Jokes

Boss: "Working hard here, Jimmy?" Jimmy: "Ever since I heard you coming down the stairs, boss!"

An explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory. Once all the mess has been cleared up, the inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is brought in to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene, what happened?" "Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up." "He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror. "How long had he been with the company?" "About 20 years, sir." "Twenty years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room. I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done." "Well... it was, sir."

I got fired from my restaurant job. Every time my boss told me to toss a salad, I did. Right in the dumpster. His demands could have been expressed a little more clearly.

Around 3pm every afternoon, I think it's time to put an "OUT OF ORDER" sign on my forehead and call it a day.

Man walks into the barbershop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, "How do you want your haircut?" The man says, " I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top." The barber looks puzzled and says, "I'm not sure I can do that." The customer says, "Why not, you did it that way last time."

One day on his way to work, a man stopped at the cafeteria as it began to rain. Forgetting that he hadn't brought an umbrella, he reached for the nearest one when he got up to leave. "That's my umbrella," a woman immediately scolded. Abashed at his mistake, he left and walked to his office. He was drenched by the time he arrived. Once there, he discovered three umbrellas that he had left in the office over the months, and he decided to bring them home at the end of the day. That afternoon he ran into the same woman who had confronted him earlier. She looked at the umbrellas, then at him, and tartly remarked, "You did real well for yourself today, didn't you?"

Johnny paid his way through college by being a waiter in a restaurant. "What's the usual tip?" asked a customer. "Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great." "Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars." "Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said. "By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer. "Applied psychology."

Customer: Look here, butcher, you are giving me a big piece of bone. With meat as expensive as it is, I don't want all that bone. Butcher: I'm not giving it to you, mister, you're paying for it.

The first five days after the weekend are definitely the hardest!

Yesterday was "Take Your Daughters and Sons to Work Day"... Which basically means today is "Stay Late At Work To Catch Up On All The Things You Couldn't Get Done Because Your Kid Was Bothering You In The Office Day"!

Tarzan comes home pooped and sits on the couch. "Rough day?" asks his wife Jane. He takes a deep breath and then replies, “It's a jungle out there!”

Rules for Work... 1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. 2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke. 3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. 4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs. 5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic. 6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work. 7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion. 8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped. 9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information. 10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them. 11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell. 12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager. 13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

What do you call a person that is Happy on Monday? RETIRED!

Claude, the invisible man, was low on funds and started job prospecting. His employment agency called him into their office with a job opportunity. "I think this would be a great job for you," said the counselor. "A mirror salesman." "I don't know," Claude replied. "I just can't see myself doing that."

Ron and John were building a house. John was on a ladder, nailing. He'd reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over his shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood. Ron couldn't stand it any longer and yelled, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?" John explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me, I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it." Ron replied, "What's wrong with you? Don't throw away the nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house."

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, one older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

My best friend is a real dunce. He just got fired from his job. He told his boss he was too tired to go into work last night. He's a mattress tester!

Boss: Why should I hire you as my business consultant? Applicant: I have credibility because I don't work for your company. No smart person would work here full-time. Boss: I work here full-time Applicant: Sorry. I'll try to speak slower.

Bob: Why aren't you working? Al: The boss and I had a fight, and he won't take back what he said. Bob: What did he say? Al: He said, "You're fired!"

Boss: You were on sick leave yesterday ? Me: Yes Boss: What was the issue ? Me: I was sick of work.

A manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" The first man replied, "A thought. It just pops into your head. There's no warning." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And, now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm, let me see, a blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house, and on the wall, there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture, the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said. Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is Diarrhea." "What!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh sure," said Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already crapped my pants." Bubba is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you!

Ever been told something, but you can't decide if it's a compliment or an insult? Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognize you!”

The beginner's guide to decoding work emails... I have a question = I have 18 questions I’ll look into it = I’ve already forgotten about it I tried my best = I did the bare minimum Happy to discuss further = Don’t ask me about this again No worries = You really messed up this time Take care = This is the last you’ll ever hear from me Cheers = I have no respect for you or myself

One day at home the phone rings and Joe answers it. On the other end is a confused woman who asks, "Who is this?" "This is Joe. With whom did you wish to speak with?" After a pause the woman says, "Did you just say whom?" "Yes, I did." "Then you're definitely not my son!"

The Invisible Man, Dracula, and the Wolfman were all applying for a job. Which one got hired? Certainly not Dracula, he can only work nights. Not the Wolfman, severe grooming problem. Needless to say, the Invisible Man was hired, sight unseen!

I hope when I die, it's early in the morning... So I don't go to work that day for no reason.

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So, they all went to the back fence to check it out. The first contractor took out his tape measure, did some measuring and said, "Well, I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Next was the second contractor. He also took out his tape measure, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Without so much as moving, the third contractor said, "$2,700." The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy doing it for $700."

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO." St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"

Meet Shane, the Greatest Walmart Employee... 1. Shane, Quit offering extended Warranties on the fried chicken----Management 2. Shane, stop asking "Is that your final answer?" and offering to let them phone a friend after each order----Management 3. Shane, Quit putting price tags on the Deli equipment and trying to sell them to customers---Management 4. Shane, stop implying Walmart keeps the "Good Stuff" in the back----Management 5. Shane, I don't know what "Swinecraft" is but ham cannot be sold as a building material---Management 6. Shane, THE DELI IS NOT an appropriate setting to practice your ventriloquism, please stop making puppets out of the paper bags-----Management 7. Shane, STOP putting "Stoner Approved" seals on the fried chicken----Management 8. Shane, STOP putting out samples labeled as "Mystery Meats"----Management 9. Shane, STOP putting "Some assembly required" stickers on the 8-piece chickens----Management 10. Shane, any FREE samples you offer must come from the deli department, not from electronics------ Management

My boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes, Pete." I replied, "I'm working at the moment, Sir, I will send you one later." He replied, "That was fantastic, send me another one."