Jokes

Q: Why did the dog cross the road? A: He saw some dog food.

Why did the raccoon cross the road? He didn't, he got hit by a car.

I was walking home when I noticed a couple of robins laying down in the sun. I let my talking cats out and the kitten said to her mom, ''I'm hungry!'' So the mother cat said, ''What would you like?'' The kitten replied, ''I don't know!'' Then the mother cat looked at the robins and said, ''How about some basking robins?''

A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked if he had lost a parrot. He said that he had indeed lost the bird, but wanted to know how the caller located him. The called said that the bird had landed on his balcony and kept repeating, "Hi, you have reached 555-1234. I can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message at the tone."

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever. "Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?" "Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to punch you in the nose." "Okay," says the guy. He turns to his dog. "Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of your doghouse?" "Roof!" The man turns and smiles at the bartender. "THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!" "Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?" "Ruff!" "What are you tryin' to pull, mister?" "Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?" "Ruth." The bartender beats the heck out of the guy and throws him onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy. "Geez. D'ya think I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

Your as worthless as, Tits on a boar hog.

Q: What do you get when you cross a dog with an elephant? A: A very nervous postman.

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

The judge: Why did you shoot the rabbit without being a member of the hunters association? The inculpated: Why did the rabbit eat cabbage from my garden, without being a family member?

Why did the tadpole feel lonely? Because he was newt to the area.

Turtles think frogs are homeless.

There is a drunk guy in a bar and a big, fat woman with a parrot on her shoulder. She sits by the drunk guy and he looks over at her and says, "Where'd you get that hog?" She looks at him and frowns. He takes a few more drinks, then he says, "Where'd you get that hog?" She looks and says, "I'll have you know, this is not a hog, this is a parrot!" The dude says, "Well I'll have you know, I was talking to the hog."

On the street strolls a chick dressed with fur from head to toes. Near hear another chick stops and says to hear: Do you imagine how many animals they had to kill for this coat? But do you know with how many animals I had to sleep with for it?

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. ‘And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’ The teacher paused then asked the class: ‘And what do you think the man said?’ One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly… ‘I think the man would have said - Son of a bitch!! A talking pig!’

I have a dog, you know? And I couldn't even figure out what to name him, so I named him Bill Clinton. That way I could just blame him for stuff, you know? 'Who knocked over the garbage?' 'Bill Clinton.' 'Who chewed up my work?' 'Oh, Bill Clinton.' 'Who soiled this perfectly good dress?' 'Bill Clinton.'

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side!

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough." The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough." Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

Q: What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield? A: Its ass.

Jim and Lena were driving around the countryside when they ran over a skunk. "We better take the skunk to the vet, Lena. Just put the skunk between your legs to keep it warm." "But, Jim, what about the smell?" "Don't worry, Lena. The skunk will get used to it."

What has four legs and one arm? A Doberman in a playground.

What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you? Your calves.

Two flys are out on a date, so they go out on the town and see fresh dog poop on the side of the road. They rush down and start feasting, when one of the flies stops and has the biggest relieved face. The other fly asks, "Are you okay?" The fly responds with a squirmish smile and the other fly smells something funky and says, "Dude, how rude! You fart while I'm eating!"

Chuck Norris doesn't eat honey. He chews bees...

A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, "These sleepovers are killing me."

The following conversation took place at a dentists. Dentist: Say Ahhh!! Patient: Why? Dentist: My cat died earlier this morning.

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord’s prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is… that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

I’ve been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days. It’s on its last legs now.

A single guy decideds life would be more fun if he had a pet.  So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use as his house. He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box,  “Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time.” But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,   “How about going to church with me and receive blessings?”  But again,there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede’s house and shouted,   “Hey, in there!  Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?” … YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS …..This time,a little voice came out of the box, “I heard you the first F****** time! I’m putting my shoes on!”

Men are like frogs, the most important thing is to jump on faster.

Did you hear the joke about the skunk? Never mind, it stinks.