Jokes

A paperboy said to a customer one day, "Mr. Smith, I wish I had twenty customers like you." "Gosh, that's nice to hear," said Smith, "but I'm kind of surprised considering I never tip all that well and always pay late." The paperboy said, "I know, but I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is I have one hundred and forty!"

I asked my father-in-law, a crop duster, how his day had gone. "I had just the worst day," he replied. "This morning I was up in my plane dusting a field when I nicked a power line and damaged the wing on the plane. When I got back to the office, my boss chewed me out. Then the guy from the FAA chewed me out. On my way home, I stopped at a bar and was handed a warm beer. So I yelled at the bartender, 'Don't you have any cold beer?!' The bartender said, 'Sorry, but we've been out of electricity all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a power line down the road.'"

An American enters a Swiss bank with a giant, heavy sack in each of his hands. He goes to the teller, brings his face close to the glass and whispers, "I have two million dollars with me. I urgently need to open a secret Swiss bank account!" The Swiss bank teller replies in a normal volume, "Sir, there's no need to whisper. Poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."

A forester often has to consult property owners to determine boundary lines. Walking up a dirt road to question one such individual, a forester encountered signs that read: "No Trespassing", "Beware of Dog", and "Keep Out... This Means You!" Finally arriving at the door, he talked with the congenial, cooperative landowner. When my husband was ready to leave, the man said to him, "Come and see me again sometime. I don't get many visitors up this way."

I have a reputation at work for being a strict boss. One day I was in the break room with another manager. I reached into the refrigerator for my lunch, which was packed in an Ace Hardware paper bag. My co-worker stopped mid-bite and stared at me, looking a little tense. When I pulled my sandwich out of the bag, he sighed in relief. "What's the matter?" I asked him. "Uh, nothing," he replied, "I was beginning to think you really do eat nails for lunch."

A man came in late for work one day for the second time that week. His boss called him into her office and said, “What’s your excuse this time?” He shrugged and said, “My clock didn’t go off and I overslept.” She replied, “You could at least tell me something I haven’t heard before.” He replied, “You are looking lovely today.”

One of my first assignments as a trainee in an auto-body shop was a car needing a new fender and some door repairs. I spent hours doing a perfect job, but when the owner came to pick it up, he wasn't pleased. "What's wrong?" I asked. Pointing to the side of the car, he complained about the paint not matching, uneven gaps between panels, and a host of other problems. He demanded an explanation. "The repairs were to the other side," I noted.

A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change, and then goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!" "Sir, you stepped away from the counter," said the cashier. "We don't make corrections after you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now. That's the policy of this bank." "Well, okay, I understand," answered the customer. "Just thought you'd like to know that you gave me an extra twenty. Bye!"

A young secretary in my office was telling anyone who would listen about what a fun time she had on her vacation. She then asked her boss for two weeks leave in which to get married. "But you just had two weeks off," said the boss. "Why didn't you get married then?" "What, and ruin my vacation?" she whined.

Ralph took a job with a construction to paint lines on Texas Road 82. The first day he painted ten miles. The boss was very impressed. The second day he painted two miles. The boss was a little disappointed. The third day he only painted 500 feet. The boss sat him down and said, "Ralph, how come you paint ten miles the first day, two miles the next day, but only 500 feet today?". Ralph replied, "Well boss, each day I get farther and farther away from the paint can".

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"  2nd Person: "A little. Whats wrong?"  1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."  2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?" 1st Person: "Its a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it."

A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one of the fellows and left it on his desk. "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave." At 7:00 pm, the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove!

My job is in the aerospace industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do. At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense contractor." The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"

(Bickering) Barnes: “Dang it Noble. You said that Bezos guy was a fool for selling clothes, appliances, and all that other stuff along with books!” Noble: “It’s not too late. We can start small. We’ll call ourselves, 'Mississippi'!!!”

There was a sign on the wall for the economic use of the company's copy machine, "Copy & Print in Black & White only, please!" Someone crossed off the word "black" later on.

My husband works in a former supermarket that was remodeled to accommodate professional offices. One day he overheard his receptionist giving directions over the phone. "Remember the old grocery store?" she asked the caller. "Well, you'll find us in the meat department."

A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice. "Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."

Boss: Why your performance has not improved this year? Employee: Because I didn't get good incentives. Boss: Why didn't you get good incentives? Employee: Because my performance has not improved this year???

The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee. "I see you have put 'ASAP' down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you've put 'AMAP' down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?" The applicant replied, "As much as possible!"

A world famous movie star is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his motivational speech to a group of businessmen, when a man walks up to him. "Excuse me, sir, I don't want to bother you, but my name is Steve, and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to see your speech, and it would be a great help to me if, when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, Steve'." The movie star readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the man walks by, deep in conversation with his client. The star comes up and says, "Hello, Steve." Steve replies, "Not now! I'm in a meeting," and keeps walking.

Two actuaries are duck hunting. They see a duck in the air and they both shoot. The first actuary’s shot is 20 feet wide to the left. The second actuary’s shot is 20 feet wide to the right. The actuaries give each other high fives, because on average they shot it.

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a postcard in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this postcard for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't even hold a pen." "Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?" The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing.'?"

I recently got a catalog from a company I wasn't familiar with. Not wanting to be cheated I sent them a letter saying, "With all the fraud and misrepresentation I don't know who to trust. Send me the merchandise and if it's any good I'll send you a check." A week later I got a letter back from the company saying, "We have the same problem you have. Send us a check. If it's any good we'll send you the merchandise."

Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project. As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you. I'm your husband's new secretary." Within a single heartbeat, my wife quietly intoned, "Oh, really? WERE you?"

The plumber is at the door carrying your new kitchen faucet and basin... Let that sink in!

THINGS YOU MAY HEAR JUST BEFORE UNEMPLOYMENT... - I don't know what we'll do without you, but we are going to try! - We told everyone you are leaving because of illness. The truth is I'm sick of you. - It's not that you aren't a responsible worker. In fact, you've been responsible for more disasters than anyone else in the place. - Today I'm going to mix business with pleasure. You're fired! - I've got good news for you. You won't have to worry about being late for work ever again. - Tell me, how long have you been with us not counting tomorrow?

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman calls the office and tells his supervisor the situation. The supervisor says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."

A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem. The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem." The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself." The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship it!"

My neighbor shaves 15-20 times a day... No, he's not crazy... he's just a barber.

I am finally financially set for life... As long as I "go" next Tuesday.