Jokes

My boss told me yesterday, “Ken, you shouldn't dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want.” But when I turned up at the office today in Ghostbuster's clothing, she said I was fired.

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered. The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem. The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

Patient: "My problem is too much sleeping. I fall asleep as soon as I enter a bus." Doctor: "So what? It is not at all a problem to sleep in a bus." Patient: "But who is going to drive it if I'm asleep?"

The other day I was at the Barber Shop when a guy stuck his head into the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head into the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour only." The guy left. The barber turned to me and said, "Hey, Phil, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later, I returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?" I looked up, tears in my eyes from the laughter and said, "To your house!"

“Has your son decided what ?he wants to be when he grows up?” ?I asked my friend. “He wants to be a garbageman,” ?he replied. “That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.” “Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”

Nurse: Your blood pressure is amazingly high. Is your job very stressful? Patient: Well, I work at a petting zoo. Nurse: That seems easy enough. Patient: I determine which animals are too vicious to be petted.

This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did. I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.

A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business. As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?" The young man answered, "Yes, I did." To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"

I woke up suddenly terrified, I'm late for work! I opened my eyes and chilled... I'm at work.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Just my luck, I applied for a job as a night watchman... I got the day shift.

Customer : I'd like to try that dress in the window. Assistant : I'm sorry madam, I'm afraid you'll have to use the fitting room, like everybody else.

What kind of ride has the name Jaws? Jaws the ride.

Q: What sound does a piano make when you drop it down a mine shaft? A: A flat miner!

A CEO would always schedule weekly meetings at 4:30 PM every Friday. The co-workers always complained about it until one finally got courage to ask his boss, “Why do you put the meetings at Friday 4:30?”“Because it’s the only time you guys don’t argue with me.”

Competitive Salary-Paying you less than our competitions.Join our Fast Paced Team-We expect you to know everything so we don’t train you. Casual Work Atmosphere-We don’t pay you enough to dress you upMust be Deadline Oriented-You are 6 months behind on your first day.Duties Will Vary-Anyone in the Office can boss you aroundMust have an eye for detail-We have no quality control

Prison-8’x10’ CellWork-6’x8’ CubiclePrison-3 meals a dayWork-1 meal and you have to pay for that one Prison-Guards Unlock and Lock the doors for youWork-You have to do it yourselfPrison-Friends and Family can visit you

“What special skills do you have?” a company official asked a job applicant. “Well, none, actually,” admitted the applicant. We have several unskilled positions, but they’re all filled right now by the president’s relatives.”

An ironworker nonchalantly walked the narrow beam fifteen floors above the city sidewalk. Though strong winds were blowing a heavy rain, the worker showed no fear whatever. When he came down to the sidewalk, a man who had been watching him from ground level went over to him and said, “I was really impressed watching you up there. You were so calm. How did you get a job like this?” “Well, as a matter of fact,” replied the ironworker, “I used to drive a school bus, until my nerves gave out.”

What do you mean I’m not qualified?” demanded a job applicant. “I have an IQ of 150. I scored 1,480 on the SAT. I was magna cum laude in graduate school.” “Yes,” replied the hiring supervisor, “but we don’t really require intelligence around here.”

The company’s management team put their heads together to decide how to reduce the high employee turnover rate. “They spend their first six or eight weeks learning our system, then they join another company,” complained one executive. “Yes, but doesn’t that at least speak highly of our training program?” chirped an optimistic colleague.

The CEO of a major corporation asked his press officer to write a twenty-minute speech for the shareholders meeting. Upon his return from the meeting he is furious at the press officer. “Are you trying to kill my career?” the executive barks. "I asked for a twenty-minute speech and you give me an hour-long speech! People were standing up and walking out.” “No,” says the press officer, “I gave you exactly what you requested… a twenty-minute speech and two extra copies.”

Did you hear about all the magicians in the country starting their own union? Just say 'work' and they disappear!

An example of the new America: A brother and sister were driving to a couple stores and the conversation of buying things they needed came up. As they were talking, the sister mentioned that she needed to get a new car. The brother said, “Well, you have a college degree now, so you can go get the job that pays you more." The sister, who made between 10 and 11 dollars an hour said, “I already got the job that my college degree will get me. Now what?”

A candidate at a job interview was asked a tough question to which he mumbled an inaudible answer. The interviewer said "Come again?" The candidate got up, collected his file, went out of the room and came back again.

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento". When asked why she had such a long password, the employee rolled her eyes and said, "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital."

Three absent minded writers were busy discussing a writing project on the platform, while waiting for the train. The announcement was made, and the train finally arrived. There was complete panic among eagerly waiting passengers as the train made its way to the platform. Passengers rushed inside the train, and the train left. However, one of the writers was not able to catch the train in the confusion. A passerby who saw all this came up to the writer and told him not to worry and catch the next available train. The writer replied, “I am not worried for myself, but the real problem is that I was the one who was suppose to catch the train, and the two of them who went on the train, actually came to see me off”.

A UNI graduate is applying for a part time job to help with his course fees. He applies to work in a supermarket and gets the job. The first day the manager tells him to sweep the floor, the UNI grad. is furious and shouts "hey mate, don't you know that I have several degrees in various areas of science and after seven years of going to university you ask me to sweep the floor". The manager replied “Oh sorry, I didn't know that, here pass me the broom and I’ll show you how to sweep the floor."

During my earlier career days, offices recorded attendance in book registers and we had pay cuts for being late more than 4 times a month and the update was under control of the receptionist. On one occasion, our boss appreciated & commended a colleague of mine for drastic improvement for on time attendance, surprisingly just after he moved to a far away home location. My colleague’s instant reaction to my boss was “Sir the receptionist is coming late to the office"

Mr. Trent always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for four thirty on Friday afternoons. When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained. “I will tell you why … I’ve leaned that’s the only time of the week when none of you seem to want to argue with me.”