Jokes

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says "Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!

After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car. "What's the matter Johnny?" asked his concerned mother. Johnny replied: "that man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home...I just want her to stay with you guys."

A man who's wife was pregnant couldn't bear to be in the delivery room at the time of the birth. So he thought he'd ring up later to see if it had come yet. He rang up and the nurse said "it's a girl but theres another one on the way" he rang again later and the nurse said "it's another girl but there's another coming" he rang once more and the nurse said " it's a boy but there's another coming" He couldn't stand it any more so he went to the pub and got drunk. An hour later he was really nervous. He was dialling the hospital, hands shaking, and accidently dialled the sports line. he asked " how many did we get mate" the person said "198 all out.... and the last one was a duck"

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!

One afternoon there was a group of tourists on tour going through an ancient castle in Europe. They were accompanied by a tour guide. The guide said that the majestic castle was over 700 years old. He added that nothing had been altered or touched in all those years. One of the tourists blurted out, "Sounds like they have the same cheap landlord I have!"

Jerry was sitting down for breakfast one morning when he was astonished to see in the paper an announcment of his own death. He called his friend at once, "Jim, have you seen the announcement of my death in the paper?" Jim replied, "Yes, and exactly where are you calling from?"

Looking at a home in a new neighborhood the prospective buyer ask the man next door: "Besides yourself, how many knaves do you suppose live on this street?" "Besides myself?" replied the other. "Do you mean to insult me?" "Well then," said the first. "How many do you reckon including yourself?"

Bartender: I've got a new cocktail for you. It's a cross between beer and whiskey and it's the name of a children's sidewalk game. Patron: Oh, cool! What is it? Bartender: Hops-scotch!

Two friends met after not seeing each other for a couple of months. Bill: "Jack, you look like you not doing well?" Jack (swiping the sweat off his brow): "I ain't been ill. It's the work doing me in. Working from seven in the morning till six at night. Only one hour for a break. Think of it. Very taxing on ones body." Bill: "Wow, and how long has this been going on? How long you been working for that company?" Jack: "Oh, I haven't been there yet. I begin tomorrow," he added gloomily.

A man walks into the grocery store and ask to speak to the manager about buying all the rotten eggs. "What do you want with all the rotten eggs?" the manager asks. "Are you going to see the new comedian at the theater tonight?" "Sh-sh-sh!" hissed the buyer nervously. "I am the new comedian."

The traveling salesman was passing through a small western town selling an elixir which he declared: "will make men live to a great age!" "Look at me," he shouted. "Hale and hearty, I'm over 300 years old." "Is he really as old as that?" a bystander ask the youthful assistant. "I can't say," replied the assistant. "I've only worked for him for just over a 100 years."

Bob sent Alice the following email: "Dear Alice, I must be getting so forgetful. I proposed to you last night , but have forgotten whether you said yes or no." Alice replied: "Dear Bob. It is so good to hear from you. I know I said no to someone last night, but I had forgotten just who it was."

The new chairman, giving his acceptance speech at the annual meeting of a local society club indicated his concern... "In most associations half the members do most of the work while the other half does nothing. Beginning today this will change. From this day forward this will be reversed!"

"Hello," exclaimed Jenkins, as he met his friend Jones. "You're looking a bit off color. Anything wrong?" "I'm afraid there is," replied Jones, "I've had to give up drinking, smoking and gambling." "Well, I must say that's all to your credit," commended Jenkins. "Oh, no, it isn't," snapped Jones. "Its due to my lack of credit."

When her husband returns home at two in the morning, the wife confronts him. "I told you two beers and home by ten o’clock!" The man replies, "I'm sorry honey, I must have gotten the two numbers mixed up."

As the cruise ship was departing port, a well dressed passenger approached the Captain. Pointing to the distant hills she asked, "What is that white stuff?" The Captain replied, "That is snow, madam." "Well," remarked the lady, "I thought so. But a gentleman told me it was Greece."

Two drunks were babbling about when they were born as they leaned heavily against the bar. "You know," said one, "when I was born I weighed a pound and a half, and that's a fact." "You don't say," said the other. "And did you live?" "Did I live?" exclaimed the first. "Heck man, you ought to see me now."

Uncle Jack drove up to the drug store in high distress. He stamped into the store, talking to himself. "Are you the fresh young fellow that sold me this this stuff yesterday and told me it was toothpaste?" Uncle Jack inquired of the clerk. "Yes sir," replied the clerk. "Well, this morning I tried for half and hour, and I'll be darned if it would make my teeth stick in!"

Descartes walked into a bar and ordered a beer. “Want another?” asked the bartender. “I think not,” Descartes replied. Then he disappeared.

A couple of guys were discussing the latest play showing in the theater. "I saw the first act, but not the second." "Why not?" "I couldn't wait that long. It said on the program that the second act was two years later."

ME: "I will take $50 on pump one please..." BARTENDER: "Sir, please get your mouth off the keg!"

The cowboy ordered a steak at a restaurant and it was served rare, very rare. He looked at it and ask that it be returned to the kitchen and cooked. The chef came out to inform him that the steak was cooked. "Cooked? You call this cooked? I've seen cows hurt worse than this and they get well."

Railroad agent: "Here's another farmer who is suing us on account of his cows." Supervisor: "One of our trains has killed them, I suppose?" Agent: "No, he claims our trains go by so slow that the passengers lean out the window and milk them when they go by."

The tourist, after stepping off the train in Kansas City and desperately holding on to his hat, "Wow, does the wind always blow this way out here?" "Nah," said the driver solemnly, "it blows this way for six months of the year, and then it turns round and blows the other direction."

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink. He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once but I didn't like it." So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?" But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once but I didn't like it." The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son." The bartender said, "Let me guess, your only son?"

Artist: "This is my very latest painting. I call it 'Builders at Work'... it's very realistic." Friend: "But they really aren't at work." Artist: "Of course, that's the realism."

A gold-digger had died and all her worldly possessions, including a parrot, were being auctioned off. "What am I offered for this beautiful bird?" "One bean," bid a bystander. "Two bucks," roared another. "Make it five, Daddy," croaked the parrot, "and I'll give you a kiss."

A young man fell into a deep coma, but recovered before his friends had buried him. One of his friends ask him what it felt like to be dead. "Dead? I wasn't dead and I knew it because I was hungry and my feet were cold." "But, how did that make you so sure?" "Well, I knew if I was in heaven I wouldn't be hungry, and if I were in the other place, my feet wouldn't be cold."

The speaker was genuinely enthusiastic about the virtues of temperance but his face made people doubt him. Towards the close of his testimony he squared his shoulders, held his head tall, and said, "I have lived in this town all my life. in this town there are fifty-five public houses that sell liquor, and I am proud to say that I have never been in one of them!" Then came a small voice from the back, "Which one is that?"

At the monthly meeting of the local group of struggling artists, two of them were discussing their respective prospects. First artist: "I'm not doing too well. I painted a picture for a local lady but she didn't like it. She said it made her look just like a monkey." Second artist: "I hope you were diplomatic about it?" First artist: "Yes, I told her she should have thought about that before she had her picture painted."