Jokes

Once, in a bar, one guy leaned over and said to the guy sitting next to him, "I slept with your mom last night." The whole bar turned to see what would happen next. After a while, the guy laughs and says, "Let's go home, Dad, you are drunk."

Sign in front of my local watering hole: FROG PARKING ONLY! All others will be TOAD.

Shirley Temple walks into a bar. "What'll it be, little lady?" asks the bartender. Replies Shirley, "I'll have a Me!"

At 2:15 AM a man was pulled over by the police for having a burned out tail light. The officer discovered that a dog was sitting behind the steering wheel the car and the man sitting next to him had obviously been drinking. The officer said, "What is going on here and why is a dog in the driver’s seat?" The man replied, "I really don't know officer, I guess he took my keys."

The drunk asked the bartender, "Do your lemons have legs?" "No," said the bartender, "why do you ask?" The drunk replied, "I think I just squeezed your canary into my drink."

Amos had been drinking with his friend Joe for most of the evening when he finally said, "I need to go home and face the music, my wife will be up and waiting for me." Joe said, "Listen, I have a cure for the angry wife waiting for me after a late night. No more sneaking up the stairs with my shoes off. I drive into the yard and screech the brakes. Then I slam the door and stomp up the stairs to the bedroom where I enter and say your stud puppy is home." Amos replies, "What does she do then?" "Why nothing. She just curls up on her side of the bed and pretends to be asleep."

An Irishman had just walked into a bar when he tripped over and fell. He got up and said, "Guess I can call it a day."

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I find a HAPPY HOUR somewhere... By the time I leave, I LOOK JUST FINE!

Joe and Mark, two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and refreshments. At the end of the party, they both went outside. Joe crossed the street, while Mark wandered into a subway entrance. When Joe came back, he noticed Mark emerging from the subway stairs. "Where did you go?" Joe asked enthusiastically. "I don't know," gushed Mark, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Leave this pub right now!" He then approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then leave now as well," said the priest. Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father." The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

I could never trust a camel... or anyone else who can go for a week without a drink!

Alcohol is an absolute necessity, because NO great story has ever begun with someone eating a salad!

The perfect martini starts with pouring gin, vermouth, and olives into the trash where they belong. DRINK WHISKEY!!!

Sign outside the pub: Come in and meet your future ex-wife!

That new bar down the street is running a GREAT special... Buy one beer for the price of two and receive a second beer absolutely FREE!

An organ grinder and a monkey enter a tavern and take a couple seats at the bar. "Give me a shot of whiskey!" said the organ grinder to the bartender. "I'll have the same," said the monkey. The bartender looks in astonishment as he pours the drinks. "What's the special here?" the organ grinder asks. "Yeah," the monkey chimes in. "We're starving." "O.K.," says the bartender. "What's going on here? You're a monkey. You can't talk!" "I sure can! Not only can I talk, but I'm also a ventriloquist!"

A guy meets an attractive woman at a bar. After a few drinks he invites her over to his place. She answers by saying it depends on what they'll be riding in on the way over there. He says, "I’ll give you a few hints. The chauffeur drives, the vehicle costs over $300 thousand dollars, and I’d like to surprise you with the rest of details should you decide to accept my invitation." She happily accepted and he led her outside. She reacts, "Hey wait a minute! we’re at the bus stop!" "Surprise!"

What do you call a flea in a bar? A bar-hopper!

A ham and cheese sandwich walks into bar and asks for a drink. Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

A good old boy at the bar is always telling life stories. The time he spent five years here and ten years there. He’s been to many remote places like the Amazon living with natives and such. He’s been telling stories like this for years and the more he drinks the better the stories become! I was curious as to how much time this amazing man has spent living a life others would only dream of. After adding it up, I have to admit he sure looks good for a man who has to be at least 130 years old.

While traveling north to downtown I noticed police were stopping cars going south for sobriety checks. At the end of the night, after one too many drinks, I headed home going south and took the bus which the police waved right through. The next morning my neighbor called me and asked, "What is that BUS doing in your driveway?"

A man left the bar late one night after one too many drinks. He decided to walk home taking a shortcut through the grave yard. He fell into an open grave but failed to escape after many attempts. What the man didn’t see was another guy from the bar who had previously fallen in and was curled up asleep at the other end of the grave. The guy woke up and said, “You’ll never make it out of here.” Low and behold he made it out in one leap!

A penguin walks into a bar. He goes to the counter and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" Bartender replies, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

At the local machine shop, Jim was a long time employee who took a new kid under his wing. Ryan, the new hire, was 20 years younger than Jim. He appreciated Jim's help in teaching him the ins and outs of working in a machine shop. They became fast friends, and after a few days decided to hit the local pub together for lunch. They picked a table near the bar, and while they were waiting for their drinks, Ryan noticed an ornery looking guy at the end of the bar staring at him. "Wonder what that guys problem is," Ryan said to Jim. "His name is Vic. A mean son of a gun if you've ever seen one. He's about your age, and I've known him pretty much his whole life. Always looking for trouble." Sensing that they were talking about him, Vic called over to Ryan, "You talking to me?" Ryan said to Jim, "I think he's looking for a fight. What should I do?" "Well," said Jim, "when I was your age, I was about your size. Twenty years ago I could've whooped him." "If you say so!" Ryan gets up and walks toward Vic. As he approached him, Vic hauls off and bam! Vic Knocked Ryan out cold. As Vic was being escorted out of the bar by bouncers, Ryan was coming to at the table where Jim was applying a cold compress to his jaw. "I thought you told me 20 years ago you could've whooped him," Ryan said. "I sure could have," Bill replied. "But 20 years ago, Vic would have been 10!"

A ditzy girl was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink. A dozen times the olive eluded her. Finally, another patron, who had been watching intently from the next stool, became exasperated and grabbed the toothpick. "Here, this is how you do it," he said, as he easily skewered the olive. "Big deal," she muttered. "I already had him so tired out, he couldn't get away."

“Poor Old fool,” thought the gentleman as he watched an old man trying to fish in a puddle of water outside of the bar. He decided to invite the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught so far?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth today.”

I was drinking a margarita when a guy stood up and asked, "Does anyone here know CPR?" Someone else stood up and said, "Yeah, I know the whole alphabet." We all laughed and laughed and laughed... well, except this one guy.

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

Two guys are at a bar, drunk and talking nonsense. MAN 1: I am planning on buying the world. MAN 2: That is crazy and makes no sense what-so-ever, you can't buy the world. MAN 1: Why not? MAN 2: Because, I am not going to sell it to you.

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers." "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"