Jokes

Teacher: "Where is your home work?" Student: "Please visit my home page or follow me in instagram."

Remember when everyone had diaries and got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything on Facebook and get mad when they don't!

Conversation between a guy and a salesperson during the new Tesla roadster drive test... "Excuse me, sir, I see on the specs that the new Tesla roadster comes standard with a defibrillator?" "Are you ready to hear the price?"

I’ve always thought my neighbors were quite nice people... But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi!

After resisting the advance of technology for many years I finally gave in and bought a cell phone. A few days later I called my wife and told her someone kept texting me but when I checked I didn't have a text message. My wife asked who it said was sending a text. I told her I wasn't sure about the name but I thought it was a lady named Betty Low. After a short pause my wife responded with, "I think you mean 'Battery Low'."

"Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?" "No sir, it's Google's Pizza." "Did I dial the wrong number? "No sir, Google bought the pizza store." "Oh, alright then. I’d like to place an order please." "Okay sir, do you want the usual?" "The usual? You know what my usual is?" "According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you’ve ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust." "Okay, that’s what I want this time too." "May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?" "No, I hate vegetables." "But your cholesterol is not good." "How do you know?" "Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years." "You know what, I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and everyone else having all my information! I'm going to an island without internet, where there’s no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me!" "I understand sir. But you may want to renew your passport... it expired 5 weeks ago."

What would happen if two autonomous cars collided? How would they decide whose fault it was?

I tried to type on my phone, “I’m a functional adult.” My phone changed it to “fictional adult.” I left it as is, as I feel that’s more accurate.

Why should most electronic appliances not be shipped by air? Because they need to be grounded.

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message." Tech Support: "Did you install the update?" Customer: "Oh, no. I'm supposed to install it to get it to work?" Tech Support: "Yeah, it usually helps."

“I feel like carp today...” “Yeah, you look a little fishy.”

Anyone who thinks “talk is cheap”… Obviously didn’t pay my daughter’s mobile phone bill last month!

“I am hungary.” “Maybe you should czech the fridge.” “I’m russian to the kitchen.” “Is there any turkey?” “We have some, but it’s covered in greece” “Ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”

Daughter: Dad there’s a moth on the outside of the bathroom door. Can you get rid of it? Daughter: Please hurry because I’m going to cry. Daughter: Dad… Daughter: Dad… Dad: Dad is dead. You’re next. Love, Moth

Mom: How make chicken Daughter: What? Mom: Where buy chicken Daughter: Mom, this isn’t Google. Mom: Avocado

A solar-powered computer wristwatch, which is programmed to tell the time and date for 125 years, comes with a guarantee — for two years.

A co-worker asked if I knew what to do about a computer problem that was preventing her from getting e-mails. After calling the help desk, I told my colleague that e-mail was being delayed to check for a computer virus. "It’s a variant of the I Love You virus, only worse," I said. "What could be worse?" my single co-worker asked wryly. "The Let’s Just Be Friends virus?"

Sometimes computers lag so much, it hertz!

It was my friend’s first camping trip with her husband, and they were lost. He tried all the usual tactics to determine direction—moss on the trees (there was none), direction of the sun (it was overcast), and so on. Just as she began to panic, he spotted a cabin in the distance. "This way," he said as he led her back to their camp. "How did you do that?" my friend asked. "Simple. In this part of the country, the satellite dishes point south."

A wife started doing her make up as soon as she woke up. Her husband asked the reason. She replied, "I have locked my phone with facial recognition. And it's not recognizing me without makeup."

How many phone savvy techs does it take to teach you how to use your new iPhone? None. It only takes a teenager.

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening and spending time in my pool. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works! I already have three people following me... two police officers and a psychiatrist!

What is the Internet's favorite animal? The lynx.

I’m at the library, and for some reason, when I plug my flash drive into the computer, it doesn’t show up. I keep trying, but nothing happens. As an IT major, I know I can figure this out. So I spend 15 minutes changing settings and inserting and removing the flash drive. Then a girl sitting next to me taps my shoulder and says, “You’re plugging into my computer, not yours.”

Question: Before showering, should one take off their shirt first or their pants (or lower-half garments) first? Answer: One should close the door first!

I have a new application for my smart phone where a cartoon face appears as it verbalizes answers to questions I ask of it. I love asking it things, but I sure wish it wouldn't sigh, roll it's eyes, and say "OMG" before it answers!

NEW!!! In Safeway Stores Everywhere... Google brand cell phones in a can! You can find them in aisle '6' next to the latest I-Phone '7'. 'Generic' SD Memory Cards can be found in the 'pharmacy'. Phone 'chargers' can be found, where else, but in 'Automotive' Department. To Activate: Read directions carefully on cell phone can. When Google wrote the activation directions, he must have temporarily lost his own 'memory card'. So directions may be quite erratic and hard to follow. Good luck!

I don't trust those internet and TV ads about apps. They say they are free, but how do I know I'm not getting charged hidden fees after I download them? Do they really do what they say they're going to do? And all those gigabytes they use up! I just feel very uneasy when it comes to this kind of cell phone technology. I guess that makes me… app-rehensive?

A little girl waited patiently as child after child sat on Santa's knee when finally her turn came. "And what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asked. Shocked, she stood up and looked him in the eye and said, "Didn't you get my text?"

"Hold on, I get a feeling I've been here before." "Why do you say that?" "My phone automatically connected to the WiFi."