Jokes

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"

What did the math teacher say to Dracula after he failed the math test? "Can't you Count Dracula?"

Me: "May I go to the restroom." Teacher: "What for?" Me: "To Open The Chamber Of Secrets, What the hell do you think?

Two verbs, three adjectives, three nouns and a conjunction appeared in court. They’re due to be sentenced next week.

The teacher asked little Peter; "If I have 5 mangoes in one hand and five mangoes in the other, what do I have?” " Big Hands, " said Peter.

It was the firs day of school, and the first grade teacher decided to see how much her students knew about math. “Steven, can you tell me what is 3 and 2?” Steven said, “That’s when you should watch very, very carefully before you swing at the next pitch.”

History Teacher: "Why was George Washington standing in the bow of the boat as the army crossed the Delaware?" Student: "Because he knew if he sat down, he would have to row."

The law professor was lecturing on courtroom procedure. “When you are fighting a case and have the facts on your side, hammer away at the facts. If you have the law on your side, hammer away with the law.” “But what if you have neither the facts nor the law on your side?” “In that case,” said the professor, “hammer away on the table.”

"Yes, Theo, what is it?" asked the teacher. "I don’t wan to alarm you, Miss Davis, but my dad said if I don't get better grades, someone was going to be in big trouble."

The teacher said; Tommy, this is the fifth day this week you’ve had to stay after school. What have you to say for yourself? I’m certainly glad it’s Friday, said Tommy.

The teacher wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer.” “Now Paul,” she said. “What shall I do to correct this?” “Get a boy friend.” Paul replied.

Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages? Peter: Because they had so many knights.

The teacher says, “I wish you’d pay a little attention Mary.” “I am paying as little as I can Mrs. Bell,” said Mary.

The teacher asks: Now, Susan, how may fingers have you? Susan: Ten. Teacher: Right. Now if you lost four of them, what would you have? Susan: No more piano lessons.

The teacher asked the class to define “Pedestrian” Tom raises his hand and says: “A person who can be easily reach by car.”

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

Student: I would love for you to teach me a foreign language. Teacher: Certainly. French, German, Russian, Italian, Spanish? Student: Oh, which is the most foreign?

Teacher: What are the four main food groups? Students: Canned, frozen, instant, and lite.

Teacher: Now, you must not say, “I ain’t goin’.” You should say, “I am not going, he is not going; we are not going; they are not going.” Student: Wow! Ain’t nobody goin’ then?

A student burst into his professor’s office and says, "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this 'F' grade that you've given me!" To which Professor Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank? FRANK: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being president of the United States. After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised her hand. “Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can’t be president?”

A teacher called upon the classroom to make sentences with words previously chosen. The teacher smiled when Pete, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words “Defeat,” “Defense,” “Deduct,” and “Detail.” Pete stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he the proudly said, “Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail.”

I pride myself on being patient when teaching driver education, something I have done for 30 years. I have encountered many, many students, who didn't seem to be able to hit the floor with their hat. But one incident was just too much. I had a sweet young thing behind the wheel for the first lesson of the semester. She had volunteered to go first and seemed ready to show the other two kids how well she could drive. We left the rural school and started toward town. As we approached the first stop sign, the young lady gave no sign that she saw it. We got closer, but she still did not slow down. Finally, I used the "teacher's brake" pedal, on my side of the car, to get us stopped. When I asked her why she didn't slow down to stop for the stop sign, she replied, "but, Mr. Smith, the speed limit is 35 ALL the way to the stop sign!"

The professor had just related to his history class the event where an ancient runner had covered the 29 miles from the plains of Marathon to Troy to finally cry "Victory - Victory" and then fall dead from the run. Asking for comments, the class sat quietly until one student, a cross-country team member from the back of the room quietly asked - "did anybody get his time?"

An elementary school teacher decides to pole the class on the difficulty of last night’s homework assignment: Duh ... shouldn't that be: "poll" the class, unless she was making a point ... WITH A POINTED STICK!

An elementary school teacher decides to pole the class on the difficulty of last night’s homework assignment: How many people were able to complete the assignment without parents help? About 25% of the class raises their hands. How many people we able to complete the assignment with the help of a parent? About 70% of the class raises their hand. The teacher still notices about 5% of the class did not raise their hands. She then calls out, "How many people had to help a parent complete your assignment?

In chemistry class the subject was "oxidation - reduction.” The teacher was really excited and after the lesson asked the students in a very loud voice, “now tell me where is the electron? Where is it?" a drowsy student jumps up at this and shouts "o.k." Nobody moves. Sir, shut the door. We can still catch the thief"

Mrs. Smith, I ain’t got no crayons. Young man, you mean, I don’t have any crayons. You don’t have any crayons. We don’t have any crayons. They don’t have any crayons. Do you see what I’m getting at? I think so. What happened to all the crayons?