Jokes

A quiet, little man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sits there sipping his beer and minding his own business. All of a sudden, a big guy walks up to him and knocks him out cold and says to the barkeep, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a right-hook from Big Mike Finnigan." A week later the little man shows up at the same bar and orders a beer. He again, sits there sipping his beer and minding his own business. The same big guy walks up to him, and the little guy knocks him out cold. As he leaves the bar, the little guy says to the barkeep, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

Guy walks into bar, pulling on a long chain. The bartender asks him, "You come in here everyday pulling that chain, why?" The guy replies, "You ever tried to push one?"

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says, "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

A man walks into a bar, already drunk, and asks for a drink. "Sorry," the bartender says, "but you obviously already had a little too much to drink." Fuming mad the man staggers out the front door and walks back in through the side door. “Can I have a drink please?” “Sorry,” the bartender says, “but you can’t have a drink here.” The man staggers out again and then stumbles his way back in through the back door. “Can I please have a drink?” “Enough!” the bartender screamed. “I told you, no drinks!” The man looks at the bartender closely and exclaims “Geez! How many bars do you work at?!"

Q: Why do people love drinking Guinness? A : It's a meal in a can!

A Roman walks up to a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers please."

Two men walk into a bar. The first guy says he wants some H2O. The second guy says he wants some H2O too. The second guy died.

Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours and i will go to mine.

Husband comes home drunk and breaks some crockery, vomits, and falls down on the floor. Wife pulls him up and cleans everything. Next day when he gets up, he expects her to be really angry with him. He prays that they would not have a fight. He finds a note near the table: “Honey... your favorite breakfast is ready on the table. I had to leave early to buy groceries. I’ll come running back to you soon my love. I love you.” Still surprised, he asks his son, "What happened last night?" Son replies, “When mom pulled you to bed and tried removing your boots and shirt, you were dead drunk and you said… 'HEY LADY! LEAVE ME ALONE! I’M MARRIED!'”

A Texan walks in to a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. Ill give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me asking, where did you go for those 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant  after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night. He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight. He took it outside and started smashing  the empty bottles one by one against a wall. He smashed the first bottle swearing, "You are the reason I fight with  my wife!" He smashed the second bottle, "You are the reason I don't love my children!" He smashed the third bottle, "You are the reason I don't have a decent job!" When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full. He hesitated for only a moment and then said, "You stand aside, I know you were not involved." Men will be men.  

A virile, young Italian soldier was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular Scandinavian-looking young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they made love. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, the young man reached out for her and the love making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there were screams of passion. The love making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and asks, "OK, now you finish?" And once again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly purrs, "No." Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously -- screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiling proudly, and says, "Now you finish!" "No!" she shouts back, "I Swedish!"

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A toothless termite goes to the local tavern and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

A fella walks into a bar... Unfortunately, there is a pile of dog poop just inside the door, and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself up and walks to the bar and buys a drink. Another man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of poop, falls, gets up, cleans up and buys a drink. The first guy turns to the new guy and, trying to strike up a conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did that." The big guy punches him in the mouth.

This man walks into the bar with jumper cables wrapped around his neck. The bartender says, "Sir, I'll serve you, as long as you don't start anything!"

Paddy and Michael were late getting home from the Pub and decided to take a shortcut through the Parish graveyard. "Bejabbers" said Paddy, when stumbling over a marker, "Cassandra, 97, From Cork. She was a ripe old age!" Michael chimed in: "Well, may the Saints preserve us, this stone reads: 'Miles, 122, from Dublin!"

There's this man in the bar and he says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $500 that if you line up five empty beer mugs that I would be able to pee in all of them without any mess." The bartender accepts the bet. Next thing you know the bartender lined up five empty beer mugs. The man drops his drawers and starts to pee everywhere except in the five empty beer mugs. The bartender laughs as the guy pays him the $500. A woman sees all of this happening and asks the guy, "How come you're not sad about losing $500?" The guy told her, "It is because I had bet the bouncer $2,000 that I would pee all over the bar and have the bartender laugh about it."

