Jokes

Why couldn't the skunk use her phone? It was out of odor!

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

At a restaurant, one of the customers notices that all of the waiters have two spoons in their vest pockets. A waiter explains, "We see that the most frequently dropped silverware is spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement." Then the customer notices a string hanging out of all the waiters' flies. "The string is for us to go to the bathroom," explains the waiter. "That way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims straight, and we don't need to use our hands." The customer asks, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?" The waiter replies, "Well, that's another reason we carry the spoons."

Why did the rabbit have trouble hopping? Because he always kept one foot in his pocket for good luck.

Yo mama so ugly that when she delivered a little baby after birth the baby saw mum and screamed "It's a gorilla!".

What did the elephant say to his girlfriend? "I love you a ton!"

Chuck Norris looked Medusa straight in the eyes, and laughed.

I had to get rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.

What is green and jumps from bed to bed? A prostitoad.

These two Polish hunters are out in the woods. They are lucky enough to bag a moose-a really big buck with a nice spread of antlers. Flushed with satisfaction and eager to get their trophy home, they proceed to grab hold of the moose’s tail and start pulling the carcass out of the woods. They pull and pull and pull but it won’t budge. Finally a fellow hunter comes by and says, “Excuse me for offering some advice-but you might find it easier to haul that thing by the horns.” The two Polish hunters are ecstatic to hear this! Thanking the visitor heartily, they each grab an antler and start pulling. A few hours later the fellow hunter passes by again and sees the two tired Polish hunters still at it, slowly but steadily pulling their moose by its horns through the woods. “How’s it going?” he asks. “Great!” they reply. “We only have one problem: we are getting farther and farther away from our car.

Did you know there is a species of antelope capable of jumping higher then the average house due to its powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house can't jump?

Two little snakes were hissing near their pit. The mother snake came out and said, ''What are you doing hissing near our pit. If you want to hiss go over to Mrs. Pott's pit and hiss. The two little snakes went over to Mrs. Pott's pit to hiss. Mrs. Potts came out and said, ''Hey you two little snakes, what are you doing hissing near my pit? If you want to hiss, go back over to your own pit and hiss!'' The two little snakes went back to their own pit to hiss. Their mother came out and said, ''What are you doing hissing near our pit? I thought I told you to go over to Mrs. Pott's house to hiss. They said, Mrs. Potts said if we wanted to hiss we had to go back to our own pit to hiss. The mother snake said, ''Well, I knew Mrs. Potts before she had a pit to hiss in.''

The difference between true love and dinosaurs: We're sure that dinosaurs once existed on this earth.

Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air. He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound. The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound. He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound. He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him, "How deep is this hole?" The farmer said, "Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?" The man, not wanting to get the blame, said, "No." The farmer said, "Oh well. He can't get far. He was tied to a railroad beam."

Q: What says "Eoo?" A: A cow with no lips.

The Israelis and Arabs realized that if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world, so they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: A duel of two, like David and Goliath. This would be a dog fight. The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good. The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies.. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty, ferocious beast. When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!! Everyone at the dog-fight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. The bookies all took one look and predicted the Arab dog would win in less than a minute. The cages were opened. The Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring. The Arab dog leaped from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer-dog’s tail floating to the ground. The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise. The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. “We do not understand,” said their leader, “our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweillers and Siberian wolves. They developed an incredible killing machine of a dog”. The Israeli General replied. “Well, for 5 years we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons in Beverly Hills, California, working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”

Chuck Norris can stick his hand inside a rabbit's mouth and pull out a HAT!

How do you call a Triceratops with horns on his butt? Tricera-bottoms.

Q: What's gray on the inside and clear on the outside? A: An elephant in a plastic bag.

This guy walks into a bar with a pet rabbit. He put the rabbit on the bar and says “Let me have a scotch and give the rabbit a beer.” The bartender says “I can give you the scotch but I can’t serve the rabbit a drink, we don’t serve animals here.” The guy says “You don’t understand, this is a special rabbit.” The bartender says “What’s so special about it?” The guy says “This rabbit gives the best blow job in the world, Why don’t you take it into the office and give it a try.” The bartender takes the rabbit into the office and come out about a half hour later saying “I want this rabbit, it was the best” How much for the rabbit? The guy says “It’s not for sale.” The bartender says “I’ll give you $5000. The guy says “No.” The bartender go to the safe and pulls out another $5000. and says “Here’s $10,000. The guy still says no! The bartender passes the hat in the bar and comes up with another $5000. and says “This is all I got please sell me the rabbit.” The guys finally agrees. That night, the bartender takes the rabbit home after closing the bar, walking into the kitchen where his wife is, he shows her the rabbit. She says “A rabbit, what am I suppose to do with a rabbit? The bartender says “Teach it how to cook then get the fcuk out”

Ladies... You can't wear animal print and be bigger than the animal.

What did Harry Potter do when he found the three-headed dog? He ran... wouldn't you?

What has four legs and says boo? A cow with a cold.

What do you call a blender full of laboratory monkeys? Rhesus pieces.

Q: What do whales like on their toast? A: I can’t believe it’s not blubber!

Q: Why doesn't Tigger have any friends? A: He plays with Pooh

Some people think we are making great strides in the dissemination of information. They claim the newspaper is useless with news that is at least a day old when we get it. So, my wife asked me for the newspaper .. I said, “How backward are you?… The world has progressed so much and you are asking for a newspaper? Here, have my iPad …. Wife kills the cockroach with the iPad…. I’m eating my words as I take the iPad in for repair….

Why do hummingbirds hum? “Because they can't remember the words!"

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow? A: Spoiled milk.

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse called."