Jokes

My husband had just lost 50 pounds when, after eight years of being a housewife, I had taken a job in a restaurant. When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my husband a big hug. He seemed to cling to me longer than usual. "Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked. "No," came the reply. "But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go."

Some things are just better left unsaid... Which I usually realize right after I've said them.

Two old friends were chatting. One said to the other, "My 85th birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV." Other guy responded, "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine that, an SUV... what a great gift!" "Yup! Socks, Underwear, AND Viagra!"

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom, smiling but looking a little nervous, leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-rising flour, right?"

Never, NEVER, NEVER make your girlfriend mad... They can remember stuff that that hasn't even happened yet!

When she got flowers from her husband on Valentine's Day, my daughter quickly opened the card. All it said was, "No." What did that mean? She called her husband and asked him. "I didn't attach any message. The florist asked if I had a message and I said, 'No'."

My friend and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse. He had the idea that his wife did not want a card on Valentine’s Day, but when he spoke to her on the phone, he discovered she was expecting one. Not having time to buy a card on his way home, he was stuck. Then he looked at the lawn-mower trade magazines scattered around the office and got an idea. Using scissors and glue, he created a card with pictures of mowers, next to which he wrote: “I lawn for you mower and mower each day.”

Behind every angry woman stands... Stands a clueless man... Who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong!

Two skeletons were discussing their girlfriends. "I think Bonnie is cheating on me." "What makes you think that?" "I don't know. I just feel it in my bones."

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married... I didn't want him to.

I was sharing with a friend my opinion that women should come with instructions. She replied, "Why? It's not like men read the instructions anyway."

"So, what's the matter? I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband." "Oh, everything went wrong! First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait. And then he said that I was reeling in too soon." "That doesn't sound nice or relaxing." "All that might have been all right, but to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish."

My boyfriend and I were taking his 19-year-old niece to a weekend festival. When we arrived at her house to pick her up, she appeared in tasteful but very short shorts, and a tank top with spaghetti straps. A debate began immediately about appropriate dress. I took the girl’s side, recalling that when we began dating, I dressed the same way. “Yes,” said my boyfriend sternly, “and I said something about it, didn’t I?” Everyone looked at me. “Yeah,” I replied. “You said, ‘What’s your phone number?'”

A close friend confided in me that she had finally found Mr. Right... Later she confessed she did not realize that she had found Mr. Always Right!

What do you call the significant other of a Bohemian chess player? Czechmate!

Two magnets were having a conversation. "I went on a blind date yesterday" "Oh really…how did it go?" "Unfortunately, not so well." "Why not?" "There was no attraction."

To make sure I won't be late for work, my girlfriend calls me on the phone every morning to wake me up. Wouldn't it be easier for her to just lean over, start shaking me, and yell, 'HEY! WAKE UP!'?

So I didn't appear to be a loser, I concocted a story to tell my friends, about my having a girlfriend who lets me put lipstick and rouge on her. In other words, not only did I make her up, I MADE her up!

Two girlfriends were talking to each other about relationships. "I put an ad in one of those singles websites looking for a boyfriend." "What kind of guy did you say you were looking for?" "I wanted an ambitious guy who likes to dig in to get the job done and is really down to earth. I think I found him." "So what does he do?" "He's a grave digger."

Dear John, I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place. All my love, Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx P.S. Congratulations on winning last week's Powerball lottery.

Item in the "Cyclops Dating for Dummies" book: Never date a cyclops much shorter than you. Why? You'll never see eye to eye on anything.

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, "Which book has helped you most in your life?" The woman replied, "That would be my husband's check book."

Behind every great man is a woman... rolling her eyes at him.

(Modified from Rock-A-Bye Baby) Hush-A-Bye Buddy In our guest room, It's been three weeks now Are you leaving us soon? We'll all miss your snoring And carrying on, But please won't you go back To Boca Raton?

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Know a sure way to bug your wife or girlfriend? When they ask you that loaded question, "How do I look?", just say, "With your eyes."

While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive, single man. It was a relief since my mother and I always laughed at the fact that the men I was drawn to were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a living. He replied, “I’m a priest.”

I asked a friend of mine by phone what he was doing. He told me he couldn't talk because he was working on "aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel while under a dangerously constrained environment." I was impressed. Until the following day when I learned that meant he was "washing dishes with hot water under his upset wife's supervision."

I have a way with women... As soon as I open my mouth, they go a-way!

New Restroom signs: Men to the LEFT! Ladies to the RIGHT! (Easier to remember since they are always RIGHT!)