Jokes

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.”

A man in a bar is enjoying his drink when he hears a voice say, "You look great!" He looks around, but there is nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No, really, you look just terrific!" Again he looks around. Nobody. A few minutes pass, and again he hears the voice, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you look absolutely stunning!" At this point the man realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar. "Hey," the man calls to the bartender. "What's with these nuts?" "Oh," the bartender answers, "they're complimentary."

The fellow walked into a bar he had never been in before and ordered a drink. He then asked the bartender if he enjoyed dumb-jock jokes. The beefy attendant leaned over the bar and fixed a withering glare on his customer. "Listen, buddy," he growled. "See those two big guys on the left? They're professional football players. And that huge fellow on your right is a world-class wrestler. That guy in the corner is a champion weight-lifter. And I lettered in three sports at Notre Dame. Now," he continued, "are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your dumb-jock joke here?" "Nah, I guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"

Drunks Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking." They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, sir," the driver replies. "I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks. "Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight." "Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?" "That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch."

String A string walks into a pub and sits at the bar. the bartender looks at the string and says " we don't serve your kind here ". The string getting upset slams his hand on the bar and yells " GIM ME A BEER ". The bartender looks at the string and says " Hey ! We don't serve your kind here ". The string, really upset, slams his hand on the bar, spilling all the beers on the bar, yelling at the top of his string lungs " I SAID GIMME A BEER ". The bartender getting frustrated with the string throws him out of the pub. The upset string, leaving the pub passes a rope. The string turns to the rope and says " Hey, I'll give you five dollars to tie me into a knot and fray the ends ". The rope looks at the string and says " you will give me five dollars to tie you into a knot and fray the ends ". "ya ya " the string says, " I'll give you five dollars to tie me into a knot and fray the ends ". the rope taking the five dollars, ties the string into a knot and frays the ends. The string who is now tied into a knot with the ends frayed, walks back into the pub. The string slams his hand down on the bar and yells " GIMME A BEER ". the bartender looks at the string and says " We don't serve your kind here ". The string getting upset at the bartender, slams his hand on the bar, spilling all the beers on the bar, yelling at the top of his lungs " I SAID GIMME A BEER ". The bartender looks at the string and says " Hey, your that string I threw out of here ". the string yelling back at the top of his lungs " NO I'm a-frayed-knot

Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!" "Oh yeah?" says one drunk. "The box said 2-4 YEARS!"

A grandfather bought a hobby-horse by mail order as a Christmas present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour; however, it took the old man two days to assemble the toy. Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it to the company.

Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name. Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said. "Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."

A grocery store manager chased a shoplifter through dry goods and frozen foods before catching him with a flying tackle in cleaning supplies. That's when the manager noticed that all of the customers in line at the cash registers were staring. "Everything's fine, folks," he assured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express lane with more than ten items."

A man came back to the dealer from whom he bought a new car. “I believe you gave me a guarantee with my car,” he said. “That’s right, sir,” the salesman answered. “We will replace anything that breaks.” “Fine, I need a new garage door.”

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' on the desktop so I wrote down 'click'."

Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in? New employee: Yes, sir. Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

Two weeks after my one-year-old's photo shoot, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a color monitor. The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he spoke so quickly that I couldn't get a word in as he pressed home his sales pitch. Finally, after we'd seen all 20 poses, he asked me which ones I was most interested in. "None," I replied. "This isn't my child."

A woman saw an electrician walking up her drive and rushed to the door. "Why did you come today?" she barked. "You were supposed to repair the doorbell yesterday? I know," the electrician replied. "I rang three times. There was no answer, so I thought you must be out."

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "Excuse me?" the accountant said. "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back." "I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?" "I'll start you at eighty thousand." "Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?" "That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

The after-dinner speaker just didn't have a Stop button. He burbled on and on and on, oblivious to his increasingly restless audience. Finally one of the more drunken diners hurled an empty wine bottle at him. It missed, and hit the Chairman instead. As the Chairman slid slowly to the floor clutching his head, he was heard to murmur, "Hit me again, I can still hear him."

A customer is having a conversation with a bank receptionist. Customer: "I want to have a chat with my financial advisor." Receptionist: "Unfortunately, he is not here." Customer: "I think I saw him through the window." Receptionist: "He may have seen you first."

Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left. When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99." The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope."

As the after dinner speaker gushed on and on, Deacon Miller nodded, and nodded until his head rested on the table cloth. The chairman reached over and bumped him lightly on the head with his gavel. Deacon Miller: "Hit me harder, I can still hear him..."

During a recent session of family court the wife was asked, "Why did you throw the pot of geraniums at your husband?" "Because of the advertising, your honor." "What advertising?" "Say it with flowers."

A ill business owner was discussing with his lawyer a final draft of his last will and testament. "Well," as he was discussing with his lawyer, "I want to put in a clause for my employees. To those that have worked for me for 20 years or longer I want to give and bequeath the amount of $50,000." His Lawyer reminded him that he has not been in business 20 years. The business owner replied, "I know, but it's going to be great advertising!"

A store owner was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up on his left and erected a huge sign which read, "BEST DEALS". He was shocked when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading, "LOWEST PRICES". Panic ensued until he had an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read, "MAIN ENTRANCE".

A woman was talking to a co-worker, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything away, I am always going around the house cleaning up after him." The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'" The first woman asked, "Did it help?" Her co-worker replied, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."

My girlfriend has started calling my hair “the economy”.... She says it's because my hair is showing signs of a recession.

An early visitor to the local donut shop was explaining, "I love to hear the alarm clock go off. I can't understand people who are annoyed. To me it seems to symbol the symbol of our existence itself. It is a sign that a great city is awaking from its deep slumber, that a new day is beginning, that the streets and buildings will soon be filled with surging progressive life. I love the sound of the alarm clock." Another patron replied, "My you are the ambitious one. What line of business are you in?" "I am a night watchman."

Chauffeur: "All this talk about back-seat drivers is a bunch of nothing. I've driven a car for over ten years and have never heard a word from behind. Cabby: "What type car do you drive?" Chauffeur: "A Hearse."

Mr. Smith who was out of work met Mr. Jones at the local coffee shop. Mr. Jones: "I heard you were offered a job and turned it down?" Mr. Smith: "Yes, it was to be the President/CEO of a new communications company. I turned it down as there was no room for advancement."

Landlord: "I want you to pay your rent." Struggling artist: "Let's discuss this. In a few years people will look up at this miserable studio and say, 'Truman Jones, the famous artist, use to work here.'" Landlord: "If you don't pay your rent by tonight, they'll be able to say it tomorrow."

"Armstrong," the boss said, "I happen to know that the reason you didn't come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf." "That's a rotten lie!" Armstrong protested. "And I have the fish to prove it!"