Jokes

What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that's a sweet ass.

Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air. Bert said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone." George echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore." Little Johnny sighed, "I wish it was dark..."

As we approached our new house the dog stiffened and began to whimper. “What’s wrong with Toby daddy?” My daughter asked. “It’s an animal sixth sense,” I explained. “They can detect the presence of evil.” “Is the house haunted?” She shivered. “No,” I replied, before turning to my wife. “Love! I think your mother’s here already.”

Every time I see a politician on the campaign trail, they make all kinds of promises they have no intention of living up to. Basically, our election system has become a more sophisticated version of that game you used to play with your dog when you were a kid, where you'd take a tennis ball and fake throw it and watch him run out and try to find it. 'What is that? Is that healthcare? You want healthcare, don't you? Go get it!'

Q: Why are fish so smart? A: They live in schools.

I was in a quandry. My pet cockroach broke a leg tonight. I thought about taking it to a vet, but you know how expensive vet’s visits are. Then I had a bright idea! I fastened the leg in place with a roach clip until it heals. If you are stopping by to help me blaze a joint, could you bring a clip?

Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? A: Becuase the "P" is silent.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? A: Bacon and legs.

What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle? A polo bear.

Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?" The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn"t it?"

Why are dolphins cleverer than humans? Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

The mommy Cobra with her little son are taking a “walk”. The little cobra asks; "Mommy, are we poisonous?" "Yes, we are. Why you ask?" The little cobra asks again; "Are you sure that we’re poisonous?" "Yes I am!" says the mom with pride. The little one asks again; "Are you very very sure that we’re very poisonous?" "Damn sure! We’re the most poisonous snakes in the whole world! But why you ask?" The little cobra burst into tears; "Cause I bit my tongue a bit before!"

Where do rabbits go after their wedding? On their bunnymoon.

What's the fastest way to send a rabbit? Haremail.

What do you call a bull that runs into a threshing machine? Hamburger.

An Anteater walks into a bar…. Bartender says “can I get you a drink?” …. “Nooooooooooooooooooooo” …. “How about something to eat?” …. “Nooooooooooooooooooooo” …. “What about some peanuts?” …. “Nooooooooooooooooooooo” …. Frazzled, the bartender says, “What’s with the long no’s”? Anteater replies, “I was born with it”.

A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making. Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it. The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." Still no success. So, he said, "Look. Let's both get on top." At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said: "Zoo or no zoo. I just gotta see this."

What do you get when you cross a frog and a rabbit? A rabbit that says, "Ribbit."

Q: Where do sharks go on their holidays? A: Finland.

What are the most athletic rodents? Track and field mice.

Why was the horseman fired from his job of saddle testing? He was always standing up on the job!

I look down, I see this big dog sitting there licking himself, like dogs do. I turn to my friend, I say, 'I wish I could do that.' He said, 'Go over and pet him, maybe he'll let you.'

I've seen a turkey but I've never been to Turkey.

Curiosity didn't kill the cat. Chuck Norris did.

I bought a new dog yesterday. I’ve named him Rolex…….he’s a watchdog

Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease? Because they are all PIGS!

What sound does a horny toad make? RUB IT, RUB IT

Did you hear about the dyslexic Zookeeper who gave Viagra to a dangerous crocodile? He read somewhere that it’s good for treating reptile dysfunction.