Jokes

A man walks into a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8. "But I already paid you. Don't you remember? Says the customer. "OK," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, then I suppose you did." The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "OK, If you say you paid, than I suppose you did." The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs. The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the face" The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my bill and ill be on my way."

An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”

Friend: Dude! You were so drunk last night! Man: No I wasn't. Friend: Oh really, you put my dog in a pillowcase and said "It's a pillow, It's a pet, it's a pillow pet!" Man: It was a pet in a pillowcase! Friend: It was a trash can. Man: ...

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy, and one of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday. In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment. The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

One evening I was in a bar talking to my friend. "Last night, while I was out drinking, a burglar broke into my house.." "Did he get anything?" asked my friend. "Yes," I said. "A broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs. My wife thought it was me coming home drunk!"

One evening I was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to me and asked me for two dollars. First I asked him, "Will you buy booze?" The bum replied, "No." Then I asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." After giving the bum the two dollars that he had asked for, I asked the bum, "Now, will you come home with me, so that my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

A man walks into a bar. He gets very drunk and asks the bartender where the restroom is. The bartender explains it's the third door to the right, but the man goes into the third door to the left. He finds a large golden toilet. The man takes a big poop in it and leaves. He continues to return to drink there every week, and every time he goes to poop in that golden toilet. One day he finds the golden toilet is gone, so he asks the bartender about it. The bartender exclaims, "So you're the one who's been pooping in my tuba!"

A charity worker knocked on Mrs Smiths door and said " Hello, I'm collecting for a home for drunkards. Can you donate anything?". "Yes" replied Mrs Smith "If you come back after closing time you can have my husband".

Two men are sitting in a restaurant bar at the top of a skyscraper. After each had a few drinks, one says to the other, ”I bet you didn’t know about the updrafts between these skyscrapers. They are so strong, you could jump and the wind will lift you right back where you started.” The other guy said, “Nah, I find that hard to believe.” The first said, “It’s true! I’ll prove it. Let’s go out to the balcony.” They both walk to the balcony and the first guy jumps the rail. After a few seconds, a loud whooshing sound is heard and sure enough, the first guy lands back on the balcony. The second guy just stares for a while, then looks over the side to see if there was a platform or net. “This has to be some kind of trick.” The first guy says, “No really, it works!” To prove it, he once again jumps the rail and the same thing happens. “You try it!” The second guy jumps over the rail and falls the many stories to the pavement below. The first guy goes back in a sits at the bar. The bartender walks over, delivers another drink and says, “Wow! You’re really mean when you get drunk, Superman!”

This guy was drinking at the bar counter. Every time he took a drink he would pull something from his pocket and look at it. Eventually the curiosity of the bartender got the better of him and he asked the guy what he is looking at. He replied: I’ve got a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she begins to look good I know I have had enough.

The Lone Ranger rides into town during the hottest part of summer. He stops outside a saloon and tells Tonto to run in circles around silver, waving his poncho to keep a nice breeze on the horse while he goes in for a drink. A couple of minutes later, a man dressed in black swaggers into the bar and says, "You the Lone Ranger?" "Yes I am" the Lone Ranger replies. "Well", says the man in black, "Did ya know ya left your injun runnin?"

A guy is at a bar, staring at his drink. Then a big truck driver comes up, takes the drink and chugs it down. The poor man starts crying. The trucker says, "I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying." ... "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to work, so my boss fires me. When I leave, I discover my car was stolen. I get a cab to return home and realize I left my wallet in the cab. I go home and find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave, come to this bar and just as I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Two men are sitting at a bar when one of the men stops drinking and says "MY WIFE IS AN ABSOLUTE ANGEL". The other man turns to him an says " YOUR LUCKY MINE'S STILL ALIVE"

Do you know why women in Milwaukee, Wisconsin won't drink beer on the beach? They don't want to get sand in their Schlitz.

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern."Paddy," he said, " I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day.""Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"

What is brown and sticky? A stick.

