Jokes

TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

Teacher: Today is the first day of the school, any questions? John: Yes, when will the Holidays start?

Teacher: If you had 20p in one trouser pocket and 60p in the other, what do you have? Pupil: Someone else’s trousers, miss.

A man walked up to a school and said "can you teach me to read and write" The administrator said, "Yes we can"! Just fill out this form."

A schoolteacher asked her primary six class to construct sentences with the words: defeat, detail, defense. There was a pause before a pupil raised his hand and said he could make a sentence with them; "The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat."

"Simon, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?” “Huge hands, sir.”

Teacher: Class, you have 30 minutes to write a composition on the subject of Baseball Jonah: Here’s my paper Teacher: Jonah, you spent only one minute writing your essay Lets hear what you wrote Jonah: Game called off on account of rain

The teacher was warning the class about the dangers of going to in cold weather insufficiently clad. “There was one a boy,” he said, “who was so eager to go out and play with his sled that he didn’t put a coat or scarf on; he caught a chill, the chill led to pneumonia and he died!” The teacher paused to allow the moral of this story to sink in, when a small voice said, “What happened to the sled ….?”

“What would you like to be when you grow up Tommy?” “I’d like to be a teacher, sir.” “Would you, indeed? And why would you like to be a teacher?” “Cause I wouldn’t have to do any more learning – I’d know everything by then!”

“Alfred, if I had 20 marbles in my right pants pocket, 20 marbles in my left pants pocket, 40 marbles in my right hip pocket and 40 marbles in may left hip pocket – what would I have?” “Heavy pants, sir!”

“It’s no good, sir,” said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher, ‘I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other.” “Goes in both ears and out the other?” asked the puzzled teacher, “but you only have two ears, son.” “You see, sir,” I’m no good at math, either!”

“What did your mother do yesterday morning. Vicky?” “She done her shopping, ma’am.” “Done her shopping, Vicky? Where’s your grammar?” “She done her shopping as well, ma’am.”

A teacher sees a lad entering the classroom – his hands were dirty. She stopped him and said, “John, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?” Smiling the boy replied, “I think I’d be too polite to mention it.”

In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O’Neill said, “Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object.” Paul replied. “Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school.” “Thank you, Paul,” responded Mrs. O’Neill, “but what is the object?” “To get the best mark possible,” said Paul

A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked. “What’s the problem Carol? I hope it’s not homework again.” “Well, uh, yes, it is,” replied Carol. “I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane.” “Carol, you’re right, that wasn’t a very bright thing to do,” said the teacher, “but this once I’ll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in.” “Oh, but that won’t work,” said Carol, looking even sadder. “You see, the plane was hijacked

An elementary school teacher, well versed in educational jargon, asked for a small allotment of money for “behavior modification reinforces.” Her superior saw the item and asked, “What in heaven’s name is that?’ “Lollipops,” the teacher explained

A rather strict English teacher also had the responsibility of teaching “homemaking,” as home economics used to be called. The teacher noticed a student carefully applying lipstick and powder, rather than doing her home ec lesson. “Jenny,” said the teacher, “you pay more attention to your makeup than you do to your homemaking lessons.” “Well, said Jenny, “before I can home make, I have to catch someone with whom.”

Teacher to a student: "Can you think of a solution to end unemployment?" "Yes, sir! I'd put all the men on one island and the women on another." "And what would they be doing then?" "Building boats!"

A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died. "Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?" An eager student gave his answer. "Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said, "First Question: Which tire was flat?"

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Question: Why did the teacher wear sunglasses in class? Answer: Because he was trying to see if his son was in his class.

In the daily briefing for the weather the weather man suggested with 100% certainty that the forecast for the afternoon call for heavy rains. Assistant: "Are you positive, sir?" Weatherman: "Yes indeed. I've lost my umbrella, I got my car washed on the way in, I'm going golfing, and my wife's giving a lawn party."

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4. 4. You e-mail your colleague at the desk next to you to ask if they're ready to go to lunch. 5. You chat online regularly with a stranger from the U.S., but you haven't spoken to your next-door-neighbor yet this year. 6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have an e-mail address. 7. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. 8. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail rather than in person. 9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. 10. When you make phone calls from home you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

A new remote control for your television was being developed that enables the truly lazy to surf channels while moving even less muscles than before. The new device totally eliminates the need to stretch your arm that little bit more from your couch, to get the remote directly in front of the TV. Now the only muscle you need to move is your finger. This is just one more step to inventing technologies that turn people into furniture, and their brains into Jell-O. The company spokesman indicated it wanted to refine the product even more by making it thought-controlled, thereby completely removing the need for any sort of muscle movement at all, but this wouldn't work because it has been discovered that most TV addicts are completely incapable of any kind of thought at all.

Gigahertz: When the rock bands lead singer swan dives from the stage but no one catches him. Megabyte: When your mouth overrides your ability to keep your job slinging hamburgers. Hard Drive: That trip you make to the in-laws every Sunday for dinner! Microwave: When you lift one finger off the steering wheel to wave. Keyboard: The main structural backbone in ship building. Algorithms: Highly trained dancing alligators. Semi-Conductor: Person in training to lead an orchestra. Terabyte: When a pitbull latches on to the seat of your pants but you emerge unscathed. C++ code language: When you earned a B but your college professor doesn't like your pink hair. Blue Tooth: When a lack of brushing goes way beyond the yellow tooth stage.

Why should you never drill a hole in a clock? Because time will run out.

They say the truth is out there... If that is the case... Does anyone know the URL?

My grandmother discovered the latest technology for laundry before it became the LATEST TECHNOLOGY FOR LAUNDRY... She used a combination of SOLAR and WIND POWER as she hung the laundry out to dry.

What kind of phone does an optometrist have? An “Eye Phone”!