Jokes

Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business? Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.

Do not underestimate your abilities... That is your Boss's job!

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. My wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, as you can see my suit is still damp, ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Gregson's helicopter, landed on top of his skyscraper, and ran over here." "You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

The bank manager noticed the new clerk was not good at counting money and adding up figures. "Where did you get your financial education?" he asked. "Yale," replied the lad. "And what's your name?" barked the manager. "Yim Yohnston," he replied.

John: I hear your having trouble at the office. Fred: Yes! The Director thinks the bookkeeper has been embezzling money. John: What brought him to that conclusion? Fred: The auditor found an account marked "Accounts Deceivable".

At the company water cooler, a man bragged about his children and their world travels. He said, "One son is teaching in Bolivia, another is working in southern Italy, and my daughter is completing a year-long research project in India." One of the co-worker's quipped, "Wow... what is it about you that makes your kids want to get so far away?"

I went for an interview at a big IT company today for the position of Computer Hacking Investigator. The boss asked me, "So, what makes you suitable for this job?" "Well," I replied, "I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this interview!"

The CEO of a large cooperation was giving advice to a junior executive. "I was young, married and out of work," he lectured. "I took the last nickel I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for a dime. The next day I bought two apples, polished them and sold them for ten cents each." "I see," said the junior executive. "You kept reinvesting your money and grew a big business." "No," said the CEO. "Then my wife's father died and left me a fortune."

"I must have the worst job on earth." "Why do you say that?" "I work at the circus as a human cannon ball and I get fired every day."

All my husband wanted was to pay for some batteries, but none of the clerks in the electronics store seemed interested in helping him. "I've got an idea," I said and pulled a tape measure out of my purse. I stepped over to one of the giant plasma-screen TVs and started to measure it. Faster than you can say high definition, a young man came running over. "May I help you?" he asked breathlessly. "Yes," I said. "I'd like to buy these batteries."

Hard to believe, but many of our customers at the bank still don't know how to swipe their card through the ATM card reader. Because of this, my fellow tellers and I often find ourselves having to explain how it's done. One teller complained that she kept getting odd looks every time she explained it. I found out why when I overheard her tell one man, "Strip down, facing me."

Mr. Evans was the Chief Accountant of a large manufacturing company. Every day, on arriving at work, he would unlock the top drawer of his desk, peer at something inside, then close and lock the drawer. He had done this for 25 years. The entire staff was intrigued but no one was game to ask him what was in the drawer. Finally the time came for Mr. Evans to retire. There was a farewell party with speeches and a presentation. As soon as Mr. Evans had left the building some of the staff rushed into his office, unlocked the top drawer and peered in. Taped to the bottom of the drawer was a sheet of paper. It read, "Debits on the left, credits on the right."

"Come on now, a child of five could understand this!" "I'll tell you what, why don't you go fetch me a child of five!"

What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief? An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" A professional thief says, "Sign here please!"

All power corrupts... But what can we do, we need electricity!

Wilma: "Hey Betty, could you please tell me the name of that fancy Hair & Nail Boutique adjacent to the Old Town Graveyard? I need to lookup the phone number." Betty: "Oh, you must mean 'Curl Up & Dye'?"

When a small village decided to buy a new fire truck, the town council met to decide what to do with the old one. Randall, an older man, stood up. "Ah think we should keep the old truck," he said. "We can use it for all them false alarms!"

A great number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called . . . Fairwell Honeychild!

Who sells a product cheaper... a manufacturer or a distributor? The correct answer is: the storehouse security guard!

At a job interview: “Mrs. Lober, what do you consider your greatest weakness?” “Honesty.” “Really? I don’t believe that is a weakness at all.” “And I don’t really care about your stupid opinion.”

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."

Management vs. Solutions... After moving into our new office space, I was given the job of completing an Occupational Health and Safety report about the building. I discovered that the building had been built with no fire exit! If a fire starts at the entrance, the only way out would be to smash through the manager's office window. So I put these comments down and submitted my report to the manager before it got sent to head office. In all seriousness, he added the following comment to the head office about smashing the window: "Please confirm that this is an acceptable option by returning your approval."

When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo: To all employees: If you must drink during you lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid.

An insurance broker, living in Florida, loves ocean fishing and decided to take his boat out for a troll. That morning, he was drifting about ten miles offshore and received a business call on his cell phone. Suddenly, his rod bent double and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool. This salesman was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."

A woman shipped an expensive gift to her best friend. A few days later her best friend replied with a thank you card but forgot to write something on the inside. When her friend brought this to her attention, to escape embarrassment she said, "When I saw how much you spent on that gift... I WAS SPEECHLESS!"

Ten Percent of the people make things happen. Twenty percent of the people participate in what happens. Sixty percent of the people watch things happen. The remaining ten percent sit around confused wondering what happened.

Investing money in the Stock Market is the equivalent of a hair-raising roller coaster ride... You just never know what the final expression is going to be on people's faces until it stops!

Which vehicle is the most likely to be involved in a lawsuit? The Isuzu.

"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you." Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine. I'll take two."

Boss: “The word 'Impossible' does not exist in my dictionary!” Secretary: “Well Sir, maybe you should have checked it first before buying it.”