A horse goes into a bar and the barman says how can I help, the horse says a bottle of beer please and the barman says "why the long face" ? ;-)

The other day i was in the pub when the waitress approaches me to take my order,I noticed she had two black eyesshe asks 'what would you like to order?'I replied with what i wanted to eat, making sure to speak very clearly and loudly because it was obvious she wasn't a great listener!

A visitor comes into a Maryborough pub with a tame crocodile at his heels and ordered a drink. The locals looked at the crocodile and it suddenly went up to someone's hat, which was sitting on a chair, and chewed it to shreds. The hat's owner shouted at the visitor, "Hey look at what your crocodile has done to my hat." The visitor replied, "That's too bad!" The hat owner got angry and said, "I don't like your attitude!" The visitor replied, "It's not my (h)at (h)e chewed - it's your hat he chewed!"

I called into my local pub to find O"Reily nursing a black eye, and looking very sorry for himself. "so what happened to yourself O'Reily?" "well, today's Monday, yesterday was Sunday and I was in church. We stood to sing the hymns when I noticed that mrs. Magilicuddy who was stood in front of me, had her lovely sunday frock stuck in her cheeks, so I reached over and pulled it back out. well she swung around and belted me with her handbag!" " Ah bad luck O'Reily, you being such a gentleman and all" The very next week I called into the pub again to find O'Reily battered and bruised all over! " What happened to yourself O'Reily?" "Well today's Monday, yesterday was Sunday And I was in church with Shamus, we stood to sing the hymns and mrs. Magilicuddy had her sunday frock all jammed up so Shamus pulled it out for her.Now I knew she doesnt like that so I quickly tucked it back in!

A man walks into a bar with a Newt on his shoulder. Barman: What's that ? Man: It's a Newt. Barman: What do you call him ? Man: Tiny. Barman: Why Man: Because he's my newt.

A man in a bar visited the men's room, leaving his drink on the bar. On his return he found that someone had drunk it. The next time he left a notice beside his drink. “I spat in this”. On his return he found written underneath. So did I.

Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was quite tense.

A fellow was telling his buddies that in the evenings, he goes out and drinks and carries on with women,but always goes back home by 8:00 O'clock. He describes it as "sin till 8 ting"

A man walks into a bar, and tells the bartender to pour him a 12 year old single malt scotch "before the trouble starts." The bartender pours his drink and quietly moves away. After finishing his drink, the man calls the bartender back and tells him "pour me a 15 year old scotch before the trouble starts." The bartender thinks this is very strange but pours him the 15 year old scotch. After finishing that drink, the man tells the bartender to pour him an 18 year old scotch "before the trouble starts." The bartender is becoming a little worried, but pours him the 18 year old scotch. Before the man finishes his 18 year old scotch, the bartender finally gets up the nerve to ask: "Say friend, when this trouble is going to start?" To which the man replies: "The trouble starts, when you find out that I don't have any money."

A doctor worked on the tenth floor of an office building. In the building was a pub, where the doctor had a lemon daiquiri, every day at quitting time. The bartender's name was Dick. One dyadic found out he didn't have any lemons and no time to get any. So he thought he would make up a hickory daiquiri instead and at the end of the day, the doctor would be too tired to notice. The doctor sat down, took a sip and said "This isn't a lemon daiquiri, Dick!"...To which Dick replied, "No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!"

A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other; “Nine.” Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten. “Sorry to spoil your evening,” said his friend, “but when I walked in they were speaking German”

A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender pulls out a shotgun and fires a shot, barely missing the man's head. The man gets up, says thank you, and leaves a tip. Why the tip and thank you; “because the man had the hiccups.”

A guy walks into a bar. He says to the bartender "I'd like a Whiskey Sour." The bartender replies "How do you make that?" The guy says "You put in whiskey to make it strong, water to make it weak, lemon to make it sour and sugar to make it sweat. You mix it all together and you say 'Here's to you' and then you drink it yourself." The bartender says "That's not a drink! That's a contradiction!"

Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here. The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch. "So what was that for?" he asked. "Control your speed next time, you almost killed us!"