Shamus O'Connor had just closed down Patty Murphy's Pub and was ambulating his way slowly to the underground subway. Suddenly he was confronted by a huge sign which read: "WARNING! Dogs must be carried on the escalator - Absolutely NO EXCEPTIONS!" Shamus bemoaned: "Bejabbers, and, pray tell, just where is a bloke to be findin' a dog at this unholy hour?"

Three strings were standing outside of a bar, a bar that doesn't serve strings... One string says to the other two strings: "I'm sure I can get served" and enters the bar, he walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a drink, the bartender looks up and asks: "Aren't you a string"? and the string replies: "yes". The bartender then says: "I'm sorry but we don't serve strings in this bar" ...so the string ducks his head and leaves the bar. The other two strings waiting outside immediately asked what happened, the string tells them he didn't get served and wants to leave, the second string says: "I'm pretty certain I can get served, you just have to act cool", so he enters the bar, starts jamming to the music and dances up to the bar and says: "Bartender, give a cold brewsky"! The bartender looks up at him, sees he's a string and says: "sorry but we don't serve strings in this bar" ...so the string ducks his head and leaves the bar. He tells the other two strings waiting outside that he couldn't get served and he too wants to go home... the third string who's certain he has what it takes to get served says: "You just have to act like you've been here before" and quickly goes inside... The third string getting real loud as he works his way through the bar says: "hey Bob, hey Jill, good seeing you! Wow was the band ever rockin' last night, boy was I wasted!... Yo' bartender!!, give me the usual Jack-n-Coke!!!" The bartender looks up at him, sees he's a string and says: "Sorry pal but we don't serve strings in this bar" ...instantly the third string turns and ducks his head toward the door when he suddenly gets this bright idea, he quickly ties himself in a knot, messes up his hair, walks back up to bar and says: "Bartender give me that drink!" ...the bartender looks up at him and says: "Hey! Aren't you a string?" and the string says: "No!, I'm a frayed knot!"

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either!"

A millionaire, a hard hat, and an old drunk are at a bar. When they get their beers, they notice a fly in each mug. The millionaire politely asks the bartender for another beer, then proceeds to sip it. The hard hat spills out just enough to get rid of the fly and quaffs the rest. It's now the old drunk's turn. He sticks his hand into the beer, grabs the fly by the wings, and shouts, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from various social sessions over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea. Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure exactly where I got it.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off". "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked. "Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

A man walks into a bar... ...ended up getting twenty stitches on his forehead.

A man walks into a bar and sees a Polish guy, a female blonde, and a priest The guy says to the bartender, "What is this? Some kind of joke?

A city feller was out driving in the mountains when around a curve a large mountain man stepped out and flagged him down. The city feller stopped, the mountain man got in and pulled a jar out of his coat pocket and said here take a pull out of this. The city feller said no thanks. The mountain man said no go ahead take a swig. The city feller again refused and said no I'm good. The mountain man now quite sternly demanded, I said take a drink, when the city feller once more refused the mountain man pulled a large horse pistol out of his pocket, pointed it at the city feller and roared, I said take a drink. The city feller said alright hand her here. He proceeded to take a healthy swig and for about 5 minutes he couldn't breathe, hear or see. When he finally got his wits about him, he asked the mountain man, how you can drink that stuff anyhow? The mountain man replied, I can't hardly, now you hold the gun on me and make me take a drink.

What is the difference between a good beer and a woman: 1. A good beer never goes flat. 2. A good beer never commits when between your legs. 3. A good beer never complains when you’ve had better. 4. A good beer doesn’t try to kill you when you tell it its too big. 5. You never have to impress a good beer, it loves you no matter what.

So I'm sitting in a bar across from two very large women and I say, "Cool accents are you two from Scotland?" One yells back, "IT's WALES YOU IDIOT!" I say, "Ok so you are two whales from Scotland?" I don't remember much after that