Jokes

A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The guy replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods." The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?" The guy says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it." A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane?" A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!" The bartender yells, "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar. The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. He tells to the shepherd: "I will bet you 100 € against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over; it’s a big flock so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I’m a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away. "Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank" says the shepherd. "You are exactly right!" responds the man, "but tell me, how did you deduce that?" "Well," says the shepherd, "put down the dog and I will tell you."

Cow: "Why don't you shoo those flies?" Bull: "I ll let them go barefoot!"

Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving? They couldn't get the moose in the oven!

Go to the animal centre for a dog, and you’re a saint. Go to the woman’s shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind!

‘Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.’

Q: What's the difference between Yo' Mama and a walrus? A: One has whiskers and smells of fish; the other one's a walrus.

Morris the matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her. “I’m ashamed to bring this up,” he said, “but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants,” he says, “a sample.” The woman was shocked. “Such a thing you ask a virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman. ” The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, Morris said, “He’s a business man. He buys goods in the market and he sells goods. By him, it’s not a big deal… a sample.” She thought a minute. “He’s a business man? So tell him I don’t give samples. If he wants, I can give him 50 or 60 references.”

A lady boards the bus with her baby. The bus driver looks at the baby and says "that's the ugliest thing I've ever seen!" The lady finds a seat and she is mad as hell. She tells the guy in the seat next to her what the mean bus driver said. The guy tells the lady " 'That was really mean! Go up to the bus driver right now and tell him off. I'll be happy to hold your monkey for you".

Why the chicken cross the road? To look for his cock.

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady. Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. "NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised." Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock. "Just for that, I'm not going."

The male bull elephant is a solitary creature, only joining the herd for mating and courtship.' That's a direct quote from the Discovery Channel. So other than that, he's over here eating, sleeping and pooping, and the rest of the herd is fine with that. You understand? They're not making him go to a Home Depot on a Saturday to get a hinge for a cabinet that's been broken for a year and a half because your brother-in-law's an a**hole.

Q: Why did the duck go to jail? A: Because he got caught selling quack.

The following conversation took place between a husband and wife. Husband: Hi babe I’ve got you some Asperin for your headache. Wife: I don’t have a headache. Husband: Aha, *takes pants off*

Why do cows think cooks are mean? They whip cream!

Q: Why shouldn't you have a gay monkey and a gay squirrel in the same tree? A: Because the monkey will go bananas over the squirrel's nuts.

Why did the bumble bee have sticky fur? Because he used a honey comb.

Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? A: Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

Q: Where does a bee pee? A: At the BP station.

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and starts to sink. He entreats the chicken to get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer can't be found. So, he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole, ties some rope around the bumper and pulls the horse to safety. A few days later, the chicken and the horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to get help from the farmer. The horse says, "Wait, I think I can stand over the hole!" So, he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab my penis and pull yourself up." The chicken does and pulls himself to safety. The moral of the story: if you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

I NEED ONE OF THESE! A bachelor goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. (Well not everything; our bachelor isn’t into bestiality.) The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, “Come on, a dog?” The owner says, “How about a cat?” The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!” The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!” The man says, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.” He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.” Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it’s immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He’s absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.” Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!” Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.” The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later… no centipede. 20 minutes later… no centipede. 30 minutes later… no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what’s going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later… still no centipede! He can’t imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede? So he goes to the front door, opens it … and there’s the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, “Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What’s the matter?!” The centipede says, “I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just puttin’ on my shoes!”

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and “in heat’, agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog while the neighbor’s were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw..” “Do you think that will work?” she asked. “Just worked on me,” he replied.

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. "How do you breathe through something so small?"

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A: Wings.

Chuck Norris can make a turtle go faster.

Here's a quiz for you! A man drops a brick from a plane which had 500 bricks. How many are left? If you got 500, you're correct. How do you put an elephant in a large fridge? There are 3 steps. If you got these steps, then you are correct: 1. Open the door 2. Put the elephant in the fridge 3. Close the door Now, how do you put a ZEBRA in a fridge? If you got these steps, then you are correct: 1. Open the door 2. Take out the elephant 3. Put the zebra in 4. Close the door All species of animal (except humans) were at a gathering. However, one species had a missing animal. What was it? The correct answer is zebra, because it's in the fridge! A woman needs to cross a river to get to her house. A sign next to the river reads, "DANGER: Alligators! Use boat with caution." The woman swims across the river, and doesn't get injured. Why? The answer is that the alligators were at the gathering. After the woman gets on the other side, she dies. Why? The answer is that the brick from the plane fell on her head.

Question: What do you get when you cross a shark and a parrot? Answer: a creature that talks your ear off.

What do you get if you cross an owl with a witch? A bird that's ugly but doesn't give a hoot!

How do snails get their shells all shiny? They use snail polish.

What's a rabbits favorite book? Hop on Pop.