Jokes

Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun. A mama cat and her kitten were walking by. The kitten complained, "Mamma, I'm soooo hungry! What can we eat?" To which the mamma cat, spying the two birds, replied, "How about some baskin' robbins?"

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves, "What are you doing in there?" she asked. The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" The lady confirmed, "Yes." "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."

An elephant was walking in a park. With each step he took, he squished many little ants. Upset, the ants began to crawl up on the elephant -- first his legs and then up all over his body. When the elephant started feeling all the little ants on him, he shook hard, making all the little ants, except for one, fall to the ground. As the only ant on the elephant hung on close to the elephant's neck, the ones on the ground began to yell, "Strangle him!!! Strangle him!!!"

ELEPHANT AND ANT QUESTIONS - TO ASK SOMEBODY 1. One day the elephant and the ant went to play hide and seek in the Jungle. It was the elephant's turn to seek and he searched high and low until he came upon a temple in the middle of the Jungle. Q: Now, how did the elephant know that the ant was inside the Temple? A: Because the ant left his slippers outside. 2. The ant went to visit the elephant one day. After a nice meal, the elephant suggested they watch TV. Q: Why did the ant decline? A: Because he left his glasses at home. 3. One day the elephant and the ant went biking, when they crashed into a big truck. The elephant died immediately. Q: Do you know why the ant survived? A: Because he was wearing a helmet.

A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the stewardess asks what they would like to drink. "Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot. The businessman orders a coke. After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!" The stewardess runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty. Half an hour later the stewardess makes a second round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another coke. Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy idiot! Where is my drink?!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper. The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey! Where's my coke! The service here stinks!" Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane. At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."

Question: What do you call a dog with no front or back legs? Answer: He's not going to come -- why waste your time?

Q: What do you call a blind deer? A: A no-eyed deer (say it out loud) Q: What do you call a blind deer with no legs? A: A still no-eyed deer.

Two cats want to cross the river. One is named one-two-three, the other is named un-deux-trois. Who made it across the river first? One-two-three did. Un-deux-trois cat sank.

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.

A pony walks into a bar and asks, "Bartender, may I have a drink?" Bartender says, "What? I can't hear you. Speak up!" "May I please have a drink?" asks the pony. "What? You have to speak up!" the bartender says. "Could I please have a drink?" "Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you," the bartender says. "I'm sorry," the pony adds, "I'm just a little hoarse."

A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve poultry!" The chicken says, "That's OK, I just want a drink."

Two piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and they rush in. Two more piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and they rush in. One piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. "Hey, buddy! Do you want know where the bathroom is?" asks the bartender. "No thanks," the piggy slurs, "I always go WEEWEEWEE all the way home!"

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"

Mama bear to Papa bear: "Well... You might call it hibernating -- I call it 'goofing off'."

Mother rabbit to her small bunny: "A magician pulled you out of a hat. Now stop asking questions."

Chicken to turkey: "Only Thanksgiving and Christmas??? You're lucky, with us it's any Sunday."

One caterpillar to another, as they watch a butterfly: "You'll never get me up in one of those things."

Exasperated dragon on the field of battle: "Mother said there would be knights like this."

Two monkeys were discussing evolution: "You mean to tell me that I really am my keeper's brother?"

Q: What do you call 13 bunnies in a row, hopping backwards? A: A receding hairline!!!!!!

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

Why did the chicken cross the road in Missouri? To show the opossum it could be done.

One morning the lion is feeling especially ferocious. He saunters over to a monkey swinging in a tree and roars, "Who's the king of this jungle?" The monkey scampers down from the tree, bows to the lion and stammered, "Wh..wh...why you are Mr. Lion." A few minutes later, the lion comes across a warthog. He stops in front of the animal and asks, "Who's the baddest dude in this jungle?" The warthog hid his face in the dirt and whispered, "You're the baddest, King Lion." This continues all morning long with animal after animal bowing and scraping to the lion. Finally the lion comes across an 80-year-old bull elephant. He bellows at the elephant, "Who's the king of this jungle? Who owns this place?" With that the elephant wrapped his trunk around the lion's belly. He raised the lion 12 feet in the air and slammed his head against the ground. After that he slammed the lion into a tree on the right and then into another tree on the left. Finally, the elephant swung his trunk and threw the lion 35 feet away where the lion landed in a thorn bush. As the elephant lumbered down the trail the lion shook his paw and shouted, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get an attitude!"

A motorcycle cop sees a guy in a station wagon loaded with penguins. The cop, sensing something suspicious, immediately pulls the station wagon over. "You can't drive around with all those penguins," he tells the man. "You need to take them to the zoo." "Good idea," replies the driver. The cop then lets him drive away. The next day, the same cop notices the same station wagon drive by. This time, he notices that all the penguins are wearing sunglasses. "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo, sir!" he tells the driver emphatically. "But I did, officer. And they liked it so much that today we're going to the beach."

A magician was employed by a Shipping Line to entertain the passengers during cruises. The captain owned a parrot which always insisted on being part of the acts put on by the magician. He would perch on the edge of the stage and screech, "He does it with a mirror" or "He's got it up his sleeve." The magician was furious, but since the bird was a favorite with the captain and he was anxious to retain his position for future cruises, he maintained an angry silence. One evening as the magician worked, the parrot continued to harass the unfortunate man. Sadly the ship ran into a mine which had become detached from the sea floor after a storm. The explosion tore the bow off the ship which sank within a few minutes. Amid the wreckage and the lifeboats, the magician sat on one end of a table from the first class dining room. At the other end sat the parrot, dirty and disheveled, his feathers caked with fuel oil. For some time they eyed each other malevolently saying nothing. Finally the parrot shook himself and advanced across the table. He fixed the magician with a beady eye. "Okay, I give up," he squawked. "What did you do with the ship?"

There are two cows out in a field in Britain. One cow turns to the other and asks, "Are you worried about this Mad Cow disease?" The other cow responds, "Nope." The first cow exclaims, "How can you say that? Cows all over England are getting it. I'm scared stiff!" The other cow just looks at him and says, "Mad Cow disease, why should I be worried? I'm a helicopter."

Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet? A: To stamp out forest fires. Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? A: To stamp out burning ducks.

A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead. "Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet.Isn't there anything else you can do?" The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage. "Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead." Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?" "That will be $330." the vet replied. "I don't believe it!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330????" "Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, " I once was a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." That night, while the princess dined on frog legs,she kept laughing and saying, "I don't THINK so."

A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows looking at him. "I believe it's your radiator," said the cow. The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches! He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door. "A cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted, waving his arms franticly back toward the field. The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the doorframe to glance down the field. "The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked slowly. "Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied. "Oh. Well, that's Ethel," the farmer said, turning back to the man. "Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a thing about cars."