Jokes

Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion... They said he'll be given a tough sentence!

Dude 1: Hey, bro? Dude 2: Yeah, bro? Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet? Dude 2: Bro-chure...

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

Why do watermelons contain so much water? Because they're planted in the spring.

People think "icy" is the easiest word to spell... Come to think of it, I see why.

Why do teenage girls only hang around in groups of odd numbers? "Because OMG they can’t even..."

Greg: Did you hear about the accident at the Army camp? Mike: No, what happened? Greg: A Jeep ran over a popcorn box and killed two kernels.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.. The rabbit says, "I think I might be a type-O!"

A jeweler was on his way to work when he saw a sign that said “Watch for children”... He thought to himself, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

Why did the cat want to join the Red Cross? He wanted to be a first aid kit!

A friend of mine told her husband they had a Catholic bird in their yard. "A what? How do you know it's a Catholic bird?" "Because it's a Cardinal."

There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left? None, because they were all a bunch of copycats.

My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes. I asked her, "What should I do to stop my addiction?" She said, "Hey, whatever means necessary." "No, no it doesn't," I said.

Why didn’t the sun go to college? Because it already had a million degrees!

Whoever stole my anti depressants... I hope you’re happy now!

In the days before calculators, accountants were frequently unable to get their debits to balance with their credits. So, in order to overcome the discrepancy, they often created a bogus account titled "Taste" to store the unbalanced amount and allow the books to balance. Unfortunately, the government soon heard of this practice and declared a new law... there would, from this point on, be no accounting for Taste.

I went bald early in life... I have a comb... I just can’t part with it.

Igor: "Why do you call your pet fawn 'Ninety-Nine Cents'?" Boris: "Because it’s not old enough to be a buck."

There was a funeral in Ireland. The coffin was being carried into a large room in a house. There were plenty of empty chairs and lots of people standing around but nowhere to put the coffin down. “Quickly”, cried the Undertaker, “three chairs for the corpse!” “Hip, Hip, Hurray!” cried the crowd.

I spent $80 on a belt that didn't fit... My wife said it was a huge waist.

Didya hear the one about the new show planned for TV's Food Network sponsored by the Arthur Andersen accounting firm? It's called "Cook the Books"!

Two guys went to a local pancake house that served real Vermont maple syrup but charged extra for it. So the guys went to a supermarket, bought their own Vermont maple syrup, and brought it to the pancake house. They didn't want to get caught, so they were forced to pass the bottle between them... syrupticiously.

A guy goes to see the doctor for his aching shoulder problem. The doctor said, "Okay, it is a bit inflamed. What I want you to do is put a bag of frozen peas on it, on and off for a week." "The peas will work?" the guy asked. The doctor replies, "Yes, just give peas a chance."

What happens when you give a Ford Fiesta Ritalin? It turns into a Ford Focus.

What's the difference between 16.5 feet and former New York Yankees' star Alex Rodriguez? No difference at all, they're both "A Rod"!

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel. An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. A realist sees a freight train. The train conductor sees three idiots standing on the track.

A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway... Police advise citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals!

Jeff to son Jeffery: "Why don't you get your girlfriend a sun lamp?" Jeffrey: "Why a sun lamp?" Jeff: "Yes, I bought your mother one." Jeffery: "She bakes herself with it?" Jeff: "Yes. Yesterday she baked herself for six hours and now she is the toast of the town!"

Why did the cow go to the church house? It heard they had a new Pastor!

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences!