Jokes

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Q. What animal has more lives than a cat? A. A frog, because he croaks every night.

One day a duck went into a hardware store and asked the owner for some duck food. The owner looked at him funny, and said, This is a hardware store and we don’t carry duck food." The next day the duck came back to the hardware store an again asked the owner for some duck food. The owner, disturbed that the duck came back, said, I told you yesterday. This is a hardware store; we do not have any duck food! If you come back and ask for duck food again I will cement your feet in the ground!" So the next say the duck came back again and said, Do you have any cement?" "No, said the storeowner. Then, the duck said, Do you have any duck food?"

How to give a cat a pill. 1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process. 3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw. 7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water. 8. Tie the little angel’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill. 9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table. 10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

God created the donkey & said to him: “You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence & you will live 50 years. You will be a donkey. “The donkey answered: “I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years. God granted his wish. God created the dog and said to him: "You will be a dog.” You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog. “The dog answered: “Master, to live 25 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish. God created the Monkey and said to him: “You will be a monkey.” You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a monkey. “The monkey answered: “Master to live 20 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish. Finally God created the man and said to him: “You will be a man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.” You will use your intelligence to become master over all animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years. Man responded: "I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused. God granted his wish. And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, he marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are gone, he lives 15 years like a dog, taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house, from one son or daughter to another, doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

* Cats rule. Dogs drool. * Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg. * Cats will wait until you've read your morning paper before tearing it to shreds. * Cats look cute sleeping on the TV. Dogs crash right in front of the screen. * Why do you think they call it "Dog Breath?"

There were three pigs. The biggest pig went to the market and asked for the largest soda. He gulped it up and asked where the bathroom is. "Right over there," says the store clerk. Then, the middle pig went to the market and asked for the largest soda. He gulped it down and asked where the bathroom was too. "Right over there," said the store clerk. Finally, the littlest pig came in the market and asked for the largest soda. He gulped it all down. The store clerk asked," Aren't you gonna ask where the bathroom is?" "Nope," said the little pig," Don't u remember I'm the one that wee wees all the way home."

Cat Lover's Rules: 1. The cat is not allowed in the house. 2. OK, the cat is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms. 3. Ok, the cat is allowed in all rooms, but must stay off the furniture. 4. The cat can get on the old furniture only. 5. Fine, the cat is allowed on all the furniture, but it is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed. 6. The cat can sleep on the bed, but not under the covers or on the pillow. 7. OK, The cat can sleep under the covers and on the pillow by invitation only. 8. Well, ok, the cat can sleep under the covers every night and on the pillow too. 9. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the cover with the cat; only the cat can sleep on the pillow.

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...  “Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

One day, snake, turtle and centipede are having a party. After two cases of beer are gone, they want to go get some more beers. So they discuss who's going to go get the beers. The turtle says, "I will go, you both just wait here." Two hours later, the turtle hasn't back yet, so the centipede says, “I will go.” So they open the door and see, turtle still walking out of the door. Because turtle walk too slow, the centipede says, “You both wait for me to come back, I got a lot of legs, I can walk fast.” So the snake and the turtle, wait for another two hours. Finally the snake is says, “What will take centipedes that long? So they open the door and check, wow, centipedes still at the front of the door, he is still putting on his shoes. Finally, snake said “let me go, I can walk fast, and no feet to put on shoes.” So snake went. After three hours, snake wasn't back yet. Both of them went to the store and see. And they saw snake stand there. And the snake says, " Don't give me that dirty look, only took me 5 minutes to the store, but I am still figuring out how to bring the beer back."

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says,  "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine".  The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.  They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.  At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.  The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies,  "Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"  The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!" 

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?" The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up." 

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.  The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."  The owner says "Sold" and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."  And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

"Top 10 Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password"  10. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy." 9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like (alt.recreational.catnip). 7. Your web browser has a new home page: (http://www.feline.com/). 6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna. 5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog." 4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it. 3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II. 2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser. and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password... 1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

The Top Ten Differences Between Cats & Dogs: 10. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready. 9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life. 8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door. 7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.Cats might bring you a dead mouse. 6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap. 5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all. 4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all. 3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away. 2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes. 1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.  When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.  "No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

A chicken walks into a bar.  The bartender says. "We don't serve poultry!"  The chicken says "That's OK I just want a drink."

