Jokes

While on vacation in Spain with my wife, I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed. It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack. I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel. The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman. I said, “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!” She replied, “No one expects the Spanish Inn physician.”

At our weekly Bible study, our leader was recapping what we knew about the Epistle to Titus before continuing with the study. So he asked, "What kind of place was Crete?" Nobody answered, so he added, "In a geographic sense." One or two of us answered, but nobody gave the answer he was looking for. So he said, "I'll give you a clue: it has a lot in common with a much talked about place called Noman." One of us responded, "Can't say I've heard on Noman." To which our leader said, "Noman is an island."

What kind of fuel does the king use in his castle? He always uses one of the noble gases.

I used to run a dating agency for chickens... But I was struggling to make hens meet!

I can't find my 'Gone in 60 Seconds' DVD... I could have sworn it was here a minute ago!

Why did the doctor carry out blood tests on the secretarial candidates? So that he could eliminate type-O's.

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you "can't" go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport, you have to be driven there. I've made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family, and work. I have also been in Doubt. That's a sad place to go, and I try not to visit too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense. It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart. At my age I need all the stimuli I can get.

A limbo champion walked into a bar... He was disqualified.

What starts with an "O" and ends with "nions" and sometimes make you cry? Opinions.

While sitting on top of a large pile of dirt, one bulldozer says to the other bulldozer, "Did the earth move for you too?"

Did you hear about the skunks that started a boy band? They are calling themselves "The Back Streak Boys"!

My new friend has a very Irish name... O'Really?

Pedro - "Have you heard about Murphy's Law?" Carlos - "Yes, anything that can go wrong will go wrong." Pedro - "Cole's Law? Carlos - "It's Julienne Cabbage in a Creamy Dressing."

In a democracy it's your vote that counts... In feudalism, it's your Count that votes!

What is the link between a dentist and a veterinarian? They both work with K-9's!

Hickory Dickory Dock... Three mice ran up the clock... The clock struck one... ... but the other two got away with minor injuries.

A piece of gold walked into a Texas bar... The bartender said, “Au, get out of here!”

Why did Shakespeare only write in ink? Pencils confused him... "2B or not to 2B?"

I bought some new seeds for my chickens, but they can't eat it... It's impeccable.

Dad: "What are you drinking, son?" Son: "Soy milk." Dad: "Hola milk, ¡soy padre!"

Why was Pavlov's hair so soft? Because he conditioned it.

Which runs faster, HOT or COLD? HOT because anyone can catch a COLD.

A vegan said to me, "People who sell meat are gross!" I said, "People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!"

Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes? No one can eat just one potato ship.

Do you remember when air was free and now it is $1.50? Do you know why? Inflation!

A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted... They assured him he would be covered.

Where would you most likely see a Cosmonaut? Look in a Mir.

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

"Why does your sister have yeast and shoe polish for breakfast?" "Because she wants to rise and shine."

My son thinks I set the bar too high for him as a child. It seems like he never got over it.