Jokes

Q: Why do seagulls live by the sea? A: Because if they lived by the bay, they would be bagels.

QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road? Part II Answers: George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests. Colonel Sanders: I missed one? Plato: For the greater good. Aristotle: To actualize its potential. Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability. B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill. Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road. Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. The Sphinx: You tell me. Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature. Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death. Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it. Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. Saddam Hussein #2: It is the Mother of all Chickens. Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet. Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed, I've not been told! O.J.: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it's paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Every 50 ft or so the bunny would stop, look back, and wave. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can. He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "'Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

What kind of animal hates to do it's laundry the most? A Leopard because it has so many spots.

In a recent issue of "Meat & Poultry" magazine, there was the following story... It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken."

The mother to be wrote to Washington for a pamphlet on the subject of "Prenatal Care". A few days later she received a reply regretfully informing her that the requested pamphlet was out of stock but as soon as it was available it would be sent to her. Quite a few months passed and the lady received a package from the bureau. The Superintendent of Public Documents apologized for the delay and felt that under the circumstances they could take the liberty of substituting the pamphlet originally asked for with another, "Infant Care".

On his first day back to work after the birth of his son, Randy's supervisor said, "I understand you have a new youngster at your house?" Randy glanced around apprehensively, "For heaven's sake, you can't hear him all the way out here, can you?"

Two students were talking about their childhood. "I was a very clever toddler. By the time I was ten months old, I could already walk." "You call that clever?" the other said. "I managed to trick my parents into carrying me until I was three!"

My daughter was working for the American Embassy in Australia when she was expecting her first child. I was so happy when she texted me with the news. "I'm a grandfather!" I said to my coworkers. "When was she born?" somebody queried. Recalling the date she told me, I thought for a minute and said in a calm voice, "Tomorrow!"

JOHNNY: "Say Mom, was our baby sent down from heaven?" MOTHER: "Yes, son." JOHNNY: "I guess they like to have things quiet up there, huh?"

How do babies get their belly buttons? When God finishes making little babies, He lines them all up in a row. Then he walks along in front of them. He pokes each one in the tummy with His finger and says, “You’re done…you’re done…you’re done…"

It has been finally realized that babies born on holidays are more than likely to be little girls... The reason is because there is no mail delivery on holidays.

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" "Doctor, what's going on?" asked the concerned father-to-be. "Don't worry," said the doctor, "those are just contractions."

Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy standing next to me was the only male to venture a number. "Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently. "This must not be your first," I said. "Oh, yes," he said, "it's my first." "Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I asked. He shrugged, "I'm a fisherman."

A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant. His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, "What in the world are you doing?" He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."

The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right. "So, tell me, nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?"

Every baby finds its first squeeze toy while still in the womb... It is their mother's bladder, sending her to the bathroom twenty plus times a day and night.

Dad: "Say daddy!" Baby: "Mommy!" Dad: "Come on, say daddy!" Baby: "Mommy!" Dad: "Darn it, say daddy!" Baby: "Darn it, Mommy!" [Mom comes home and joins the conversation.] Mom: "Honey, I'm home!" Baby: "Darn it!" Mom: "Who taught you that?" Baby: "Daddy!" Dad: ...

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one." The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled. "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby."

One night, a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, even skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said. "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $67.50."

When Mary was pregnant, her five year old, Billy, was utterly amazed and a little bit disbelieving that his sister was growing in his mom's tummy. So one day when the baby was especially active, she asked Billy to place his tiny hands on her tummy to feel the baby kick. But when he did, the baby was suddenly still. "Oh, Billy, she must have decided to take a nap," shrugged his mother. "A nap?" Billy marveled. "You mean there's a bed in there too?”

Saw the cutest TRIPLETS in the mall last week. Each had a personalized shirt. 1st shirt said: I WAS PLANNED. 2nd one said: I WAS NOT. 3rd said: ME NEITHER!

What are the two reasons why babies wear diapers? Number 1 and Number 2!

A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s office. “Why is your stomach so big?” he asks. “I'm having a baby,” she replies. “Is the baby in your stomach?” he asks, with his big eyes. “Yes, it is.” “Is it a good baby?” “Oh, yes. A really good baby.” Shocked and surprised, the little boy asks, “Then why did you eat him?”

What do triplets need more than single babies? More Womb!

Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet, my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room. "He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two." "How will I be sure?" she pressed. "Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

Did you hear about the baby that was born in a high tech. hospital? It came out cordless!

There was a little baby boy and a little baby girl. Then the baby boy goes "I'm a boy, you are a girl!" Then the girl goes "How do you know?" Then the little boy goes "I'll show you when the nurse leaves." So about 10 minutes later, the nurse leaves. So the boy lifts up his gown and goes........."See I have Blue Booties, and you have Pink!

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!