friend swore up and down that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments. …. … Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant.

I finally told my wife the truth; that I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she is seeing a psychiatrist, two bartenders, the mailman and her fitness trainer.

My son asked, “Dad, how come I have brown skin and you are white?” “Well just look at your mum, son.” I said. “But she’s not black.” “I know, you idiot!” I replied, “She’s a fcuking whore!”

There was an old priest in a small town who spent years listening to confessions, most of which had been about adultery. One day he had enough and said “If I get one more confession about adultery I will leave this town.” Now the people really liked the priest and didn’t want to see him leave so they decided to start calling adultery something else. Eventually the word “fallen” replaced the word adultery, and people would confess to having fallen. This satisfied the priest and he stayed in that town for many more years until his eventual death. After his death a new priest came to town and after a week came to the mayor. “Mr. Mayor you must do something about your sidewalks. I’ve had a dozen people come to me saying they’ve fallen.” At this point the Mayor starts laughing, realizing that no one had told the new priest what “fallen” stands for. But before the mayor could say anything, the priest interrupts him. “I don’t know why you’re laughing Mr. Mayor, your wife said she fell five times this week.”

You just know you are in for a shit day when you are sitting in the waiting room of an abortion clinic with your girlfriend and your wife walks in.

A colleague at work asked me earlier why when I started going out with a woman, it only ever lasted 3 or 4 dates at the most. “I just get scared” I said. “What, of commitment?” he asked. “No” I replied, “My wife finding out.”

I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, “What’s going on?” My wife said, “Erm… We’ve been playing on the Wii Fit.” She winked at my mate and said, “Dave did VERY well.” As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a “dickhead”, but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!

Putting a pin through all of my best friends condoms seemed like a good idea at the time. Backfired though when I found out my wife is pregnant.

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, Well now, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

A woman hears someone knock at the door. She opens to see and a man asks, “Do you have a vagina??” She slams the door in disgust. The next day she hears a knock, opens up and its the same man. He asks the same question the woman slams the door again. Her husband gets home she tells him what happened for the last two days. The husband says to her, “Honey I’m taking tomorrow off to be home just in case he shows up again.” The next morning they hear a knock at the door and the husband says, “I’m going to hide behind the door and listen. If it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to see where he is going with this.” The man asks the same question, “Do you have a vagina?” “Yes!” replies the woman. The man replies, “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s one alone and start using yours.

Three Ladies are playing the fourth hole at a well-known golf course on the edge of Greenwood, when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood. The first lady says, ‘He is definitely not my husband.’ The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, ‘He is not mine either.’ After a very considered inspection, the third lady finally says, ‘He’s 1not even a member of this golf club’

Loyalty is very important for my wife… … … My girlfriend doesn’t care. … … Funny how different sisters can be.

There was a guy named John, who was the most positive guy in the whole world. Every time anyone said something negative, John would always say, “It could have been worse.” One day, John’s coworkers all got together and decided to come up with a scenario so bad that John couldn’t say that it could have been worse. When John arrived at work that day, one of his coworkers asked him, “John did you hear what happened to Sam last night?” John replied, “No, what?” The coworker replied, “When Sam got home last night, he found his wife in bed with another man. Sam shot the man, his wife, and then turned the gun on himself!” John replied, “Well, it could have been worse.” In disgust the coworker replied, “Now how could that have been any worse?” John replied, “Because if it had been the night before, he would have shot me!”

I’ve just pulled up on the drive to see a thieving bastard run out of our back door & jump the fence. The wife must have put up a good fight though, she was naked, drenched in sweat & could hardly walk .

A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. “You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. “What took you so long to answer?” “I was in bed.” “What were you doing in bed this late?” “Getting a second opinion.”

I took a woman back home last night. We got kissing on the sofa and, before long, I slipped my hand into her knickers. She asked, “Shall we take this upstairs?” I said, “No, I’d rather we did it here.” “Oh I see.” She winked, “Something in your bedroom you don’t want me to see, eh?” I said, “Yeah, my wife.”

There’s a fellow who is a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and eager, golf all day long, 36 holes sometimes. Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course. Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it’s going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, “The weather out there is terrible.” To which she sleepily replies, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that?”

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem. In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself”. On the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He’s so horny and keen to try out his new ‘system’ that he doesn’t think twice and leaps on board. After a few minutes ‘slap and tickle’, they find themselves in the ’69’ position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor’s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, “How did it go?” The man answered, “Just fcuking great, asshole…when I fired the pistol my wife sh1t on my face, bit three inches off my cock and my neighbour came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!”