Jokes

A priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin brother, also a priest, to fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His brother, of course, agreed. It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the aisle, however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask the gender of the deceased. This was information that he would need for his remarks during the service. Thinking quickly, as he approached the first pew where the deceased's relatives were seated, he nodded toward the casket and whispered to one woman, "Brother or sister?" "Cousin," she replied.

A mother asked her little boy what he’d learned that day in Sunday school. He said it was about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. Mother: "Really?" Little Boy: "Yes. Gladly, the cross I’d bear."

I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?" So I turned it into wine.

A minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled out. New dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. On the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes. When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded, “The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures. I don't know what happened, I just couldn't stop!”

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger. “You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board of the church,” said the minister. “That is why I am here,” said the man. “If there is anyone here today more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him or her.”

A minister delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning." After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister."

Little Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while, he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer. "Fine," said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Little Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."

Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you’re prepared for it?” “I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests.” “I don’t mean that,” the deacon replied. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?” “Oh sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest! Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd but finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Mary's Catholic Church on Third Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man." The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to the dying man. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice, "B - 4. I - 19. N - 38. G - 54. O - 72."

One Sunday a pastor found several letters awaiting him. He opened one and found it contained the single word, "Fool." Quietly and with becoming seriousness he shared the letter with the congregation and announced, "I have known many an instance of a person writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of someone signing his name and forgetting to write the letter."

The custodian of a church quit. The pastor of the church asked the organist if she would be able also to clean the church sanctuary. The organist thought before replying, ”Do you mean that I know have to mind my keys and pews?”

Just then, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had happened. A loud voice booms from the sky, "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?" Sarah responds, "Well... He WAS wearing a hat."

Proverbs as finished by a fourth grade class: There is nothing new... under a rock. A journey of a thousand miles begins with... a private jet. If you can't stand the heat... try Antarctica. Better late than... absent. Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and... then blow your nose. A bird in the hand is... better than a woodpecker on your head. Early to bed, early to rise... and you will get the best cereal. Don't burn your bridges... or you'll fall in the lake. Haste makes... sweat. A penny saved... is not a lot. A miss is as good as... a mister.

An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground. Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, “All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!” With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse’s back—and fell off the other side. From the ground again, he called out, “All right, just half of you angels this time!”

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

The pastor was greeting folks at the door after the service. A woman said, “Father, that was a good sermon.” The priest replied, “Oh, I have to give the credit to the Holy Spirit.” “It wasn’t THAT good!” she said.

A cathedral is being worked on, and the workers have rigged a cage elevator inside so they can get material up and down. A characteristic of this cage elevator is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually for it to be called to another floor. One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the verger. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the verger rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight: The verger of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling up to the heavens: "Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!"

The children were all lined up for their first confession when Little Johnny’s turn came. The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly replied, “Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy.” “That was a very misguided thing to do, my son,” said the priest patiently. “It wasn’t misguided at all,” said Little Johnny. “I hit him.”

Priest: Do you have any confessions? Man: I did something Father, but I am not sure if it was a sin. Priest: Did you enjoy it? Man: Yes father Priest: It was a sin.

A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his mom. As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, "Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now." As he finished his meal, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE! So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled. The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for. The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. 'Persevere' came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”

It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked them what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his father told him. "Wouldn't you know it," Johnny fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go and He shows up!"

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal. Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful - so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing." The minister, of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man say, "Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!"

The Lord loves a cheerful giver... But he accepts from grouches too.

The new minister stood at the church door greeting the members as they left the Sunday morning service. While most of the people told the minster how much they liked his message, one man seemingly had a different opinion. “That was a very dull and boring sermon, Pastor,” he said. The pastor was a bit baffled by this, but he continued shaking hands. A few minutes later, the same man again appeared in line and said, “I don’t think you did much in the way of preparation for your message.” Once again, the man circled back and appeared in line, this time muttering, “You really blew it. You didn’t have a thing to say, Pastor.” Finally, the minister could stand it no longer. He went to one of the deacons and inquired about the man. “Oh, don’t let that guy bother you,” said the deacon. “He’s a little behind. All he does is go around repeating whatever he hears other people saying.”

A new preacher wanted to rent a house in the country but the only one available was rumored to be haunted. That didn’t bother the preacher since he didn’t believe in such things. He went ahead and rented the place. Soon the ghost made its appearance. The preacher told his friends about the ghost, but they didn’t believe him. They told him the only way they would believe was if he took a picture of the ghost. The preacher went home and called for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher explained the situation and asked the ghost if it would mind having its picture taken. The ghost agreed. When the picture was developed, the ghost wasn’t visible. Feeling disappointed, the preacher called again for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher showed it the picture and wanted to know why the ghost wasn’t in it. The ghost thought a minute and replied, “Well, I guess the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.”

At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister. As one shook the minister’s hand, he said, “Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, I bet you’re smarter than Einstein.” Beaming with pride, the minister said, “Why, thank you, that's nice of you to say.” As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man’s compliment. The more he thought, the more he wondered why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So the following Sunday he asked the man, “Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?” The man replied, “Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, last Sunday no one could understand you!"

Three police officers were standing in line at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked the first officer, “What did you do with your life?” “I was a police officer,” he responded. “What kind of police officer?” Saint Peter asked. “I was a vice officer. I kept drugs off the streets and out of the hands of kids.” “Welcome to heaven. You may enter the gates.” He asked the second man what he did as a police officer. “I was a traffic officer,” said the man. “I kept the roads and highways safe.” “Welcome to heaven. You may enter the gates.” He asked the third man what he did as a police officer. “I was a military policeman, sir,” replied the man. “Wonderful! I’ve been waiting for you all day!” replied Saint Peter. “I need to take a break! Watch the gate, will you?”

During the school year, the public library where I work is open on Sunday afternoons. Signs posted around the library read, Sunday service available 1:30-5:00, September-June. One day a woman was returning some books when she noticed one of these signs. "Oh, you have Sunday service now?" she asked me. "Yes, from 1:30 to 5:00, September through June," I explained. "I see," she said. "And what denomination is it?"

A young hiker is traveling thru a heavily wooded area and comes upon a Monastery full of friars and monks. He knocks on the door for directions, however is invited inside for "Fish and Chips" for lunch. After lunch he exclaimed that this was the most delicious fish and chips he had ever eaten. Seeing a chef emerge from the kitchen, he raced over and said, "Are you the Fish Friar? To which the reply was, "No, I am the Chip Monk."