Jokes

A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats, plus airfares, accommodations, etc. But he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding, so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church in New York City at 5pm. Her name's Louise. She will be the one in the white dress. Thanks for your help!

Two girlfriends were chatting with each other. "I only date guys with a flat-top. You know, the kind of crew cut in which the hair is cropped in a flat plane across the top." "Why only those types of guys?" "They're level headed."

While out for dinner with my girlfriend, she started one of those "let's be honest with each other" conversations women are good at. "I want us to be totally honest with each other," she said. "I really wish you would change." "No problem!" I replied. "How about I change into your ex-boyfriend?"

MAN CLASSES: Day One Schedule EMPTY MILK CARTONS: DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN? Group discussion and role play HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH PowerPoint presentation REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST Real life testimonial from the one man who did IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? Driving simulation

Ms. Frayed-end and Mr. Knot were having an argument about their relationship. Ms. Frayed-end: "Why don't you ever call me anymore?" Mr. Knot: "That goes both ways. You never call me either!" Ms. Frayed-end: "We're not supposed to do the calling. You are!" Mr. Knot: "Sez who? This is ridiculous. You get me so mad I'm fit to be tied!" Ms. Frayed-end: "Oh yeah? Well I'm at the end of my rope!"

When Mr. Ed retired from television, he got a job as a telephone psychic. Mary was having relationship problems, called in, and got advice from the old stallion. Arriving home, she confronted her husband, accusing him of having an affair. "Where in the world did you get that idea?" he asked. "I got it from the horse's mouth!"

Sign up entering a resturant: NO, we do not have WIFI... TALK TO EACH OTHER!

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank." Passenger: :Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special." Cabbie: "There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!" Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "How did you meet him?" Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.”

I told my girlfriend, "The last thing I want to do is break up with you... I have about five things on my list before I get there."

I told my wife I wished she’d come with directions. She said this is a first, as I’ve never heard you ask for directions before. She also said not to worry that she "did" come with directions and has been giving them to me since the day we met.

The other day, Nancy and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error. To her credit, Nancy finally said, "Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right." "Fine." I said. She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong." I grinned and replied, "You're right."

I picked the wrong time to break up with my girlfriend. I made the mistake of doing this when the roller coaster we were on at the theme park was almost to the top, ready to plummet down the other side... Needless to say, things went downhill from there.

Ben was complaining to his friend Ralph about his new girlfriend. "I think Tonya is a hoarder. I went over to her place for the first time yesterday and everywhere I looked, there were magazines. Dozens of them, strewn around everywhere. People, Good Housekeeping, Readers Digest, TV Guide, Life, Time, Newsweek. You name it, she had it." "I wouldn't go out with her anymore if I were you," said Ralph. "Why not?" "She has issues."

When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels. "Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do." "You're right it wasn't!" Sarah said. "And they were the two best towels we had, the ones we got from the hotel while we were on vacation."

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going, and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas." He questioned her as to why and she told him, "I just found out that I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free." He pondered for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch with his wife. She said, "And just where do you think you are going?" He replied, "I'm going too." "Why?" she asked. He said, "I want to see how you're going to live on $800 a year."

Sometimes... when you cry... no one sees your tears . Sometimes... when you are worried... no one sees your pain. Sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile. But fart just one time...

After having a great time with his girlfriend, a young man saw a guy’s photo in her bag and asked, "Is he your ex?" The girlfriend kissed him and said, "No dear, that's me before surgery."

Two women were discussing marriage, and one said, "We've been married ten years, and every night my husband has complained about dinner. Not one night without complaining about the food." The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it bother you?" The first one replied, "Oh, no. Not in the slightest." "You must be a saint!" commented the second. To which the first woman replied, "Why should I object? A lot of people don't like their own cooking."

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license. "Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired. "No," I replied. "Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office and declares, "Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!" The hypnotherapist shakes his head and says. "Not again..."

Thomas is 32 years old and still single. One day, a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution. Just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later, they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Thomas replied, "Now my father doesn't like her."

At the Super Bowl party, Ken overheard two wives talking about their husbands and men in general. Then he heard the best quote ever from one of them.... "The rules of football and the plot of The Godfather are the two most complicated things that every guy understands, no matter how dumb he is."

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. Man: "Hello." Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club"? Man: "Yes." Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it"? Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2016 models. I saw one that I really liked." Man: "How much"? Woman: "$90,000." Man: "Okay, but for that price, I want it with all the options." Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It's really a pretty good price." Woman: "Okay. I'll see you later! I love you so much!" Man: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He smiles and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

A couple were on vacation in Colorado. They flew to Denver and rented a car to sight see. One of the sights was a bridge that was more than 1,000 feet above the river. Walking out onto the bridge, they noticed it swaying in the wind. "I don't think I want to drive the car across this bridge," one said to the other. "What are you worried about?" the second replied. "It's a rental."

Jim, a fireman came home from work one day and told Barb, his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the firestation. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the poll Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. From now on when I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, i want you to jump in bed. And when I say Bell 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night Jim came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" Barb promptly took all her clothes off. When Jim yelled, "Bell 2!" Barb jumped into bed. When Jim yelled, "Bell 3!" they began making love. After a few minutes Barb yelled, "Bell 4!" "What the hell is Bell 4?" asked Jim. "Roll out more hose!", Barb replied, "You're nowhere near the fire!!"

Recently a "Husband Shopping Center" opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out with five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the place to find men. On the first floor the door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" so up they went. The second floor said, "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good-looking." "Hmmm," said the girls. "But I wonder what's further up?" The third floor: "These men have high-paying jobs, are extremely good-looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow!" said the women. "Very tempting, BUT there's more further up!" and up they went. Fourth floor: "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy! But just think what must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they went. The sign on that floor said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please."

A man and woman are on a blind date. After being with her all evening, the man couldn't stand another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him on the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. He was relieved when his cell phone rang. After answering, acting shocked and then hanging up the call, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim look and said, "I have bad news. My my house is on fire." "Wonderful!" his date said. "If yours hadn't burned, mine would have had to."

Why do some men prefer dogs over wives? 1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 4. A dog's parents never visit. 5. Dogs agree that you sometimes have to raise your voice to get your point across. 6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day. 7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. 8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. 9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?" 10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. 11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert. 12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting. 13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck. 14. If a dog leaves you, it won't take half of your stuff.

The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girlfriend's father, "Son, can you support a family?""Well, no, sir," he replied, caught off-guard by the question. "Your daughter and I were thinking we'd just have to support ourselves, the rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself. I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo. "Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said. "But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained. "Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."