Jokes

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. - The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. - The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. - The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. - The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results: - The first worm in alcohol - Dead. - The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead. - Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead. - Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. Just then a little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "I get it! As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was at the pearly gates waiting for them. "Come with me," said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had everything you could imagine from a bowling alley to a gigantic swimming pool. "Wow, thank you!" said the taxi driver. Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set. "Wait, I think you are a little mixed up," said the priest. "Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all, I was a priest and preached God's word every day." "Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed."

A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course and invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many weeks thereafter and just as services are starting, they show up. Attendance was good in the small Methodist church and there wasn't a pew available. Several church members were already seated on folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher, "Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back." The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon?" "Get three chairs for my Baptist friends," repeated the minister. The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face. Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly, "Three chairs for the Baptists," he enunciated. The usher's face lit up he turned to face the congregation. "All right, everybody," he called out. "Three cheers for the Baptists!"

When my son was 4, I was in a Women's Bible Study group. They had classes for children as well, while we studied in our groups. One day, as my son and I were walking to our car, he said to me, "Mom, I'm not going to sin anymore." You can imagine my pride at hearing this. Then I got to wondering why he said this, so I asked him. His answer was quick: "Jesus said if you don't sin, you can throw the first stone, and I want to throw the first stone."

Who were the two shortest people in the Bible? Nehemiah and Bildad the Shuhite!

Two nuns were driving alone out in a rural area. They ran out of gas. Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline. "I'm sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamberpot." The nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car. As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."

The Sunday School teacher looked at the little boy's drawing of the manger scene. A large dog was among the animals. The teacher looked puzzled. "Oh," said the child, "That's a German Shepherd."

Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of the church listening to a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out, "Amen, Brother!" When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "You preach it, Reverend!" And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and hollered, "RIGHT ON! TELL IT LIKE IT IS! AMEN!" But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's just meddling."

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation were dozing off. After the service, she walked up to a very sleepy-looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." And the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one, ma'am, I'm glad it's done too!"

One Sunday morning, a preacher tells his congregation that in order to prepare for next week’s sermon that they should read Obadiah 2:1-2:15. Next week comes and the preacher asks the congregation if they read the required reading from the Bible. Suddenly there’s a murmur in the congregation. No one read it, but since they didn’t want to get into trouble, they all raised their hands. The preacher then says, It is amazing that all of you read Obadiah 2:1-2:15, because there is only ONE chapter in Obadiah. Now, today's lesson is on honesty..."

Henry believes so strongly in reincarnation, that he has himself as the only beneficiary in his will.

The Pastor began his sermon with a question to the congregation. "Does anyone know the difference between sins of commission and sins of omission?" After a few moments of silence a young man spoke up and said, "Sins of commission are things that we have done that were sinful. Sins of omission are sins we should have done but just haven't got around to yet."

St. Peter was working the Pearly Gates one day when a man appeared before him. The man said, "Here I am, let me in." St. Peter said, "Wait a minute, it isn't that easy. I've got to check in the Book of Life to see if your name is recorded there." St Peter scanned the book and said, "I don't see where you've even done one good deed in your whole life?" The man said, "That's not accurate. One time I saw six bikers harassing a young woman. I yelled at them to leave her alone. When they ignored me I got a tire iron out of my trunk, charged over there and hit the leader in the head knocking him out cold. I looked around at the others and said, 'When I said leave her alone I meant it. If anyone bothers her again you'll answer to me!'" St. Peter said, "Wait a minute, I don't see that recorded here. When exactly did this happen?" The man looked at St. Peter and said, "Just a minute ago."

St. Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates one day when a man suddenly appeared before him. The man said "Let me in" but before St. Peter could say anything the man disappeared. A few minutes later the man appeared again and said, "Let me in!" Again, before St. Peter could say anything, the man disappeared. A few minutes later the man appeared again and said frantically, "Let me in quick!" St. Peter said, "Are you playing games with me?" The man said, "No! They're trying to resuscitate me!"

Sign on the door of a church nursery quotes Paul in 1 Corinthians 15:51: "Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed."

If Jesus, was the son of Mary... And Jesus is the “Lamb of God”... Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

Sister Grace at the convent opened a letter from home and found a $100 bill from her parents. She smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily-dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below. Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Grace" on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, and tossed it out the window. The stranger picked it up and read the note. He tipped his hat to Sister Grace and hurried away. The next day, Sister Grace was told that a man was asking to see her. She went down and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's your $8,000, sister," he replied. "'Don't Despair' paid 80-to-1."

If God had used the metric system, would there have been ten disciples instead of twelve?

A man and his ten-year-old son were on a fishing trip miles from home. At the boy's insistence, they decided to attend the Sunday worship service at a small rural church. The father forgot to bring any cash, so he reached in his pocket and gave his son three quarters to drop in the offering plate as it was passed. As they walked back to their car after the service, the father complained. "The service was too long," he lamented. "The sermon was slow and boring, and the singing was off key." Finally the boy said, "Daddy, I thought it was pretty good for 75 cents."

When it comes to religion, I once tried atheism.... But I had to give it up for Lent.

It's been decided that laundry is part of the original sin... If Eve hadn't bitten that darned fruit, there would be no clothes to wash.

Most people don't know that the oldest computer in history happened to be an 'Apple'. It was created around the same time as Adam and Eve and came in several colors and sizes with a satin, semi or high-gloss finish. Unfortunately, one 'byte' was all it took before everything crashed!

The Sunday school teacher asked her preschool class, "How many of you would like to go to Heaven?" All the children raised their hands except Tommy. The teacher asked Tommy why he wouldn't like to go to Heaven. Tommy answered, "I'm sorry, but I can't. My mother told me to come right home after Sunday school."

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back. The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in. Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

What do you get when you have a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin mobile!

Where can you find a bunch of religious leaders going to exercise? At "CrossFit"!

There’s a story told about a lone cowboy who went to an evening service at a little country church up in Montana. There was a snowstorm and the only two people who showed up were the preacher and the cowboy. They waited and waited. Finally the preacher said, "Well, I guess we might as well go on home, it doesn't look like anyone else is going to show up." The cowboy responded, "Now preacher, when I go out to feed cattle, and only one cow shows up, I still feed her!" The preacher said "Okay," and proceeded to preach an hour-long sermon. After it was over the cowboy said, "Preacher, that was a good sermon, but you know, when I feed cattle, and only one cow shows up, I don’t give her the whole load!"

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later that day his mother noticed him lying down, curled up on the floor as though he were ill. She said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm gonna have a wife!"

I don't pray to God... I send him a kneemail.