Jokes

I knocked on my neighbour’s door. I said, “Your cat sat on the bonnet of my car and left scratch marks all over it.” “I can only apologise!” said the woman, “He won’t do it again.” I said, “Of course not, he’s dead.”

An old woman walks into a butcher shop and asks for a New Mexico duck. The butcher grabs the nearest duck and hands it to the old lady. She puts her finger up its ass, pulls it out, smells it, and says, "You must be new here because this is no New Mexico duck." The butcher replies, "Yep, I am new here." The old lady comes back with, "Well, where are you from?" The butcher drops his pants, spreads his butt cheeks and says, "I don't know, why don't you tell me."

My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don’t worry, at least he died in comfort.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a lambrogini? A: Procupines have pricks on the outside.

What do you call the everyday routines of rabbits? Rabbits habits.

Why did the gag-writer turn green? Cause the gag-writer was sick of writing frog jokes!

Why God did made the snake before lawyers? To exercise.

Q: What is a crowbar? A: A place were crows go to get a drink!

Occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand...

Q: What do you call a man attacked by a cat? A: Claude.

What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space? Steer Wars.

Q: If you were forced to go through one of the following doors, which door do you go through with 100 % certainty you'd stay alive: a door with a man with a gun behind it, a door with a tiger who hasn't eaten in 7 years behind it, or a door with an electrical chair behind it? A: The one with the tiger behind it, because if it hasn't eaten in 7 years it's dead.

How do jockeys determine which racehorses are the favourites? They take a gallop poll!

Q: How many tickles does it take to get a Octopus to laugh? A: Ten Tickles.

What do cows read at the breakfast table? The moospaper.

Penguins are just panda chickens

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!"

If I were a dog would you help me bury my bone?

What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig? (A teddy boar!)

Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He stands in the center of the bar, takes the dog by the chain, and starts swinging him above his head. Everyone stops and stares. Upset about the way the animal is being treated, a patron runs up to the blind man and demands, "What the hell are you doing?" The blind man turns toward the patron and says, "Oh, nothing, just looking around."

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

Did you hear about the overweight man who took up horse riding as exercise? The horse lost 15 pounds in a week!

After leaving a bar, two gay guys saw a dog urinate on a fire hydrant. When the dog finished, he began licking himself. "Boy, I sure wish I could do that!" one guy said to the other. "Well, go ahead. He doesn't look too vicious." was the reply.

What are cows favorite party games? MOO-sical chairs.

Kerry the tomcat was scampering all over the neighborhood - down alleys, up fire escapes, into cellars. A disturbed neighbor knocked on the owner’s door and said, “Your cat is rushing about like mad.” “I know,” the man conceded. “Kerry’s just been neutered, and he’s running around canceling engagements.” - Larry Wilde - Library of Laughter

Redhead: "You ever smelled moth balls?" Blonde: "Yes, I think they smell good." Redhead: "Wow, I can't believe you got your nose between those tiny legs."

Q: Why is it dangerous to go in the jungle after 5 p.m? A: Because elephants jump out of trees after 5 p.m. Q: Why do beavers have flat tails? A: Because they go in the jungle after 5 p.m

What's a moo hoo for a tug-of-war between two longhorns? A bull pull.

A husband and wife are eating soup. The wife spills soup all over her and says: "Oh no, I look like a pig" "Yes and you also have soup all over you!"