Jokes

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 100? Because when she gets to 69 she has a frog in her throat.

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here." "You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk." "Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks. "The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?" "Roof!" "Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?" "Bark!" "And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" "I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in twenties." The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you." As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?"

A hippopotamus walks into a pub and asks the bartender for a pint of Guinness. “That will be £7.50 please,” says the barman. The hippo pays and starts to sip his beer. “You know, we don”t very many hippos in here,” says the bartender. The hippo replies: “At £7.50 a pint it”s no wonder!”

What's the most poular Christmas carol in the desert? Oh caaamel ye faithful.

A man is attending a function in another village, riding a horse. As he is about to go, he notices that his horse is missing. He shouts, asking for his horse, but nobody seems to know where it is. "If I don't find my horse, I will do exactly what I did when I lost my first horse!" Suddenly, the horse appears. Out of curiosity, a man goes up to him and asks, "What did you do when you lost your first horse?" He replies, "I walked."

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms. The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?'' ''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''

Went to a petting zoo last week with only 1 dog . It was a shitzu,

What's the difference between a regular toad and a horny toad? One says, ''Rib-it, rib-it,'' while the other says, ''Rub-it, rub-it.''

Is that shirt (those pants) mad of camel skin? (No, why?) Cause I noticed the humps!

A blonde bought some goldfish, but she did not know how to feed them. She called her brunette friend for help. Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, ''Now, what do I give them to drink?''

She is so blonde, she thinks a thesaurus is a dinosaur.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

What did the farmer get when he crossed a centipede with a Turkey? 100 Drumsticks.

Q: If there's H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside? A: K9P.

How should you treat a baby goat? Like a kid.

It was cold and pouring with rain but the boy’s mother insisted he go and feed the animals on their freeholding before he could have breakfast. The boy went out in a dark rage, kicked the chickens, punched the cow and threw water all over the pigs. When he got back inside his mother was furious. “How dare you!” she fumed. “For that you get no eggs because you kicked the chickens, no milk because you thumped the cow and no bacon because of the way you treated the pigs.” Just then, dad came down the stairs and nearly tripping over the cat, he gave the animal a mighty kick. The boy turned to his mother and said, “Are you going to tell him or shall I

What do you call a rabbit that plays with foxes? A dumb bunny.

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, “Where were you during the first half?” He replied “Putting on my shoes!”.

Just made a new website for orphans, there’s no homepage.

If Snapchat has taught me anything it's that a lot of you females look better as farm animals.

Q: How do you give a dog a bone? A: Tickle his balls.

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?" "A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here." Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

Why do people in vermont were kilts? Sheep can hear zippers from a mile away.

Why was the young kangaroo thrown out by his mother? For smoking in bed.

Q; What do cows do for fun? A: They go to the moo-vies!

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

How does a blonde try to kill a fish? She drowns it!!

Q: What kind of fish does a dog catch? A: Catfish.

A religious woman buys a parrot and takes it home. As soon as she gets the bird in its new cage, it starts hollering, "I'm a whore! I'm a whore!" The lady is embarrassed and asks her minister if she should return the foul-mouthed bird. The minister suggests, "I have a well-behaved male parrot who sits in its cage and prays all day long. Perhaps if we put your bird in with mine, your bird will see the error of its ways and become more pious." The next day, the woman takes her parrot to the minister's house and puts her bird in with the praying parrot. After a few seconds, her parrot starts saying, "I'm a whore! I'm a whore!" The priest's parrot replies, "Come on in honey, that's what I've been praying for!"

Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, about half hour later they were both killed by a train.