Jokes

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.

Theater patron 1: "There was a fire in the dressing room of the star backstage. The firemen were there for six hours." Theater patron 2: "Am I understanding you correctly that it took six hours to put out a fire in the dressing room?" Theater patron 1: "Oh no, it took only one hour to put out the fire. It took another five hours to put out the fireman."

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on... After the seventh order, the bartender stops and says, “You fellas ought to know your limits!”

Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argument. "Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one. "There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor. They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order. "Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy them for us." The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?" "That's right," he called back, "two pints!"

Pete: "What's that you have in your buttonhole?" Donald: "That's a chrysanthemum." Pete: "It looks like a rose to me!" Donald: "Your wrong, its a chrysanthemum." Pete: "Then spell it." Donald: "K-r-i-s.....your right, it is a rose."

Bono & The Edge walk into a bar. The barman says, "Oh no, not U2 again!"

Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked. "He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Ford, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well, you get the idea." "So what did he end up with?" "Ten years to life."

An inebriated young actor staggered into a large hotel in Hollywood and looked into a large mirror in the lobby. After a minute or so passed he said, in a loud voice, "Look, they've got a picture of me here, too!"

The landlady of a rooming house that had seen better days was leading a prospective tenant to a third floor room with badly splattered wall paper. Landlady: “The last man who lived in this room was an inventor---he invented some type of explosive." Prospective tenant: “Then the spots on the wall was some type of explosive?” Landlady: “No, the inventor.”

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, "Give me a martinus!" The bartender says, "You mean a martini?" Caesar replies, "No, I want one, not two."

A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motor-home, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills." Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment. "Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" "It doesn't really matter, as long as he or she fits in the cannon."

Mary's list for the throughout the ages... What I Want in a Man, Original List 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32) 1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head) 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42) 1. Not too ugly (bald head OK) 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52) 1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 3. Doesn't borrow money too often What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62) 1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 4 What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72) 1. Breathing 2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.  She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you, "You're going straight to hell!"   The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Oh man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Two guys go into a pub. There is a swing band playing the old song "Yes, we have no bananas". Guy 1: I love this song! Guy 2: Yes. I think it's written by Mozart. Guy 1: Of course it's not. They didn't make swing music in Mozart's time. Guy 2: Yes they did! Guy 1: You're stupid! They didn't even have bananas back then. Guy 2: I know, that's the name of the song!

A climate scientist and a climate-change denier walk into a bar. The climate-change denier goes to the bartender and asks for the strongest drink in the house. The bartender takes out a bottle and says, "This is Absinthe, about 75% alcohol. Can I sell you a glass?" The climate-change denier gets all upset and leaves the bar in a huff. The climate scientist says to the bartender, "Those climate-change deniers! You can show them the proof but they still won't buy it!

I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with a napkin. Having plenty of experience with getting out food stains, I asked, "Can I bring you some club soda?" "Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've had enough to drink. Bring me another martini!"

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?" "A mongoose." "What for?" "Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection." "But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes." "That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose.

A Russian arrives at a friends house with a bottle of vodka. The friend silently leads him into the dining room where they both sit at the table with the bottle. Not a word is spoken. The friend goes off and returns with two vodka glasses. The Russian fills the two glasses with the vodka, and they begin to drink. Not a word is spoken. After much silence and a half-empty bottle, the Russian ventures a comment, “Good vodka, agree?” At this, the friend slams down his glass and replies, “Did you come here to talk or to drink?”

THINGS THAT IS DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon  THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive- aggressive disorder   THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Nope, no more beer for me. 2. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 3. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

A girl walked into a bar and said to the barman, "Bud light please." He said, "Are you 18?" She said, "No." He said, "I can't serve you then." As I walked out I thought to myself, "This is the fourth bar i have been in today. What does a 22 year old have to do to get a beer around here?"

To increase his tips the local bartender posted the following: PHONE NOTIFICATION FEES (ADD $1.00 TO INSERT NAME) $1.00 HE NOT HERE! $2.00 ON HIS WAY OUT! $3.00 HE JUST LEFT! $4.00 HAVEN'T SEEN HIM ALL DAY! $5.00 WHO? PAY BARTENDER UPON ARRIVAL AT BAR.

A man went to the doctor with a mystery ailment. The doctor asked: "Do you drink to excess?" The man replied: "I’ll drink to anything."

A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer. “What are you doing out at this time of night?” asked the officer. “I’m going to a lecture,” said the drunk. “And who’s going to be giving a lecture at this hour?” “My wife.”

A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. “I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.” “Why not?” asked the snake. “Because you can’t hold your drink.”

The bartender asked a guy sitting at the bar, ”What'll you have? The guy answered, ”A scotch, please.” The bartender handed him the drink and said, ”That’ll be $5.” The guy said, “What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.” A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, said to the bartender, ”You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration. The bartender was understandably unhappy, but said to the guy, ”Okay, I'll let you off this time, but don't ever let me catch you in here again.” The next day, the same guy walked into the bar. The bartender said: “What the hell are you doing in here? I thought I told you to steer clear of this joint. I can’t believe you’ve got the nerve to come back.” The guy said innocently: “What are you talking about? I never been in this place in my life.” Fearing that he made a mistake, the bartender backed down. “I’m very sorry,” he said, “but the likeness is uncanny. You must have a double.” The guy replied: “Thanks. Make it a scotch.”

After sitting down, Jupiter says, "I'm the biggest planet, give me the biggest beer you have." Saturn says, "I'm the best looking planet, give me the fanciest drink you have." Pluto says, "I know I'm not a planet, but give me a shot!

A customer walked into a bar and said, “I’ll have a pint of less, please.” “Less?” queried the bartender. “What’s that?” “I don’t know either,” said the customer, “but my doctor told me to drink less.”

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender said: “It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr. Hasselhoff.” “Just call me Hoff,” said the actor. “Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”

A young man enters a bar and sees a beautiful lady at the counter. He moves closer to her and starts a conversation. Man: "Hello beautiful..." Woman: "Hi." Man: "My name is Solomon." Woman: "So?" Man: "Lomon."

A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in college. One day in a seminar class, they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty. After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to continue the discussion with his family. With maximum drama, he took a 12-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table. He proudly asked his family, "Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty." Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."