Jokes

I’m organizing a bird-watching expedition. Do you want to join me? I will be looking for: An Emerald-Throated Dowager, The Bleary-Eyed Hangover, The Gimlet-Eyed Titwatcher, An Extra Marital Lark, A Rosy-Breasted Mattress Thrasher. The Ruffled Spouse The Hairy-Chested NutScratcher, The Bluenosed Killjpy The Pencil-Necked Geek The Exorbitant Gas Bill The Round-Heeled Pushover and the Vested Interest

A cowboy rode up to the saloon, dismounted from his horse, and dusted himself off. He then walked around to the rear of his horse, lifted the tail and kissed it right on the rectum. As the cowboy walked into the saloon, the shocked barkeeper asked, "Did you just kiss your horse's butt?" The cowboy said, "Sure, I've got chapped lips." The stunned barkeep asked if this was an old Indian cure. The cowboy said, "Nope. But, sure as s**t, it keeps me from licking my lips!"

A blind man with an assistance dog was getting ready to cross the street. When the dog took him across he almost got ran over by the traffic and the cars where sliding everywhere to avoid hitting him. When he got to the other side, he took out a treat to give to the dog. A spectator who saw what happened couldn't believe his eyes. He ran over to the blind man and said, "Sir, why are you rewarding that dog, he almost got you killed?" The blind man replied, "I'm trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!"

Q: What did the bird say after his cage fell apart? A: "Cheap, cheap!"

Teacher: "Name five things that contain milk." Pupil: "Butter, cheese, ice cream … and two cows."

What happened to the blind skunk? He fell in love with a fart.

Q: If your donkey bites my rooster's feet off, what do we have? A: Two feet of my cock in your ass.

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion! Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!" On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away. The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant - "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

The wife’s insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it’s cruel we’ve started testing our new products on rabbits. She’s got a point, I suppose…I work in a hammer factory.

What are four hundred rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare line.

A fisherman and his wife had twin sons named Towards and Away. Once the boys were grown, the fisherman took them out to sea to learn the family fishing trade. A week later, the mother saw her husband dock the boat all alone. "Oh no! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried. "We were just one day out to sea, when Towards hooked a great fish. He fought long and hard, but he was pulled over the side and swallowed whole by the fish." "Oh dear, what a huge, horrible fish that must of been!" "Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away."

Two flies on a piece of dog shit. One of them farts, the other says, “Do you mind, I’m having my dinner”.

What kind of bees make milk instead of honey? Boobies.

A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream. They sat down and were about to start when Father Tortoise said, "I think it's going to rain. Junior, will you pop home and fetch my umbrella?" So off went junior for Father's umbrella, but three days later he still hadn't returned. "I think, dear," said Mother Tortoise to Father Tortoise, "that we had better eat junior's ice cream before it melts." And a voice from the door said, "If you do that I won't go."

Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it’s safe to say it was a pretty shit chameleon.

Theres only one thing better than the cutest cat in the world. A Dog.

What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.

Why is manna from heaven like horse hay? Both are food from aloft!

Hard to take women with false eyelashes seriously. It's like watching two tarantulas scream for attention.

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made. The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies: "Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins".

Q. What do frogs do with paper? A. Rip-it!

Q: Why was the farmer arrested at the gym? A: He was destroying his calves.

Student: "Sir, can I ask a question?" Teacher: "Yes!" Student: "How do you put an elephant inside a fridge?" Teacher: "I don't know." Student: "It's easy, you just open the fridge and put it in. I have another question!" Teacher: "Ok, ask." Student: "How to put a donkey inside the fridge?" Teacher: "It's easy, you just open the fridge and put it in." Student: "No sir, You just open the fridge take out the elephant and put it in." Teacher: "Ooh...ok!!" Student: "Let me ask another one. If all the animals went to the lion's birthday party, and one animal went missing which one would it be?" Teacher: "The lion of course! Because it wud eat all the animals." Student: "No sir, it is the donkey becoz it's still inside the fridge." Teacher: "Are you kidding me?" Student: "No sir, 1 last question." Teacher: "Ok!" Student: "If there's a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to cross, how would you?" Teacher: "There's no way, I would need a boat to cross." Student: "No sir, you just swim and cross it because all the animals went to the lion's birthday party..." Teacher: "I have my own question, if all the students come to school except one person, who is the person..." Student: "No idea sir..." Teacher: "It's you because you are on two weeks suspension."

If it walks like a duck, talks lidek a duck, and smell like a duck but Chuck Norris says it's a girrafe. It's a damn girrafe!

Q: What is the clumsiest insect? A: The bumbling bee.

Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, and he says, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog."

Q:Where do you find giant snails? A:On the ends of their fingers.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

What do you call an affectionate rabbit? A tender, loving hare.

A wise dog once told me: "Life is like a box of chocolates... it kills you."