Jokes

Some puns leave me numb... But math puns make me even number!

"What are you going to do this weekend?" “I’m going to buy glasses.” “And then what?” “Then I’ll see.”

We all know where the Big Apple is... But does anyone know where the 'Minne-apol-is'?

Two girls were watching guys who were arriving at their favorite bar. "Who's that really cute guy?" one of them asked. "Oh, that guy is a loser, he's always bouncing around between girls," says the second girl. "Just tell me his name," the 1st girl suggests. "Rick O'Shay," says the 2nd girl.

Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" The other replies, "Yes, it's these darn wicker chairs!"

Someone keeps dumping soil all over my garden bed, and I don't know who's doing it??? The plot thickens...

What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?" "No sun."

What's the difference between an umpire and a pickpocket? One watches steals and the other steals watches.

Why is 'o' the noisiest vowel? Because all the others are in audible.

What is the most tired part of a car? What else, the exhaust pipe!

A bicycle rolls into the doctor's office. It says, “ Doc, you gotta help me! I can’t keep from yawning all day long.” The doctor says, “ Well, I think it’s because you’re too tired.”

Joe says to Bill, "Want to see a picture of my Aunt?" Bill said, "Sure." So Joe takes out a picture. Bill says, "What are you talking about? That's not your aunt! That's a picture of a fish!" Joe says, "Well sure it is... It's my aunt Chovy!"

Joe: Hi, Mo. What have you been doing lately? Mo: I went to a lecture about corn last night. Joe: Was it interesting? Mo: Yeah, I was all ears!

In the world of flies, a young fly needed a heart transplant. After being taken to surgery, the fly anesthesiologist put the young fly to sleep. The fly doctor assistant cut open the young fly’s chest. He then announced to the fly heart doctor, "Your fly is open." The heart doctor blushed.

My mom told me to clean the papers out of my room. Then she told me to empty the waste baskets from the bathrooms. Then she told me to take the kitchen garbage out. Then she told me to take the garbage cans to the street. But I didn’t have to do any of that. You know why? That was just trash talk!

How many bugs do you need to rent out an apartment? Ten-ants.

Did you hear about the cheap art thieves the police caught the other day? They didn’t have the Monet to buy Degas to make their Van Gogh.

Hidden Definitions... HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MYTH: A female moth. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but he was so timid that he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he told his therapist that every time he got near her, he felt like nothing more than a tiny pebble. "Well," his therapist responded, "if you want to get the girl, you'll just have to be a little boulder!"

I went to the home improvement store to buy some paint. I saw the Behr brand. It had a picture of a bear on the label. I’m not sure what “B-e-h-r" is supposed to spell but it isn’t bear. I wasn’t going to buy a brand that doesn’t know there’s a difference in spellings. I went with Sherwin Williams because it was clear with their brand name it would be a sher-win for me!

What is the worlds biggest sphere? The At-most-sphere!

I was riding my bike when my good friend Aaron stepped off the curb. Even though I was able to stop, I ran him over. As he got up and examined his bruises, he asked me why I didn't stop. "I couldn't," I said. "After all, I was running Aarons!"

Upon arrival, the lumberjack started to swing at the tree, when the tree suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!” The lumberjack grinned and said, “And you will dialogue!”

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German man are watching a street performer. While he’s juggling, the street performer notices that the four have a bad view, so he stands on a crate and asks them, “Can you all see me now?” The four guys respond to him, “Yes...” “Oui...” “Si...” “Ja!”

I've heard of Preparation H... But what happened to Preparations A through G?

A librarian was camping and left his shoes outside his tent for the night. The next morning he woke up to find his shoes practically soaking wet from a heavy dew. That evening, when he arrived home, he began making an addition to his tent to keep his shoes dry on his next trip. After careful sewing and planning, he had what he thought would be the perfect solution to keep his shoes dry on future trips. The next time he went camping he set up in a popular spot next to other campers and was asked about his tents addition. He told the fellow camper his story of his wet shoes and how he had made the addition to his tent himself. The librarian had even come up with a name for his invention to which he proclaimed, "I call it the Dewey Vestible System."

My wife is mad at me, says I have no sense of direction. So I packed all my bags and right!

I started a new job as a security guard last night. Before my boss left he told me I had to make sure I watched the office all night. I am on season 2 already but I don't know what it has to do with security.

I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels... She didn’t know I existed.