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.  2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.  3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.  4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)  5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.  6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.  7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.  8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oops!  9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.  10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.  11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.  12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.  13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)  14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.  15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.  16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.  17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).  18. Take two aspirins and lie down.  19. Forget aspirin, drink glass of wine and lie down. 

Two robins were sitting on a fence post in front of a freshly plowed field. One robin said to the other "I'm hungry! Are you?" "Yes," said the other robin. "Why don't we go in this field and get some worms to eat." They went in the field and started eating. They ate until they were so full they could not even move. The first robin said "I can't move, lets just stay hear and bask in the sun." "Ok," said the other robin. In a few minutes both robins fell asleep. Later that day the farm cat came up and ate both robins. When finished he remarked "I love Basken Robins."

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away. Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!" The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!" So, the bartender looks up "Panda" in the encyclopedia, and it reads "Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia. It eats shoots and leaves.”

A frog goes into a bank and hops up to a teller. He can see from her name plate that she is called Patricia Whack, so he says "Ms. Whack, I'd like to borrow $30,000, please." The teller asks for his name and the frog replies that he is Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, and a personal friend of the bank manager. Unconvinced, Ms. Whack explains she will need some identity and also some security against his loan. The frog produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant and hands it to her.  The confused teller says she will have to consult with her manager. "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger at the counter who wants to borrow $30,000," she tells her boss. "And what do you think this elephant is about?" The manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

A hound dog and a dalmation were sitting in an Internet cafe and the dalmation said to the hound, "Hey, check out my web site!" The hound asked for the address and the dalmation responded, "www.dalmation.dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot.

Three male dogs: a Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Chihuahua, sat at the end of a bar downing a few drinks when a beautiful lady Collie walked in and sat at the opposite end. She noticed that they were drooling over her and offered them a deal. "If any of you can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a sentence that I like, I'll let you buy me a drink." The male dogs started punching each other, feeling quite sure of themselves. The Pit Bull blurts out, "I like liver and cheese." "No! How base!" snarls the lady Collie. Then the Shepherd speaks up, "Liver and cheese make good food." The Collie turns her head and says, "Ha! No good!" Finally, the little Chihuahua crawls up on the bar and speaks, "Liver alone, cheese mine!" He got to buy the lady the drink.

One day a man went to a pet store and bought a hundred-legged worm. The sales person told him about this worm. It was not a normal worm. This worm could do anything as a maid. When they were home, the man asked the worm to turn on the T.V. So the worm turned it on. Then he asked him to prepare him some coffee. So the worm did it. The man told him to go buy the newspaper. So the worm went out of the house to buy the newspaper. An hour passed and still the worm didn't come. Another hour passed and the worm had still not come back. So finally the man stood up and opened the front door. "So, there you are," the man said looking at the worm, "have you bought the newspaper?" "Sorry, sir," answered the worm, "I haven't finished putting on my shoes."

A duck walked into a bakery one day and asked for a pork chop. The baker said, "We aren't a butcher; we don't sell meat here." So the duck left. The following day the duck went back and asked again. This time the Baker said, "No, if you come here again I will nail your feet to the floor." The following day the duck returned and asked, "Have you any nails?" The baker replied, "No." And the duck said, "Well, I'll have two pork chops then."

An American tourist was lunching in a restaurant in China where the specialty was duck. The waiter explained each dish as he brought it to the table. "This is the breast of the duck; this the leg of the duck; this is the wing of the duck; etc." Then came the dish that the American knew was chicken. He waited for the explanation. Silence. "Well?" he finally asked, "What's this?" The waiter replied, "It's a friend of duck."

A frog came into a bank to obtain a loan. He spoke to the loan officer Mr. Paddywack. When Mr. Paddywack asked the frog what he had for loan collateral, the frog held out his hand. "What's that?" asked Mr. Paddywack, but the frog could not talk. So, Mr. Paddywack took the frog in to see the manager and explained the situation. The manager then asked the frog what collateral he had for the loan and the frog held out his hand. "Oh," said the manager, "that's a knickknack Paddywack, give the frog a loan."

Q. What did the dog say when he sat on sand paper? A. "Rough rough". Q. Why did the ape run around with a piece of raw meat on his head? A. He thought he was a gorilla. (griller)!

Did you hear about the frog who went to the library to get some reading material? As the librarian on duty suggested a list of titles, the frog was heard replying, "Read it…read it...read it...."