Jokes

How come sharks don’t attack lawyers? From professional courtesy.

My ex-girlfriend used to have a pet parrot. The thing would never f*cking shut up.. the parrot was cool though.

I hate insects puns, they really bug me.

Yo' Mama is so poor, when she goes to the park, ducks throw her bread.

Q: What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits your windshield? A: Its butt.

An old lady was considering buying a squirrel fur coat. "But will it be all right in the rain?" she asked anxiously. "Oh certainly, ma am," said the manager smoothly. "After all, you've never seen a squirrel with an umbrella have you?"

Person: Siri search Funny animals . I phone:looking for a Rock. Person: you b*tch. I phone:calling mom

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: Doesn't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

What's a moo hoo for a bunch of weirdo cattle? A nerd herd.

To err is human. To forgive is also human. Actually, everything you do is human. Except for laying eggs. That's more of a bird thing.

Why did a gambler scare everyone out swimming? He was a card shark.

A snail and a slug got in a crash. When the police, ambulances and news reporters arrived, a reporter asked a tortoise what happened. He replied: "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"

What happens when the cows refuse to be milked? Udder chaos.

Why did the gray whale go on a diet? Because he wasn't a Fin whale.

Q: How many sheep do you need to make a sweater? A: I don’t know. I didn’t think sheep could knit!

“How good are elephants at hiding in trees?” “What do you mean?” “Elephants don't hide in trees! “ "Well, "have you ever seen one?”

Chuck Norris was once so famished, he ate Turkey. The country there now is only an impostor.

What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster? A cock that stays up all night.

Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.

On what should you mount a statue of your cat? A caterpillar!

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

One Thanksgiving, a friend and I were walking down a main street in Albany when a man comes up to me and gives me a turkey and says, "Happy Thanksgiving!" Without hesitation my friend knocks him out. I asked my friend why he punched the nice man. My friend said, "He gave you the bird!"

Gemma:My dog doesn't have a nose. Ortoise: How does he smell? Gemma: Awful!

Yo' Mama is so nasty, the animals at the petting zoo make her wear gloves.

What did the dentist said to the Sabretooth tiger? You have outstanding teeth.

Teacher: Kids,what does the chicken give you? Kids: Meat! Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you? Kids: Bacon! Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you? Kid: Homework!

Chuck Norris created the platypus by roundhouse kicking a duck at a beaver.

Two statues, male and female, faced each other in the city park for many years. An angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." The statues came to life and smiled at each other. They ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Giggling, the female statue said, "Sure, but this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

Which rabbit stole from the rich to give to the poor? Rabbit Hood.

A magician had landed a comfortable job on a cruise ship. His act was rendered hilarious by his parrot who would ridicule the magician after every trick, saying "Big deal, the cards up his sleeve." or "He put the ball in a hidden floor, the big faker!" One night the ship began to sink and while confusion reigned, the magician was just barely able to get to a tiny life boat with his beloved parrot. For two days the magician and parrot floated on the rough seas. Strangely, the parrot sat on the opposite end of the craft just staring at the magician. Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot screamed ‘"kay, I give up… where the hell did you put the god damned boat!"