Jokes

Q: What do dolphins have that no other mammals have? A: Baby dolphins.

What drug was the duck on? Qwack!

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and order a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for Panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Two cows in a field. Which one is on holiday? The one with the week cave.

Why was the horse all charged up? It ate some haywire!

You momma is so big that I still remember the day I was looking at the news and all animal rescuers were trying to return that "blue whale" that was sleep on the sand back in to the ocean.

What do cows like to do at amoosement parks? Ride on the roller cowster.

Can’t believe how awesome my new pet goldfish is. Just found out that if you put it on the carpet it can actually do break dancing.

What do you call a monkey in a mine field ? A Baboom

What did the blonde call her pet zebra? Spot.

A rabbit went to the fortune-teller, “what do you see in my future?” asked the rabbit. “Very soon,” replied the fortune-teller, “you will meet a pretty young girl who will want to know everything about you.” “That’s great!” said the rabbit, hopping up and down. “But when will I meet her?” “Next week in science class,” said the fortune-teller.

Q: What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole? A: A 30-foot cock that helps you reach out and touch someone.

As autumn approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the migration trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were each carrying two dead raccoons. “Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?” she asked. “No, thanks,” replied the vultures. “We will take the raccoons on board.” “You will have to check two of the raccoons as baggage,” the attendant replied. “You are only permitted one carrion per passenger.”

Mating call of a seagull: “Twert Twert!” Mating call of an owl: “Twoo Twooo!” Mating call of a blackbird: “Stick it up my ass Winston!”

How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.

Teacher: Students, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing? Class: "Brotherly love."

What's a pigs favorite karate move? A pork chop!

What's at the end of Moby Dick? A whale of a time.

Q: why did the cow cross the road? A: So he could pass the milkyway.

Why did the frog cross the street? Because the chicken crossed the road.

What's the definition of a nervous breakdown? A chameleon on a tartan rug.

There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved, and he followed her everywhere. One morning she woke up, went to the bathroom, came out, and realized that her dog wasn't at her feet. She found him in his bed ''sleeping''. She called his name, but he didn't get up. So she took him to the vet and told the vet that her dog wouldn't wake up. So he looked at her dog and said, ''Your dog is dead''. She asked the doctor to perform another test to be sure. The doctor went into another room, and came back with a cage. In it there was a cat. He let the cat out, and she walked arund the dog, sniffed, and went back in her cage. The doc put the cat back in the other room. He came out and said again, ''Your dog is dead''. She was like ''Ok, how much do I owe you?'' The doctor said ''$300'' She said, ''What!?!? How could it cost that much??'' He said ''$15 for me to say he was dead. Then $285 for the cat scan''

Q: What side of the cow gives the most milk? A: The utter side.

Q: What does an elephant use as tampon? A: A sheep.

What do you call a poodle with no legs? A sponge.

Psychiatrist: "What’s your problem?" Patient: "I think I’m a chicken." Psychiatrist: "How long has this been going on?" Patient: "Ever since I was an egg!"

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

What happened to the frog's car when his parking meter expired? It got toad!!

I might vote for Bush. I'm confused. My dog is not confused; he sees a bush, he knows exactly what to do.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.