Jokes

John and I were putting a roof on a barn we were building. We hauled up all the shingles and roofing nails before we began working on the roof. As John brought up the last of the supplies he slipped and accidentally kicked over the ladder. I told him not to worry as someone would surely come by before the day was done. We worked all day on the roof and finished it just before sundown. I told John that since no one had come by to pick up the ladder for us we were going to have to jump down. John said we could jump into the pigpen and the mud would break our fall. Looking down at the mud I asked John how far we would sink into the mud. John said it would come up to about our ankles. With that I jumped and sank into the mud up to my neck. "Hey!" I yelled at John. "I thought you said it would only come up to my ankles?" John replied, "So who told you to jump feet first?"

John and I were putting the siding on a barn we were building. I noticed John would take nails out of his pouch, hammer in a few and throw a few away. I asked him why he was throwing so many nails away. He said he was throwing them away because they had the heads on the wrong end. I shook my head and said, "John! Don't you know anything about carpentry? Those nails are for the other side of the building!"

After football fans in one particular city were treated to a particularly excruciating loss earlier in the season, a man phoned a sports-radio talk-show host to say, “Everyone should call in and give one word for that game.” “What’s your word?” the host replied. “Bored out of my mind,” said the caller.

My boss called me into his office today. “We both know you’re not the brightest spark here, Simon,” he said, “but over the last 5 years you’ve never been sick or late and I think you deserve a reward. So, how does a brand new car sound?” “Vrooom! Vrooooom!” I replied.

Now that 7 Eleven has been open for 24 hours for the past twenty thirty years or so, don't you think that they should rename the store to 24?

Workers from different trades were asked, "What is the number one rule in your profession?" Here were some responses... Plumber: “Don’t chew your fingernails.” Roofer: “You are fired before you hit the ground.” Camp counselor: “Don’t lose the kid.” Scuba diver: “If it moves, it wants to kill you.” Photographer: “Take the lens cap off.”

I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay with the current job. He asked which companies? I told him gas, electric, and cable.

One of my first jobs was cleaning windows... Windows on envelopes that is!

I use to work in a calendar factory. The management fired me after 1 day. All I did was take one day off.

At work, one co-worker says to another, "Excuse me, may I disturb you shortly?" "Of course, what is it?" "Nothing, I just wanted to disturb you."

Interviewer: So what do you have planned for the future? Me: Lunch Interviewer: No, I mean long term. Me: Oh... Dinner.

Although desperate to find work, I passed on a job I found on an employment website. It was for a wastewater plant operator. Among the job requirements: "Must be able to swim."

My friend's son worked at a fast-food restaurant when he was in high school. One night while he was manning the drive-thru, a customer told him that the intercom wasn't working properly. My friend's son went about filling the order while a female co-worker fiddled with the intercom. After making some fixes, she asked, "Is that okay now?" "Well, no," the customer replied. "Now you sound like a girl."

The company where I work provides four-foot-high cubicles so each employee can have some privacy. One day a co-worker had an exasperating phone conversation with one of her teenage sons. After hanging up, she heaved a sigh and said, "No one ever listens to me." Immediately, several voices from surrounding cubicles called out, "Yes, yes we do."

I was halfway through a meeting with a photocopy salesman, when he suddenly mentioned his wife and children, and how content and happy he was. I was puzzled, but let him continue. It was only when I glanced down that I understood his reason for imparting this personal information. The table leg against which I had been rubbing my itchy foot wasn’t a table leg at all.

Each year our company holds a training session in the conference room of the same hotel. When we were told we would not be able to reserve our usual location, my secretary, Gail, spent many hours on the phone trying to work out alternative arrangements. Finally, when the details were ironed out, she burst into my office. "Great news, Scott!" she announced. "We’re getting our regular room at the hotel!" All eyes were on Gail and me as she suddenly realized she had interrupted a meeting with co-workers.

"I can't remember... Do I work at home or do I live at work? Which is it?

A bank clerk is talking with her colleague. "I think now-a-days my beauty has been decreasing." "Why do you think that?" asked the colleague. "The men who are withdrawing cash at my counter are actually counting their money."

As I walked into work my boss greeted me with, "Have a nice day." I did. I turned around and went home.

Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field!

Every day a peddler pulled his cart of wool from his home to the village market. It was a long trip. He had to travel around the perimeter of a large lake that was owned by the town tycoon, a modern-day scrooge. One day during the winter the lake frozen over. The peddler realized that he could cut off two miles from his trip if he crossed over the lake. He was spotted halfway across the lake by the tycoon. Scrooge came racing out of his mansion and screamed at the peddler, "I'll be darned if I let anyone pull the wool over my ice!"

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

One of my job responsibilities is to input employee self-evaluations. There was a junior manager's self-evaluation, which said in part, "I have been on the job for three months, and I finally feel as if I've accomplished something." I made one mistake, however. I replaced the word 'job' with 'John'.

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss were on their way to a lunch meeting. In the cab they found a lamp. The boss rubbed it and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you one wish each," the genie said. Grabbing the lamp from his boss, the eager senior manager shouted, "I want to be on a fast boat in the Bahamas with no worries." And poof, he was gone. The junior manager couldn't keep quiet. He shouted, "I want to be in Miami, with beautiful girls, and food, and cocktails." And poof, he was gone. Finally, it was the boss's' turn. "I want those idiots back in the office after lunch."

After my wife landed a coveted job offer from UPS, we went out of town to celebrate. While on our trip, she was contacted by the company's Human Resources department with an urgent request to complete and send back her tax forms. "No problem," she said. "I'll FedEx them right over."

A man went to the hardware store and asked for nails. "How long do you want them?" asked the salesman. "Oh," said the customer, "I was rather hoping to keep them."

While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back in 20 minutes. The woman asked, “Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”

During college, I worked on a conveyer belt. One day, I was on a blind date, and she asked me about my job. "I work at the end of a belt," I said. With an ebullient smile, she asked, "Are you the buckle?"

Mr. Frobisher always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for four-thirty on Friday afternoons. When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained. "I will tell you why. I've learned that's the only time of the week when none of you wants to argue with me."

Employee: "Sir, what is the secret of your success?" Manager: "Two words." Employee: "And, Sir, what are they?" Manager: "Right decisions." Employee: "And how do you make right decisions?" Manager: "One word." Employee: "And, What is that?" Manager: "Experience." Employee: "And how do you get Experience?" Manager: "Two words." Employee: "And, Sir, what are they?" Manager: "Wrong decisions."